Soldier
by MorbidPet17
Summary: The sequel to My Own Army. How Amanda deals with events that took place two years ago when her world once again starts to slowly deteriorate. Will the squad be able to keep her from going down the rabbit hole?
1. Chapter 1: Infantry

So here it finally is, the sequel to My Own Army. I'll do an attempt to sum everything up below just to catch you all up and for those of you who haven't read MOA. The sequel starts two years after Amanda stepped back in to the squad room. Important to know for newcomers are that Amanda does not have a gambling addiction in this fic, and Lewis never happen so Liv's in a good place.

Know that English isn't my first language, I suck at grammar. I have a tendency to write long chapters, this story is however made for cliffhangers so those evil little things might end chapters abruptly, just sayin. I have the story pretty much mapped out from start to finish but feel free to get in touch with me if you have requests or something that you like to see happen.  
>My aim is to update every week, hopefully I'll be able to stick to that.<br>This first chapter jumps a little back and forth when it comes to whose perspective we're following but I hope it's not too confusing.

I still don't own any of the characters, all rights belongs to master & commander Dick Wolf/NBC.

Those of you who have read me before know I always have theme songs for my fics. The theme song for this fic is in Swedish though, a rap song which is so not my usual genre but since it's called **Din Soldat** (Your Soldier) and with a chorus that's just brilliantly sung by the über cool **Kristina Amparo** (song written by **Albin** though) it just fits this fic perfectly. This is my rough translation of the chorus;

_I've seen how that shit tears you down. I'll fight for you and be there for you. When you crash next time I will lift you up, let me be your soldier!_

It works perfectly to sing with a potent and somewhat angry voice & is probably why I love it so much.  
>Some chapters are inspired bywith other songs though and in some cases the lyrics will start or finish the chapters off. All to set the mood.

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><p><em>Okay, recap time. How do I recap close to 500,000 words? Here's my go at it;<em>

Amanda's sister Kim is found dead in NY, she's fallen out of a window. Grief-stricken Amanda refuse to believe it was simply an accident and she starts to dig around on her own. She's soon on the trail of a serial killer named the Mayhem choker. A religious nut that wants to save promiscuous women and for them to accept him as their savior before he strangles them, believing that he's making them into the angels they were born to be.

Kim hadn't been the intended target but the woman she was staying with – Cassie, a blonde, blue-eyed sex worker. Amanda fails to keep Cassie safe and Cassie is captured and later killed by Mayhem. Amanda goes deep undercover, leaving everything behind, her job, squad, car, apartment.

The SVU squad goes after her, taking them all the way down to Atlanta to search for her but all they find there are details of Amanda's harsh childhood and a nasty run-in with the APD deputy chief that forced her to transfer out. Liv & Nick meet Amanda's mom, Emily, and they learn of a very abusive past. Emily has put her daughters, especially Amanda, through hell. They also learn her father died, he was shot and it was Amanda who found the body.

Amanda is missing for weeks but then they get a lead through Brian Cassidy, who at the time still worked for Ganzel and spots Amanda at one of his parties. That leads the squad to a strip club named Bare Assets. They find her a little too late though. When Fin & Nick pays for a private with her in the champagne room she's already started to sell herself for money, all to fit the profile of Mayhem's victims. One of the co-owners of Bare Assets is a really bad man named Gordon Goodwin, he runs some shady businesses which Amanda gets involved with.

She later moves into one of Gordon's complexes where she's expected to take on clients privately, all to try and shake her squad off and also since she's learnt one of Mayhem's previous victims lived there and she's now desperate for Mayhem to target her. Gordon has a reputation of breaking his girls in and Amanda is no exception. She's collected evidence on Mayhem and does so with Gordon as well as some other shady people she comes across. Mayhems MO is to scare his victims before he kidnaps them, he wants them to need him, to feel like he's saving them, and he sets Amanda up to be raped by another man in one of Gordon's establishments.

Meanwhile the squad has tried to work with Amanda, tried to get her to come back in, set up a undercover operation but Amanda feels like she's gone too far, been through too much, to ever go back to normalcy. She's dating the bartender at Assets (Scott), turning tricks, stripping, doing drugs to get through the day. And then it's too late as Mayhem manages to grab her.

Amanda has made a friend at the strip club, Sierra, and she's holding a bag for Amanda that Fin later gets his hands on. With the evidence Amanda has collected they manage to catch Mayhem. His name is Simon Ferguson and he's been on a killing spree since the 70s, his older, blonde & blue-eyed, sister being his very first victim. Amanda is nowhere to be found though but thanks to Nick being able to follow up on Amanda's links between Mayhem and the book Dante's inferno they finally find the location she's been held at. When they find her she's barely alive, having been tormented for several days and with severe injuries.

She breaks out of the hospital sooner than desired though, thankfully Fin finds her outside his apartment and brings her in. She doesn't get much time to heal as Mayhem, Simon, isn't talking and Amanda needs to find out what happened to her sister. Simon agrees to tell Amanda everything with the small predicament that she answers some of his questions as well. She's forced to tell some very private details about herself, and with her squad listening in on the other side of the glass.

During her time undercover Amanda has been using an old alias from APD and we later learn this name is actually taken from her own past. At fourteen she seduces and engages in a sexual relationship with her mom's boyfriend Danny. He's the one that during sex or late at night keeps calling her Shay and she's dreamed up this identity for who Shay really is and it's a person Amanda wouldn't mind being.

Simon is charged with multiple accounts of murder but found not competent to stand trial. He's hospitalized and Amanda never has to testify. Meanwhile Gordon has been missing, his businesses brought down though but Gordon never gets sentenced since he's found killed, Russian mob style, a few months later.

Amanda has been staying with Fin, it seems almost impossible that she could ever go back to work but Cragen as well as the rest of the squad fights to get her back and with some counseling with Dr Olivet she's able to step back in to the squad room.

*phew* A little too long but oh well, now on to the sequel…

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><p><strong>Soldier<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Infantry<strong>

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><p>Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. ~ unknown<p>

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><p>Two years had passed since detective Amanda Rollins sat back down at her desk in the SVU squad room. Two years of just putting one foot in front of the other to get as far away from the ordeal as possible. Some days she felt as she would be able to, some days not. What had transpired popped up in the back of her mind ever so often, unwelcomed, vivid flashbacks from low points, humiliation and pain.<p>

Most often she was able to keep the physical reactions from the flashbacks hidden from the people around her but sometimes she knew they picked up on them. She was after all working with detectives. Having covered up emotions and traumatic events her entire life though she thought she did a pretty good job of covering most times. The one thing she couldn't hide though was the loss of her sister and the devastating grief she felt of not having her in her life any longer.

She missed her sister every second of every passing day. It never eased. It never passed. She wasn't sure she wanted it to pass. Her sister had brought heartache and turmoil to her life but she had always been her constant, the one person in this harsh life she loved more than life itself. That's why when Kim had died she felt no desire or will to go on without her. Amanda hadn't planned to come out of it alive.

Her plan had been to follow her sister to whatever place you went to once you passed. If that was hell Amanda didn't care, life was a constant hell and the only way to endure it was with her sister. They'd already been in hell together and Kim had been the one thing, the one person, who made that endurable and the most important reason to go on in this dark and hostile place called life.

So after her sister passed Amanda needed to find her killer. She would do whatever it took to catch whoever had hurt her sister. She hadn't been thinking clearly, she knew that but all that had been important was to make someone pay and while doing it ending her own life in one way or another. That's why she hadn't reflected much once the spiral turned downward quickly. There had been some doubt and some serious moral boundaries to overcome but she'd never lost focus. She was sacrificing herself to catch a killer, to avenge her sister.

Never had she thought she would catch a psycho serial killer that had taunted police in three states since the 70s. And never had she thought she would survive.

She'd spent four days mostly shackled to the roof or to a table in a cold bunker room with a man who thought he had the right to execute punishment and sentence lost souls to death in the name of the Lord. She'd known she would die, she'd accepted that and endured through the pain as long as she was physically and mentally able to. She'd been a little afraid the evidence she'd collected during her time away from the squad wouldn't reach them, that it wouldn't be sufficient to catch him or the other lowlifes she'd come across during her mission. But she'd held on to the hope her squad would get them all. Her death and her sister's death wouldn't be for nothing.

It had been hard to hold on to that hope and to sanity once she was alone in that dark room. She had no idea her squad had arrested her captive and the notorious serial killer. Moments passed when she actually wished he would come back, that she'd take any punishment from his hands or his whip just for his company. The dark got to her, the dark had always gotten to her. She saw things in that dark that made her wish she was dead already. She'd surrendered to that complete darkness when her squad broke through that door and came to her rescue.

During the weeks that followed there were times when she wished she'd died down there. Her injuries were severe, she could take the pain but facing them, actually seeing them was awful. Most of her injures she could avoid by simply avoiding any mirrors but the hands were a constant reminder. The scars healed slowly and the loss of function disturbed her. Facing off with Simon in an interrogation that lasted five days while feeling weak and raw was probably the most difficult thing she'd ever done. But she'd gotten to the truth, she'd found out how her sister died. And then she'd pulled a gun on him, determined to finish him off before she took her own life.

Again her squad had come to her aid, stepping in between her and Simon and then talking her out of killing herself once she'd pointed the gun at her own head. They had to save her again a couple of weeks later once the trauma of the events again took her to the brinks of death. She just saw no reason to live. She'd humiliated herself, let herself get used and abused and done things that broke all her boundaries. She was wrecked.

Somehow though she managed to swallow the humiliation she'd felt for everything she put them through and she felt humbled by the fact they hadn't given up on her many months ago. She accepted their help and slowly but steadily made her way back to the land of living.

It had been a long and hard road, with physiotherapy and overcoming survival guilt and a lot of shame, but it had been made easier with her squad backing her the entire way until she could finally take her place behind her desk again. She had no idea how to ever pay them back but she hoped by doing her job and being a good squad member it would slowly weight up some of the burden she'd imposed on them.

**Although she felt stuck** in the same place, constantly struggling, some things had changed over the past two years. Sergeant Munch had left the department soon after Rollins walked back in. He'd told her he'd been waiting for her to return so she could weigh up his absence. Cragen had left a couple of months later, leaving the entire squad in the hands of the newly appointed sergeant Benson. It had been a bit of a hard transition with everyone needing time to adjust to the changes.

It had been a whole new role for Liv, one she was ready for but she couldn't lie, it was hard and especially the responsibility of her staff. Liv had tried to hold on to the close bond she'd formed with Amanda after her ordeal but something changed immediately between them as Liv became her boss. Amanda had gotten more reserved almost instantly, like she could confine in an equal but not in a boss. Liv was still trying to get her to open up but it didn't help that she now was the one who had to keep tabs that Amanda made her therapy sessions and that she stayed on the right track.

Another change was that the squad had a new member. Detective Keith Winters had joined right before Cragen left. Keith was Nick's age, divorced with no kids and he'd worked his way up the NYPD and transferred from Brooklyn SVU. He was an all-American, good cop with his head screwed on well enough to fit in well with the squad. He often teamed up with Nick but at times worked with Fin too. Liv had deliberately kept him away from Rollins though, Liv couldn't really explain why but there was just a sense Amanda worked better with people she knew.

Rollins had changed since she came back. No one was surprised that the ordeal had altered who she was and, not to seem harsh, for most it was a good thing. She was more cautious these days, didn't rush into situations as quickly and not as pushy as before. They did miss the outspoken Amanda though, these days she questioned herself more and Liv often had to ask for her opinion instead of her just blurting it out like before. She still had an uncanny gift to think like the perpetrators but since her ordeal she'd also learnt to connect with the victims better. Again, it might sound harsh, but she'd become an even better detective since what happened, Liv of course wished it never happen but she admired Amanda for coming back from it and the brilliant detective she'd become. She tried to tell Amanda that often, to empower her, but it was hard to say it without making it sound like that horrendous ordeal was a blessing in disguise.

**So many things had changed** over the past two years but some things hadn't. Amanda, Fin and Nick still had their desks in the same spots. Amanda kept a photo of her and her sister in the bottom drawer. And Amanda was still living at Fin's. He had made sure she knew she was welcomed to stay as long as she wanted and that he liked her company. He didn't tell her though that it was also so he could keep an eye on her. He knew she struggled. He saw it every day at work, the only time she sometimes relaxed was back home, for a short minute in front of the TV or when they had a laugh and she forgot her sister was no longer dead.

For short moments it could be like before, they argued about which baseball team played the best game, fought about which restaurant to order take-out from when no one felt the urge to cook. They contemplated each other well when it came to domestics. Fin liked laundry while Amanda hated it, perhaps because she didn't like going down in the dark basement in the building. She on the other hand scrubbed the toilet and the kitchen with delight, she did the dishes and he did the drying, he had fun vacuuming while she changed the sheets often, which of course he had to laundry though.

She stayed mostly in Ken's room, Fin had helped her make it her own. She didn't mind Ken's basketball stuff but Fin had put some Atlanta touches in there. He'd surprised her with a painting they ran upon at an outdoor market last year. It was some field with big trees in a row, she'd said it was walnut trees and it reminded her of home so he'd sneaked back later to buy it for her. He'd been a little stunned by the tears in her eyes when he gave it to her. He could find her sitting on her bed just staring at the painting some times. It was a little weird to him but it seemed to calm her and there were other things that worried him more than her staring at walnuts.

He had to keep track of her eating properly. Along with the changes in her personality came a loss of appetite. He wasn't sure what that was about but she just didn't seem to enjoy food as much these days. He'd passed it by Liv one day and she'd said something about that it could be survivor guilt but Fin didn't get how grief and depriving yourself food were linked.

He needed to make sure she didn't overdo her running, he did that by trying to distract her with other activities like grabbing a beer or watching some game on TV. She made her therapy sessions fine without him reminding her. He kept a little tabs on her medication. She'd been on antidepressants since the ordeal. He wasn't sure what good they did though cause to him she seemed depressed. He knew it was a low dose though, something about her not wanting to get addicted like her mom.

She struggled with bad nightmares most nights and that's what had finally made Ken's bed her permanent night residence, she'd felt bad for waking him up constantly. He would hear her down the hall though, at times he hurried to her side to try and wake her up before whatever haunted her in her dream got to her. At times he only woke up once that loud shriek escaped her, and then he would lie there waiting to hear her tiptoeing past his room towards the bathroom and the sound of the shower getting turned on. Most nights he fell back to sleep listening to the disrupted rays of water and with images of her naked body getting soaked. She still turned him on but he knew he couldn't act on it. It had to be on her terms now.

He would wake up again as the scent of her reached him and the slight dip in the mattress as she climbed in. He stayed semi awake to see if it would be a night where she stayed on her side of his bed or if it was a night she needed to be held. If she sneaked closer to him he had to still wait to see if she wanted to be held or not or to just lie close. It was a straining waiting game almost constantly but never would he falter. The reward was worth it those nights when he got to feel her body against his own.

The smell of her newly washed body and those wet strands clinging to him as she wrapped herself around him. Her breath over his skin, her heart pumping close to his, his arms around her petite frame. He treasured those nights when they just held on to each other. He wanted more, to say that wasn't the case would be a lie. He wanted more but he wasn't sure it could ever be more.

They had tried. Tried to have sex. It wasn't really working. It had taken a long time before she got close to him like that again. He'd been her nurse for months, helping her shower, taking care of the scars all over her back, helping her with the physiotherapy for her hands. It was a weird kind of closeness for both of them, he could feel how uncommon she was to receive help, and he to offer it. He was only delighted to be the one she let help though, to everyone else she had to act tough but with him she could let her guard down at least a little.

Then she started sitting a little closer to him on the couch again. She'd let him wrap his arm around her shoulders, he felt her hand or foot search for his. Tiny steps towards some sort of normalcy between them. He'd known it been too soon though once her lips suddenly visited his. He'd enjoyed the familiar feel of her lips and to get to taste her again so he hadn't even tried to stop her even though he knew it wasn't a good idea. The moment had turned awkward quickly once she abruptly left his lips, breathing franticly with a glazed look in her eyes. He had tried to stop her from taking off but then let her retreat to her room where she stayed until the next morning.

It was like getting turned on scared her, like it was forbidden somehow.

The kissing kept happening every now and then, he figured it was her stubbornness that made her keep trying, maybe hoping that someday it would feel different. But it never got different. It could end one of two ways. Both ways were close to devastating every time but he preferred the times when she pulled away with that glazed look on her face.

He usually got swept away, did his best to keep his hands off her and let her be the one exploring while he tried to just enjoy the moment while it lasted. The times she suffered through it, lacking a better word for it but he saw suffering on her face each time. He tried taking it easy but at times he couldn't keep his hands off her after a while, hoping to help her along to that place he knew she wanted to reach but it failed each time. If she didn't pull away franticly he would feel her body tense up and when he broke away she laid like paralyzed until he could get through to her after urging her to take deep breaths. Once she finally was able to breathe her body broke out in uncontrollable tremors followed by tears and she pulled away shamefully. Usually it took her a while to get function back in her legs which made her unable to withdraw from him making the situation even worse as he could tell just how mortified she felt. It didn't help that he tried to tell her it was okay, that she had nothing to feel embarrassed about. She always shielded her face, most times she cried uncontrollable, sometimes she screamed at him until he pulled away.

They never talked about it afterwards. It was like something secret and unmentionable, something forbidden. It pained him but yet he couldn't resist her, couldn't stop hoping it would one day work, that they would find their way back to what they had or maybe even something more. They were after all already living together, at times he toyed with the thought they might be meant to be more than partners with benefits. But then reality hit and he realized there was a good chance she would never be herself again. That parts of the Amanda he knew was still trapped in a cold, dark bunker.

**Amanda did her best **not to think or feel too much. She focused totally on work. The time between shifts she tried to make bearable best way she could. Fin was her anchor, the one person she trusted completely. She did trust Liv and Nick but she felt like a freak around them. Fin never made her feel like a freak, not even when she deserved to be treated like one.

She knew she acted weird at times. She zoomed off when memories of her sister overwhelmed her, thankfully that mostly happened off the clock. She couldn't control the nightmares and she hated going to sleep each night since she knew 8 times of 10 she would be back down there in that dark bunker. Simon was down there with her, at times it was her mother holding that whip instead of him.

Getting awoken by Fin and saved from that dark bunker made her feel like a burden. Him having to remind her to eat or to not exaggerate her exercise made her feel like a burden. She knew he didn't think of her like that, she at least hoped he didn't. But she saw the toll it took on him. The toll of taking care of her. She did her best to do that on her own, she tried really hard but she knew she couldn't fool him. He saw how much effort it took for her to keep up the act that everything was okay, that she was getting by alright. She wanted to reward him somehow.

She tried to do that the only way she knew how, the one way she'd been good at. She wanted desperately to find her way back to that place they'd been at, not just for his sake but for her own as well. She wanted that closeness, the intimacy and that relief that only pleasure could bring. But then something inside her happened, something that felt like dying, and she knew very well how that felt, it was painful. And then she was back to acting like a freak and in front of him of all people. The reward turned to a punishment instead. For both of them. The pain in his eyes, the pain she felt inside as she failed them both. Life was a constant struggle these days and that's why she tried to neither think nor feel too much.

**Neither one of them** were morning people so their morning rituals were usually quiet and went on routine. Whoever woke up first fixed coffee and then whoever got out of the shower first poured it for themselves and the other one. They worked well together like that. This morning she was first out and she handed him his mug as he walked out into the kitchen. She didn't anticipate either a smile or a thanks and didn't even register the pat he gave her arm.

He'd notice that she wore yet another one of her long sleeved shirts even though the weather news warned for yet another day of humidity. The entire summer and now early fall had been crazy hot but Amanda had still worn her long sleeves. He knew her scars bothered her. The stigmata marks on her hands were hard to hide and once in a while the impact they had reminded them all of what she'd been through. Like when she dropped a fork at lunch or her pen slipped out of her still weak grip. She always tried to cover up quickly but he saw the brief moment of defeat on her face.

It had taken her a few months to work up the strength in her hands and the fact she couldn't rely on her trigger finger had kept her at her desk for two frustrating months until she finally was able to pass her gun test using her left hand instead. She had worried her squad didn't trust her to have their back but worked really hard to prove they could rely on her. He'd been the link between her and the rest of the squad when she wasn't strong enough to face them by herself, he made sure everyone felt safe and secure with each other.

Amanda refilled her mug and then they took off towards the station. He let her drive today as many other mornings since she usually was more alert early mornings. Only problem with her driving was that she got to choose radio station and he had to suffer through some singer songwriter tunes. But seeing her hum along with a slight smile on her face as she maneuvered through the early morning traffic rush made it all worthwhile.

"You want to make a stop?" she asked at the next traffic light.  
>"Yeah, I'm starving," he mumbled. She made a stop at the curb by one of the food trucks they frequently visited and he jumped out.<p>

"Whole grain with or without egg?" he asked her through the open window as he shoved the door closed.  
>"I'm not really hungry," she answered.<br>"With or without egg?" he repeated giving her one of his stern looks.  
>"Without," she sighed and then watched him walk up to the truck.<p>

She tapped the wheel a little along with the music as she let her eyes wander across the street. Her eyes got caught on two ladies of the night walking down the street probably going back home after a night with a trick or two. She froze and sat up a little as she tried to focus her eyes on the dark skinned one. It looked like Sierra, the one person she'd relied on while under as Shay. Amanda was about to open her door and get out when the woman turned her head fully in the direction towards the car and Amanda realized it wasn't Sierra.

Amanda felt a bit torn, she both wanted it to have been Sierra and not. She hadn't spoken to Sierra in 4 months now. Fin didn't know but she'd kept in contact with her. She'd been on her mind as she recovered and then when Gordon turned up dead, with cement feet in Delaware River, it had rattled her. She'd felt a need to connect with the one person she knew could relate and she'd called Sierra. She'd seemed fine, her old spunky self and it almost felt as no time had passed since they last spoke.

Gordon's demise had of course reached the girls at the club. Sierra had been forced to take other work outside Assets once Gordon's side business vanished with him. She was after all used to a glamorous lifestyle as she herself put it. It sounded like she had it rough for a while but now everything was starting to settle again. She'd sent Fin over to her at the club with some money, money she borrowed but since then had paid him back. He of course said she didn't have to but it was important to her, she wanted to help Sierra out. She just hoped she hadn't used the money for drugs, something Fin had said was a high probability though.

After that she'd called her up every other month or so just to check in and small talk. She couldn't explain it but she still felt close with Shay and Sierra made it easy to ease back in to that personality. Sierra thought Shay was hooked up with her sugar daddy these days, her sugar daddy being Fin. Amanda had let her think what she wanted and always answered her questions evasively. Her purpose for calling was only to check in on Sierra, to make sure she was doing okay and maybe just pretend that for the duration of the call life was as carefree as she could pretend while being Shay.

But 4 months ago another girl had started answering Sierra's phone. The other girl said she was a roommate and that Sierra was okay but Amanda got a sense not everything was okay. She wasn't reported missing or dead at least and she hadn't been picked up by the police this last year, Amanda had checked. Amanda had toyed with the thought of stopping by Assets but she'd managed to talk herself out of it. Maybe Sierra just didn't want to talk to her any longer and she had to accept that.

"Okay, let's go," Fin said jumping in to the car, tossing her plastic wrapped sandwich over to her. Amanda got startled and failed to keep the sandwich on her lap.

"You okay?" Fin asked noticing her slightly odd reaction. Amanda nodded, bringing the sandwich back up in her lap.  
>"Sure?" he asked since he wasn't convinced. She looked pale and like she'd been on her way out of the car. He was a little afraid she'd gotten one of her panic attacks. The ones brought on suddenly by something to him unknown and that she tried to downplay but he knew was real and terrifying for her.<p>

"Yeah, let's go," she said starting the car back up.

They were working a rather straight forward case with a known perpetrator right now. The victim was a fifteen year old girl though and it had struck Amanda a little too close to home. The perpetrator had been the mother's boyfriend and the girl, Hailey Specter, had persisted it was consensual for a long time and just didn't want to hear that what he'd done was illegal. She said he loved her and it had taken a long time for the detectives to break through.

Liv and Amanda had mostly handled the young girl and Amanda had been the one that finally reached her and slowly she'd started to tell them what exactly had happened between the two. The charges had upped once they had the complete picture. The girl's mother was nothing like Amanda's own when it came to abuse or any addiction but there were similarities with the way both moms seemed to pretend they didn't know what was going on.

Liv knew about Amanda's past, how she'd lost her virginity at age 14 to one of her mom's boyfriends. She knew this thanks to that ridiculous deal that the Mayhem choker set up and that forced Amanda to answer his incisive questions to get the answers that they needed to learn about all his victims including Amanda's own sister. Liv saw how this case affected Amanda but since she also knew that it was healing to help others she hoped this would have a good outcome for both the girl and Amanda. She kept a close eye on Amanda and was proud of her when she got the girl to open up. They managed to build a solid case that they handed over to Barba and Liv was hopeful it was a catharsis process for her detective.

Amanda did feel good about getting the girl to open up even though it was hard to listen to her statement. Until the boyfriend was locked up though she wouldn't feel completely at ease. They'd let him out on bond to all their dislike but also to Amanda's horror.

"Are you sure she's really safe?" Amanda asked Nick for a second time in a short period of time and she walked up to him feeling a need to look him in the eye when he answered. It wasn't that she distrusted him but she had to make sure that the girl was safe from her abuser and Liv had left Nick in charge of getting the mom and girl a safe place to stay until the trail started.

"I'm sure Rollins," Nick said trying to keep the slight annoyance he felt away from his voice. He got she was invested in the case and just wanted to keep the girl safe but he wished she'd trust him enough to have this handled.

"Maybe they should have someone sitting on them?" she said.  
>"There's a car sitting on the creep," Keith said jumping in to help Nick out. He didn't get why Rollins was stressing so much over this one. Sure, they all wanted the girl safe but she was very keen about this particular girl.<p>

"And like we haven't seen bad guys sneaking away from patrol cars…" Amanda said rolling her eyes slightly at Keith.

Liv had been watching them through her window. She wasn't sure what was being said but Amanda walking up to Nick's desk couldn't be a good sign and Liv thought about going out there.

"Would it really hurt… I mean NYPD can surely afford a car on them as well," Amanda tried.  
>"I offered okay?" Nick said leaning back in his chair, "The mother declined, she felt safe he'd stay away."<br>"_She_ felt safe?" Amanda questioned, "What about Hailey…"

Amanda suddenly stopped talking midsentence with her eyes somewhere above his head. Nick followed her eyes over to the gate.

"Mrs Rollins," Nick whispered a bit stunned seeing Amanda's mom standing there. He looked back at Amanda but since she seemed frozen Nick got up off his chair and walked over to her mom in her place.

"Mrs Rollins," Nick said again catching the older woman's attention.  
>"Please, it's Emily," she said recognizing Nick from his visit to her home years ago.<br>"Sorry. Emily. I just never learn," Nick smiled extending his hand towards her. She hesitated but then took it but let it go just as fast as she'd latched on.

"Come on in," he said guiding her further in with a light hand on her back. Emily looked a bit reserved, clinging on to her handbag very tight to her body. Her eyes darted around the squad room, throwing suspicious looks at the uniforms and detectives in the room. Nick's eyes had gone back to Amanda though. She seemed to have gotten her momentum back but looked a little overwhelmed, her face pale and she even took a step back as they approached.

Keith had gotten up from his chair too and looked a little amused as his eyes went back and forth between the apparent mother and daughter. They did not seem at odds at all and he silently appreciated that someone felt the same resentment towards their parent as he did to both of his. The silence did get a little awkward though.

"So what brings you to town?" Nick said jumping in as he felt the awkwardness too. His hand had dropped from the older woman's back. Emily turned her head towards him and looked as though she was about to speak when Liv interrupted them.

"Mrs Rollins? How nice to see you again," she said walking up to them. She extended her hand and again the older woman hesitated but then grabbed it halfhearted. Liv had already caught the obvious uncomfortable look covering Amanda's face and tried to think quickly.

"What brings you to town?" she asked repeating Nick's question.  
>"I was hoping to get a word with my daughter," Emily said turning her attention back at Amanda. Everyone else's attention went to her as well. Amanda squirmed slightly feeling like the room was caving in on her. <em>It was really warm in there right?<em>

"I'm busy, I can't really step outside right now…" Amanda was surprised she was even able to put words together.  
>"I just need a minute," Emily chipped in quickly.<p>

Amanda turned slightly towards Liv not really sure why or for what. Liv searched her face for some indication to what she wanted or needed but couldn't read her detective and gestured towards her office just to do something.

"Take my office…" she offered with a lower voice even though she knew everyone heard her. Amanda frowned slightly but tried to recover quickly.  
>"No," she said shaking her head a little, "the interview room…?"<br>"Sure," Liv said doing her best to not touch the blonde. She looked in dire need of a hug or any kind of affection.

"We can't offer you much, but a coffee perhaps?" Liv said turning back to the mother hoping to give Amanda some time to compose herself.  
>"No thank you," Emily answered surly though and pinned her eyes in her daughter again. Amanda turned on her heal and started walking towards the interview room trying to straighten her back as much as she was able to right now. <em>Why was she here? Why now?<em>

In two years she's spoken to her mom exactly once. It was last year when she'd called to, in her usual passively aggressively manner, inquire why the birthday card she sent was returned to sender. Amanda had tried to explain the somewhat complicated situation using as few words as possible since she knew her mom could, and probably would, use every single one of them against her in some way or another. She hadn't been too combative though but there had been a hint of disapproval in her voice when she learnt this Fin character wasn't a girlfriend but her _male_ partner. The birthday card had arrived a few days later and another one this year.

Amanda had sent cards and flowers for her mother's birthdays and gifts at Christmas. She'd dropped her mother a few e-mails over the years just to check in but she wasn't sure she received them since she never replied. Amanda wasn't sure why she kept writing. She didn't like her mother but she stilled loved her for some reason. She tried to explain it to herself with the fact her mother was now her only family. _But what kind of person did it make her? What kind of person could love someone that had repetitive inflicted pain on you and out loud told you that she hated you? Only a miserable person would still love someone that didn't love them back._

Amanda stepped to the side to let her mom pass. She watched that sharp chin, that slanting nose ridge and those suspicious blue eyes that immediately scanned the room they walked in to. She swallowed hard as she saw Fin step back in to the squad room and she met his eyes across the room as she closed the door.

"Who's that with Amanda?" Fin asked having just walked back in from a brief visit downstairs. Liv was on her way back to her office already.  
>"Her mom," Nick let Fin know.<p>

Fin looked a bit stunned but then immediately turned back to the interview room to try and get a glimpse of her. It would be a big, fat lie if he said he wasn't very curious about this woman. He hated her with all his guts but he was also very curious. He'd never met her and Amanda very rarely spoke of her. He'd seen her photo up on that wall once they tried to find his missing partner. It was an old mug shot from when she was arrested for assaulting another woman in the parking lot of a supermarket. Next to the photo hung a medical report for the young girl Amanda. That was all he had to see to hate this woman.

"What is _she_ doing here?" he asked knowing she'd never called once during Amanda's recovery or any time after that. For all he knew Amanda had only received a single birthday card from this poor excuse of a mother.  
>"She said she wanted to talk to her," Nick informed him, "Seemed a bit urgent."<p>

Both of them kept their eyes on the two blonde figures that seemed to be at a standoff inside the interview room. Keith meanwhile had sat down again by his desk feeling a bit disregarded. No one had even hinted at introducing him. His eyes were on the two male detectives. He had no idea why they seemed this interested in the newly arrived guest. She'd just looked like a reserved, on the grumpier side, aging woman. He couldn't help but think 'like mother, like daughter' since Rollins from the very first day he stepped in to this squad room came across as very reserved. He'd never gotten a good read on her. He had of course heard the rumors and he'd followed the news years ago as they reported about the missing NYPD detective and the unmasking of the notorious Mayhem killer.

He'd been out there on the streets keeping his eyes open for both of them. But even though she was a fellow cop the news had faded quickly as everyday life went on and it wasn't until he got notice of his new assignment that memories of that resurfaced again. Her name escaped him but he remembered the photo of her that had circled the police department and he recognized her as he shook her hand that first day. She'd seemed timid but given him a smile and a proper welcome. He'd soon found out though that she was a bit tricky. He couldn't really explain just how and he really didn't get a chance to get to know her better as she kept to herself mostly and for some reason he was never partnered up with her. He'd tried to quiz Amaro about her but he immediately got defensive. There were just some things with this squad you never talked or touched upon and Keith had worked long enough to know when to back off. Anything detective Amanda Rollins was simply off topic.

"I don't like it," Fin mumbled as he kept watching his partner.

**Liv had gone** back to her office for the soul purpose of keeping an eye on Amanda and her mom through the mirror in to the interview room. Of course she hadn't made it that obvious and she got some help by Amanda and her mom remaining standing behind the table so Liv could sit down at her desk and still watch them. She really wanted to turn the sound on and cursed her own sense of privacy which made her unable to do it.

She tried to keep an eye on the file she'd been reading before Amanda's demeanor out in the squad room had caught her attention and then Amanda's mom suddenly showing up which had brought her out of her office. But she couldn't keep her eyes off the two in the next room. They seemed to be talking, or Amanda's mom seemed to be talking while Amanda mostly listened with that crease between her eyes getting deeper by the minute.

Liv could read a lot just from their body languages. Amanda's arms were crossed in front of her, shoulders up and she was slightly turned away from her mother. Her mother was still clinging to her handbag. Both in defensive stances and further apart from each other than you'd expect from a mother and daughter talking. Liv knew their history though, from the medical reports she'd dug up when Amanda was missing. She wasn't sure what the status of their relationship was today but she didn't think they were in contact.

Cragen had called Emily up once they found Amanda and knew that she was going to pull through. Liv remembered the disgust on their captain's face afterwards, he rarely showed emotions like that so she knew it had been bad. He'd told her what the mother had said.

"_Of course she's okay, that kid always lands on her feet however way you toss her. Unlike my other daughter unfortunately." _

It had been a very weird thing to say but Liv didn't doubt that it was exactly what she'd said. It could be explained away with grief, with worry, with shock but for Liv the answer was simple. That woman was evil. Only evil could put a child through hell and then be able to show no remorse what so ever.

Liv stopped trying to pretend she was reading the file as Emily took a step closer towards Amanda who was now shaking her head. The crease was gone and instead she looked a bit terrified. Emily had let the tight grip around her purse go and was gesturing with both hands in a somewhat agitated way. Liv could hear her voice through the door but couldn't pick up on what exactly was being said. She knew by Amanda's face though that it wasn't something good.

Liv rose to her feet the moment after the slap landed on Amanda's cheek. It was hard enough to make strands of hair fly as her head spun by the impact. Liv was stunned but able to make her way to the window. She'd expected Amanda to put up some fight but she just took it, no hands came up to defend herself, nothing seemed to be said. And then there was a second slap.

"You ungrateful bitch…" Liv heard Emily hiss as she stepped through the door.  
>"Step away Mrs Rollins," Liv shouted hurrying around the table to get to them in case the older woman would try a third attack.<p>

"You…" the older woman directed Liv's way with a sinister look across her face.  
>"Me what?" Liv challenged feeling her blood boil.<br>"You have no right to burst in here," Emily said.  
>"You just assaulted a NYPD detective," Liv informed her, "I'm placing you under arrest."<p>

Fin opened the door out towards the squad room just as Liv brought up her cuffs.

"What's going on in here?" he asked a bit baffled.

The raised voice from the interview room had of course reached them out in the squad room but everyone had tried to keep their eyes down to not invade privacy. Once he'd heard Liv's strong voice though he'd dared to charge in and now here she was cuffing Amanda's mom?

"You can't do that," Emily said horrified as Liv spun her around against the table. Her palms and purse landed hard against the surface.  
>"Oh I sure ca…" Liv said grabbing a hold of one wrist but then she got interrupted as Amanda suddenly stepped up by her side, her hand landing softly on Liv's arm.<p>

"No, Liv, please," Amanda begged silently. Liv gave her a concerned look. Amanda's eyes were glanced and her cheek was burning red. Liv felt Amanda's hand shiver but when her eyes dropped to it Amanda quickly pulled it back in.

"You can't let her…" Liv said quietly but never finished the sentence as Amanda's face dropped further.  
>"It would just cause more… it would get messier," Amanda stuttered. Liv had already let Emily's hand go and now she put her cuffs away.<p>

"You're all crazy," Emily mumbled as she straightened her back as well as her blazer.  
>"We?" Liv questioned but tried to settle down, "You get out of here and don't ever step in to my squad room again."<br>"If this is how you treat guests…" Emily said but left it at that as she took a step towards the door. She pierced her eyes at her daughter and Liv got ready to jump in if she tried to hit her again.

"I should've listen to your father and had that abortion," Emily hissed.

"Okay, get out of here right this minute," Liv said with a raised voice as she would arrest this woman if she lingered even a second longer. Emily huffed but started moving towards the door. Fin stepped out of her way only after been given a glare by the older woman. He made sure she knew he wasn't intimidated though, he only stepped away to get rid of her.

Emily walked straight towards the gate, passing Nick who'd been hovering a few yards behind Fin.

"Are you okay?" Liv asked Amanda once she was sure the evil witch was really walking out. Amanda nodded trying to compose herself.

"What happen?" Fin asked coming closer. Either Amanda or Liv answered him though.

"Are you sure?" Liv asked Amanda instead. Amanda nodded again, trying to put some energy behind her gesture since she wasn't able to verbally answer right now.  
>"What did she want?" Liv tried. She was curious what had gone down in there.<p>

"It was…" Amanda started but trailed off as she tried to come up with an answer, "…nothing. She's just… Nothing."

"She hit you for no reason?" Liv asked making Fin's eyes grew wider. He'd missed that.  
>"She doesn't need a reason," Amanda whispered. Liv's heart sunk as she saw the sadness on Amanda's face. Both Liv and Fin just stood there not sure what to say.<p>

"Can I go back to work?" Amanda asked as she felt in bad need to get out of there.  
>"You want to just take a minute?" Liv asked since she wasn't sure Amanda could head back out just yet.<p>

"I rather get to work," Amanda said, that pleading back in her voice again.  
>"Okay," Liv said giving her a nod even though Amanda kept her eyes down. Amanda turned to walk out but stopped briefly by Fin's side.<p>

"Can we go check on Hailey?" she asked him and he nodded almost immediately. She nodded back and then walked out to her desk, making sure to avoid both Nick and Keith's stares as she wasn't sure she could stand seeing anyone else pity her right now. Instead she focused on collecting her things and then headed towards the gate. She got a little frightened her mother hadn't made her way out of the building yet and she waited for Fin to catch up to her as soon as she'd made it around the corner and out of sight of the squad room. She was in desperate need to lean her back up against the wall anyway.

Fin meanwhile had exchanged a glance with Liv. He was looking for some answers to what had just gone down and how to handle it. But her face gave him no answers, she looked just as worried as he felt. He tried one last time but Liv just sighed and shrugged slightly.

"We'll be with the Specters," Fin said and Liv gave him a nod.

She hadn't even tried to get behind the wheel so he knew she was off her game as they rode towards the hotel Hailey Specter and her mom was staying at. He made no effort to try and pretend he wasn't shooting her concerned looks. He'd learnt a long time ago she hated getting side-glances and even more when someone tried to hide them.

"I'm fine," she whispered after a while as she got worried he paid more attention to her than the traffic.  
>"You want to tell me what happened back there?" he asked.<br>"Not really," she muttered.

He stayed quiet for a bit but he couldn't leave the matter just yet.

"Your cheek looks painful," he finally said.  
>"Life is painful," she mumbled.<br>"Maybe talking about it would make it less so?" he suggested.

For the first time since they got in the car she turned to face him straight on. She gave him a confounded look and his face cracked quickly.

"What?" he said, laughter down his throat.  
>"Really? Talk?" she questioned.<br>"Well I heard it helps other people," he laughed.  
>"We're not other people Fin," she said less amused turning to look outside again at anything and anyone.<p>

"I know we're not but sometimes it's good to do the total opposite of what you're used to," he tried.  
>"Says the man who refuses to even try sushi," she sighed.<br>"I want my food cooked, not just rolled but nice try getting off the subject," he said as their eyes met briefly. They rode in silence for a while.

"Okay," he said as he decided to not push the matter further, "your mother proved she's still the wicked witch of the south and when you feel ready to talk about what happened you know I'll listen Amanda."

He didn't take offence to her not even giving him a look, he knew neither of them handled emotions well.

"I know," she said after a few heartbeats and then the rest of the ride was quiet.

**He knew this recent case** had hit close to home for her and he was relieved over the outcome. They still hadn't convicted the sleaze but the trial had started and there was really no doubt he would be found guilty. He liked to watch Amanda interact with the girl Hailey, he could tell the two liked each other and that the girl trusted his partner. Even with the harsh reality Amanda lit up when she was around the girl. He hoped she knew she'd done something really good for this girl.

For the next couple of days Amanda and Liv spent most time in court, both were witnesses for the prosecution and then sat in the gallery with Hailey and her mother. Liv had to excuse herself at times, she had to run the squad as well. Fin had offered to sit with Amanda but she'd declined, letting him know she was a big girl and he'd be to better use at SVU.

They had to wait a week for the ruling once Barba had closed but then, as expected, he was found guilty. As usual when it came to sex crimes the sentence wasn't as harsh as they wanted but at least the guy was put behind bars and Hailey would get to go through the rest of her adolescence without having to worry about him being around.

After the sentencing they usually cut the ties with the victims and their family but Fin knew Amanda kept in contact with the girl. Or more so it was the girl keeping contact with Amanda. She texted, e-mailed and even dropped by the station. Fin knew that Amanda knew what she had to do so he stepped away for the time being to give her room to do it. But he started to realize after days turned to a week and then two that she struggled to detach.

"If you're transforming or whatever it's called it's even more important you cut her loose," Fin said. Amanda had gotten a text just as they sat down to eat one night and he'd been unable to keep quiet as he saw her text back. It had resulted in a rather heated back and forth between them while they ate. Or rather while Fin ate and Amanda mostly ran her fork through the food on her plate.

"I already got a shrink thank you very much and it's called _transference_ by the way," she said making a face at him.  
>"So you've talked to Olivet about Hailey," he said hoping that was the case. She rarely mentioned anything about Olivet or the therapy sessions she had with her every other week and he'd let that be her thing and not asked her anything.<p>

"None of your business," she said moving towards the fridge to get a soda. They'd forgotten to put drinks out and she grabbed one for him as well and put it down loudly by his plate.  
>"You are my business, partner, so let's stop beating around the bush, we both know you identify with this girl," he said.<br>"I don't," she said stubbornly.

"You were fourteen Amanda, Hailey was fourteen when she started sleeping with that sleaze ball. He's just like your mom's boyfriend."  
>"Was not, I seduced him Fin," Amanda said getting back up from her chair again to walk away.<br>"And that's exactly what Hailey said too at first," he reminded her, raising his voice so she would still hear him as she walked in to the living room.

"It's not the same," she shouted back, sitting down with a sulky face on the couch with her soda.  
>"Bull," he shouted back, "he was just as big of a predator."<br>"I loved him, he cared for me," she shouted back, "God knows no one else did but he really did."

"Fourteen," he repeated. This was the most she'd ever spoken about this so Fin was a little excited at the same time as he was angry.  
>"Not the same," she said determined but with a normal voice so he barely heard her.<p>

"How can you say that Amanda?" he said getting up from the chair as he had to face her. He stayed on the other side of the room though knowing she didn't like to be cornered. He made sure to not raise his voice now, this was a discussion he wanted to start and not another shouting match.

"You meet girls like Hailey frequently. Girls in similar situations as you were in. Neglected, at risk…"  
>"Shut up Fin," she said between deep inhales.<p>

"I'm not saying it to hurt you Amanda. I'm saying it cause I care about you."  
>"Doing a poor job there buddy," Amanda said trying to keep herself together.<p>

"I'm sorry," he said and managed to catch her eyes briefly. He was a bit relieved she didn't look as pissed as she'd sounded but he could tell she was upset and he didn't like that either. He dared to approach her but stopped by the single armchair as she pulled her knees up to her body. He sat down on the chair so she wouldn't feel the need to get more defensive which might get her to leave the room.

"Your mom didn't watch out for you as she should've," he said carefully.  
>"I didn't need her to…" Amanda tried but her voice failed her.<br>"You did Amanda, all kids need someone to look out for them. You didn't have that someone. What your mom did to you…"

"You don't know my mom," she said defensively.  
>"I <em>do<em> know your mom. I meet your mom in every scumbag parent we come across. I know she did the opposite to looking out for you which makes her a nasty person."

Fin let that sink out for a few seconds, gave her a little time since he wasn't done yet.

"And your mom's boyfriend was one of those nasty persons too," he said preparing for resistance but none came. She kept her chin to the top of her knees and her eyes down on the soda can in her hands.

"What was his name?" he asked carefully.  
>"Danny," she answered after a while with barely a whisper.<br>"_Danny_ was a predator Amanda, he had no business messing with a fourteen year old."

"I messed with him," she whispered.  
>"That's not how it works and you know better…" he started but got interrupted by her sudden movement. She put the soda down on the coffee table, so forcefully it spilled.<p>

"I know shit," she said getting up to take off.  
>"Stop," Fin shouted out quickly making her stop midstep. He'd seen her shoulders pull up as his voice startled her and he felt bad for scaring her. He softened his voice as he continued.<p>

"Please don't run from this Amanda," he pleaded, "just tell me what makes you different from Hailey? Make me understand what makes you different from any other underage girl we come across?"

She just stood there for a while and he knew there was still a chance she could take off and that he would probably have to let her go then. He watched her back, wanted to touch it, wanted to sooth her and make all this better for her but he feared she wouldn't let him. But then her phone buzzed over at the kitchen counter and she jumped slightly. They both figured it was Hailey again.

"What I had with Danny..." she suddenly said turning slightly towards him but keeping her eyes on her phone on the counter, "…that was, it was mutual. He needed something, and I needed something. We found comfort in each other."

"What you needed wasn't an old guy screwing you," Fin couldn't hold his tongue. She moaned loudly, obviously disgruntled with what he'd said. She dragged her fingers through her hair, stopping to pull at it slightly at the top of her head but then let her arms drop to her sides again.

"You just don't get it," she sighed.  
>"Then make me understand," he said.<p>

"I told you, he was there for me like no other adult ever was," she said facing him. He had to fight really hard to not let his true feelings show all over his face. He would strangle this dude with his bare hands if he got the chance.

"He even told my mom to lay off me, he stood up for me."

Fin squirmed a little. To him it was so obvious this guy groomed her, he made her dependent on him like any other pedophile.

"He didn't use me," she said piercing her eyes in Fin as she could tell he wasn't changing his opinion on this matter, "if anything I used him. Hailey's a victim. I was never _his_ victim."

"Amanda…" Fin said taking a step closer to her but stopped when he saw her shy back.  
>"No Fin, you don't get it. You'll never get it. I never <em>felt<em> used. All I felt was loved. It's a difference."

He shook his head with obvious disbelief across his face and it made her a little agitated. She took a few steps towards him.

"I knew what I was doing when I seduced him. I've always known and I'm accountable for my actions," she said raising her voice. He'd taken a step closer to her as well and reached out to touch her arm but she flinched and pulled away.

"I know you don't like to think of yourself as a victim Amanda…" he tried.  
>"Don't… I'm not," she said taking a few steps away from him. She took a deep breath and then swallowed hard trying to get rid of the sickening feeling down her throat. She had to think, she knew that if she got too defensive now it would only work against her. She realized she'd started pacing and stopped immediately.<p>

"It was just different for me Fin, why can't you see that," she said trying to compose herself.  
>"Cause I don't do grey Amanda, you know that. You were a minor, he an adult, or at least he should've been acting like an adult and stayed away. There's no grey zone here. He should never have touched you."<p>

"Well it happened and there's no need to dwell on it," Amanda said feeling a need to get off this topic quickly, "can't we just leave it at that?"  
>"Have you talked to Olivet about it?"<br>"Fin…" Amanda moaned turning her back at him. She didn't like him intruding in that, her shrink sessions were her own. It got too messy if he got in there too.

"C'mon, I worry about you. You were the sanest person I knew and then you go off on your one woman army operation, bringing down this Russian mobster _and_ a serial killer all on your own. And then this whole bit with your mom's boyfriend. I know it's still you but I wonder… wonder what's really going on in there."

"So now I'm not sane?" she said doing her best to keep the tears that now balanced at the corner of her eyes off her voice.  
>"Of course that's what you take from that…" he muttered but took a deep breath as he knew he had to explain it better, "I get you Amanda, we think alike, we are alike, you know that. But I lost you there for a while. I get why you had to do it, if it had been my sister, my only family… I get it. But I was scared. I had no idea what was going on. If I'd ever get you back and when cases like Hailey come along I worry I'll lose you again. That you'll get lost."<p>

"I'm not getting lost again Fin," she said feeling less angry at him.  
>"It's okay if you do though but just take me with you okay?"<p>

She chuckled slightly, it felt really good to laugh right now. Hailey's case had made her tense, no point trying to deny it.

"You can talk to me you know," he said once her chuckle had sounded off, "I will get in your face and I'll tell you when I don't agree with you but you know I'll never turn my back on you. I will always be here for you boo. There's nothing you can't run by me."  
>"I know," she whispered feeling a little ashamed facing him but did her best to do it. She knew he deserved that.<p>

"So you want to tell me what your mom wanted the other week?" he knew he was pushing. Rarely did they vent this much, he rarely confronted her since he was afraid he would push her away.  
>"Can we leave that for another day?" she asked feeling exhausted already. She wasn't keen on filling him in on how low her mom had sunk.<br>"Sure. You wanna finish that food now?" he suggested and she nodded just to get them moving. He grabbed her soda, leaving the stain for later and then joined her in the kitchen.

Amanda had been curious to see what Hailey had replied. She knew she would have to cut her off but it felt good to be able to help her along in her recovery. They usually left the victims once the ruling was in and never got to see them strive, or perhaps not strive which were the case with some of them unfortunately. But Hailey was taking small steps and in a way that helped Amanda too.

So she'd grabbed the phone as soon as she reached the counter. The text wasn't from her though. Amanda didn't recognize the number. She froze as she read the text.

"You want a cold one?" Fin asked as he walked by her. He knew she liked her beverages really chilled.  
>"Amanda?" he said when she didn't respond. Her eyes were stuck to the screen of her phone.<br>"Huh?" she said as her eyes popped up. He held up the soda.  
>"Want a new one?"<br>"Eh… no. No thanks," she said sounding a bit distracted.

"What's up?" he asked sitting down by his plate. He'd almost finished already but he did like to clean the plate.  
>"You know what, I'm really tired. I'm just gonna go lay down for a while… okay?" she started to back away from the counter. She looked a little suspicious to him but as he shot a look at her almost full plate he wondered if she was just trying to get out of eating.<p>

"Not for the night I hope? I'll save your plate for later," he said trying to not push too much.  
>"Yeah, no, maybe," she said a bit evasive, shot him one of those innocent smiles of hers and then turned her back to him as she continued down the hall. She held her phone tight to her chest as she hurried to close the door behind her. She took a few deep breaths trying to get a grip on herself. She noticed that her hand was shaking a little as she unlocked her phone.<p>

The text came up and she read it slowly feeling her blood freeze all over again;  
>"<em>Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. The wrath of God is coming for you Amanda.<em>"

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><p><strong>Reviews are more than welcomed. I know there's some high expectations out there for this sequel so I'd love to know what you think...<strong>


	2. Chapter 2: Camouflage

**I can't tell you how much I appreciate your reviews. Thank you so very much.**

**I know not all of you like to read smut so I want to give a heads-up to a bit of a graphic, intimate scene at the end of this chapter. It's explicit because I felt a need to really get across this bond between two characters and I just couldn't find another way to write it. This story won't have too much of that but I promise to put a warning whenever I get a bit crude.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Camouflage<strong>

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><p><em>The threat of evil is ever present… We can contain it as long as we stay vigilant, but it can never truly be destroyed.<em> ~ Lorraine Warren

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><p>They'd been swamped with cases for a couple of weeks now. Liv couldn't wait for this long summer to be over, she was silently praying for rain and cooler weather so people would stay indoors and away from the streets and parks. Special victims was busy all year round but the flashers, gropers and random opportunist sexual offenders would at least drop once fall came.<p>

She put down the last of a very thick pile of files on her desk with a heavy sigh as her eyes went out to the squad room. She could see all four detectives at their respective desk, or more so the top of their heads as they too were busy with files and paper work. She was grateful things were running smoothly between them now with the heavy workload. She spotted Nick raising his hands above his head stretching out before he dove back down again. She knew he was at a rather good point with his ex-wife these days and that he saw his daughter every other weekend and for longer periods during school breaks. She wasn't sure how things were going with his son and his mother though and Liv made a mental note to ask out of concern when she got a chance to catch him alone.

Her eyes wandered across the desk to her newest recruit, Keith Winters. His short chestnut brown hair was as usually perfectly combed back, the sideburns perfectly shaved. She couldn't see his face but she wondered if he had used that five o'clock shadow trick when he shaved this morning. Liv had overheard him talking to Nick in the gents one day, Keith said that trim drove the ladies wild. She hadn't heard Nick chuckle but it had made Liv smile. Yes Keith was probably a bit of a ladies man even though she knew he'd been burned in the ugly divorce a couple of years ago.

Either way she felt relieved that he'd fitted in so well with the squad. She knew she had a lot of that to thank Nick for, he'd been showing him the ropes since day one, really stepping up for her and the entire squad. Keith seemed perhaps a bit excessive about his exterior but still laid back and she'd never had a problem interacting with him. He could take an order, never seemed bothered by the fact she was a woman and he never complained about long hours or strenuous work. He was eager to do a good job. He reminded her of Nick when he first got here, and of Amanda.

Amanda. Her eyes went over to her blonde head. Liv straighten her back a little so she could get a better look at her. Her eyes were glued to the computer screen. She had a pen between her lips, the yellow stick bounced a little every time she bit down on it. She seemed to be in a good place right now. Liv had noticed her getting a little too involved with the Hailey Specter case a few weeks back but Liv knew all too well how hard it was to distance yourself in some cases. And with Amanda's history Liv figured she might have struggle with it a little more than usual.

And then it was the surprise visit by her mom in the middle of all that as well. Liv still didn't know what exactly had gone down between the only two remaining females of the Rollins family, perhaps of the entire family. She'd tried to approach Amanda about it but Amanda had made it bluntly clear that she didn't want to talk about it. Liv did have a hard time getting close to Amanda. Rarely did she have to reprimand or confront her so she rarely got to spend time alone with her.

They did have a one on one in Liv's office every month but Liv couldn't help but feel there was some barricade between them. Like Amanda had this invisible but very tangible shield up that prevented Liv to get close. And it wasn't just metaphorically, it felt physical too. Amanda had this way of sliding just slightly away from you if you got too close. Liv barely noticed it but it got evident when Liv was the voyeur of Amanda with a group of people. Amanda always stood one step behind or to the side.

Liv wondered if doctor Olivet got that shield too or if Amanda felt secure enough to drop it when with her psychiatrist? And if so, was there something Liv could do to make it easier for Amanda? Was there something about Liv that made Amanda feel a need to withdraw? Fin was the only one who Amanda seemed almost completely relaxed around.

Liv's eyes wandered over to the clean cut head across from the blonde. Liv smiled as she caught him closing his eyes for a second. Or perhaps it had been a few minutes? As long as he handed in his report at the end of the day she didn't have a problem with it. Fin was a very valuable member of her team. He was a good cop and he felt like the reliable, unwavering backbone of this hard working unit. He was important for them all but crucial for Amanda and the fact they had her back on the squad.

Liv had felt it was too soon. Too soon for her to come back to work, too soon to try and leave what had happened behind her. But Liv hadn't said anything back then hoping they could all carry her through. She had raised her voice when Cragen had let Amanda come in to do the interrogation with Simon, aired her concern about Amanda not being strong enough to even be up on her feet. It had been so obvious, the amount of physical pain Amanda had been in and if you could see that, how much pain wasn't she then hiding within?

Liv still felt they'd pushed, and perhaps used, Amanda to the brink of life but without the truth, even if it was hard to hear, Liv figured Amanda just hadn't been able to go on. She was barely able to go on even with the truth but the not knowing was almost always worse than knowing. At least you were able to try and move on once you had the truth served to you.

Liv couldn't even imagine what Fin must've gone through with Amanda, maybe still even went through. They rarely talked about Amanda. Liv would try and dig at times but she could tell Fin's loyalty to his partner immediately made him reserved and careful about what he disclosed. Liv didn't hold that against him. She just tried and make sure to really listen intently the few times Fin did turn to her and to try and interpret his at times intricate ways of airing concern for his partner.

She wasn't sure what their status was. She'd been completely blown away by the revelation two years ago that the two slept together, and even more so that they seemed to have been able to handle it so casually and without it affecting their work. She of course knew Amanda was still staying with him but she preferred to not know if they shared a bed or not, if she knew she would have to deal with it and as long as they were both doing their job Liv didn't see a need to.

It wouldn't be such a bad thing if they were more than partners Liv caught herself thinking. Liv knew firsthand how lonely this work could make you and just how dark it could turn your thoughts. These days she had someone to come home to though and it really made life that much easier when you had someone to share burdens with and to join in laughter right when you needed it the most. She wished Fin and Amanda had found that in each other.

Liv flinched at Fin jolting awake in his seat. A yellow pen had hit him in the head, waking him up abruptly. Just as she'd copied Fin's flinch, she now smiled as she caught Fin's sour look turning in to a happy one. He tossed the pen back at his partner and Liv's smile spread as she caught Amanda's laugh, it was even loud enough to reach inside her office. It was rare you got to hear it and Liv cherished the moment.

Liv leaned back in her chair, diverting her eyes to give her squad some privacy. _Yes they were all in a good place right?_ They were a solid squad and Liv was pretty sure they could handle whatever was thrown at them. She wished she wasn't a constant worrier though, that the tiny disarray in her gut could just ease up. _Nothing would happen right? Things could just go right for a change?_

* * *

><p><em>The Righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance, he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked<em> (**Psalm 58:10**)

* * *

><p>Fin leaned down and tapped on one of her sock covered feet to get her to pull them in. He sat down in the middle of the couch with a heavy sigh. He could've just let her extend herself on the couch but he liked to sit in the middle of it for some reason. He could stretch out both his arms on the back frame and just fold out which way he wanted. And it also meant the benefit of getting at least her feet in his lap at some point.<p>

He was stuffed having finished a big plate of Thai food and on top of that her leftovers. It had been a long day at work, case load was crazy, and she'd quickly retreated to the couch leaving him to do the dishes. He'd left her do them yesterday so he hadn't complained, well maybe a little of whining but not too much. He shot her a look before his eyes went back over to the TV screen. He could tell she was tired by that intense stare her eyes got when she really had to focus to stay awake.

"Where are they?" he asked watching the two naked people on TV that seemed to be covering themselves with mud for some to him odd reason.  
>"Botswana," Amanda mumbled after a few seconds.<br>"What are they up against?"  
>"Heat, thorns and hyenas," she answered a little unfocused.<p>

"And who are they?" he asked trying to size the two people up.  
>"Banker and… bartender," Amanda answered a little distracted.<br>"I bet the blonde is the bartender," he joked but got no response.

"Survival rate?" he asked. He touched her curled up foot and repeated the question when she didn't answer. She sat up yawning and he put his arm up to give her room as she scooted closer to him to lean against him.

"He's 5,9," she said as she got comfortable against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her.  
>"She's 4,7 but it looks like she'll croak," she sighed as she rearranged herself a little.<p>

"She looks fit," Fin chipped in.  
>"She complained about a thorn in her finger," she said with a sigh and Fin smiled.<br>"Looser," he mumbled.  
>"Told you," she mumbled back.<p>

They watched the rest of the episode of Naked and Afraid in silence, only a slight grunt or chuckle when one of the two contenders earned one. He was a little too tired to really pay attention tonight and mostly just sat there feeling content. Content with a belly full of delicious grub, in a nice and comfy couch and with one of the people he held dearest right next to him. He leaned his cheek down on top of her head, taking a sniff of her hair and rubbing his cheek a little against her soft strands. She was totally absorbed with the TV but would probably not have been bothered with his action either way.

He closed his eyes for what was supposed to be just a moment but he must've dozed off as he awoke to her phone buzzing on the table. He realized it was more her reaction to the incoming text that awoke him though as she'd jumped so high his arm landed behind her. She quickly took his arm though and wrapped it back around her.

"You're not gonna check it?" he murmured as he wiped some saliva out of the corner of his mouth with his free hand. He felt her shake her head.

"Is it Hailey again?" he asked not able to hide a sigh. He thought she'd cut that off weeks ago.  
>"It's not Hailey," she whined, squirming a little to try and find her way back to that comfortable place. He threw the top of her head a curious look. He wondered who was texting her, it wasn't like she had that many friends but her phone had been buzzing quite a lot lately.<p>

"What if it's work?" he said not wanting to leave the subject just yet. He had this constant worry that she was lying to him.  
>"Work would call, not text," she complained squirming again.<p>

"But what…" he started but didn't get to finish his line.  
>"Shut up, you're spoiling it," she said giving his chest a slap with her palm. He couldn't help but smile and he redirected his attention to the TV. A big ass snake showed up on the TV and then an image of the guy that seemed to be ready to throw the towel in.<p>

Amanda rearranged herself again, folding her legs over him as well and wrapping her arms around him so she almost disappeared underneath his armpit. She'd been doing that for some time now, cuddling in a way that made him feel like she was in need of protection. He didn't mind but it did worry him a little. He wasn't sure what it meant or _if_ it meant anything. He didn't mind being her protector but he much rather see her not afraid or in need of protection.

She'd been sleeping in his bed for two nights in a row now. And not sneaking in after a nightmare but starting up in his bed. It had happened three times last week, she'd asked for permission the first night to which he'd said she never had to ask. Seeing how they were only on Wednesday now he wondered if she would make it seven out of seven this week.

She'd slept fairly well last week but for the past two nights he'd woken up to her silently whimpering and squirming next to him and with a coat of sweat starting to form all over her skin. He'd woken her by saying her name as he rubbed her arm gently. Once he got sight of her eyes and was sure he'd managed to snag her from whatever evil had tried to get her in her sleep he didn't ask for approval but just got a steady grip around her and pulled her in so her back connected with his chest. He held her tight, spooning her with both arms wrapped around her.

He knew she usually didn't like to be cornered or trapped but something implicitly just made him feel like this was what she needed right now.

And for a third night in a row he found himself doing just the same. He held her tight as he watched the light of the lamp shimmer through her blonde strands. He'd been used to sleeping in the dark but since she'd moved in he'd always left the bed light on. In the beginning it was because she needed it as she slept and later on it was left on so she would find her way there those nights when she needed him.

Now the light made him able to watch that soft slant of her cheek, the corner of her closed eye with eyelashes still dampen by tears that had formed during her nightmare. His eyes lingered there on those eyelashes as he felt her body drift back to sleep. He loosen his grip around her just slightly when he was sure she'd gone back to sleep so that he himself could relax a little.

But he wouldn't be able to relax tonight. He could feel something was wrong. Something was troubling her. He tried to think back to the time when Amanda had just come back to SVU after everything that had happened and to one of the talks he'd had with Liv. Or more so when Liv had talked to him. She'd told him to look for signs, sleep problems, impaired concentration, panic attacks, obsessiveness, joint and muscle pains with no obvious cause, reactive depression, shame, survivor guilt. All signs of PTSD. Liv had mentioned numerous more but he couldn't recall them all right now.

Sleep problems she'd suffered from for two years now, it was nothing new. He hadn't seen a panic attack for quite some time now though. _But she had complained about muscle pain right? The other week, she'd complained about cramp in her leg, at least twice._ But she'd done some excessive running on the tread mill that week as she'd lured him to the gym twice. He wasn't sure why she suddenly didn't go out running though. He tried to think back but he couldn't remember when she'd last gone out for a run at night.

_What was reactive depression? Was it more than usual depression or less? Shame? Survivor guilt? What was he missing? What other signs were there? Damn he should've written them all down when Liv mentioned them. But he had a pamphlet somewhere right?_ He'd been at a support group once. Some group for friends and family of rape and sexual abuse survivors. He'd actually found his own way there, not something Cragen or Liv suggested, just his own curiosity, and perhaps helplessness, that brought him there. It hadn't been all bad. He'd even introduced himself, well as much as you did at an anonymous meeting like that. He'd said a close friend, someone he both worked and lived with, had gone through some really bad shit, that she'd almost died and that he feared she might off herself.

He'd tried to watch his words, there were some old people in the group and all of them, every age included, looked like they could cry if any even somewhat harsh words were uttered. But at the time he had been really worried Amanda would kill herself and he'd never been able to air that to anyone. She was still not back at work at this time, she wasn't even leaving the apartment. It had felt good to say it out loud and he'd appreciated the head nods but then hoped for someone to say that he was wrong. That he didn't have to worry and that she wouldn't off herself.

But all he'd heard was that almost all of them had been in his shoes, they'd all had that concern and one woman had started crying uncontrollable to the point he wondered if her loved one had really offed themselves. He didn't ask, he didn't want to know. He hadn't stayed around afterwards to have coffee, and cookies that crying woman had apparently baked. He wanted to hurry home, hoping to find Amanda alive in his apartment.

He'd never gone back but he'd taken some things home from that meeting, something other than the pamphlet. There had been a man that had spoken. His wife had been raped some time ago. It sounded like they've had a pretty long and bumpy road but he finally felt as though they'd reached a good place. They were going to have a baby and by the applauds that announcement got Fin figured it was the first the group heard of it but that they all probably knew that this man and his wife had been trying to reach this point for some time.

The tears in the man's eyes had been of happiness and hearing him say that if they'd asked him six months ago if he thought they could end up here, with a baby on the way, he would've answered never. _But never would've been a lie cause here we are_, the man said.

"_We're here now and I'll never lose faith that anything is possible if you fight for it. If you fight for it and the love is real you can make it through almost anything_."

Fin had taken those words to heart. He was a fighter. Amanda was certainly a fighter. And the love he had for her was nothing less than real.

Things had deteriorated even more after that with Amanda slipping out to pay her, Fin didn't like to call him her boyfriend but he figured that's what he'd been. She'd hooked up with the drug dealing and pimping bartender at the strip club she'd worked during her undercover stint. She'd come home bruised and high and he'd lost it for a few moments. He'd reached out for help that night. Liv being the obvious choice to ask for help and she'd stayed with Amanda as he went out to blow off steam.

And as was the case so very often, when life felt the darkest a shimmer of light suddenly appears. Liv had come up with the idea of the dog, there was a dog that needed a few months taking care of while its owner was abroad. And with the help of that dog they'd managed to get Amanda outside and then slowly back to life again. That dog was a hero. He missed that dog but they still saw her, and her owner, and had taken care of her whenever her owner had to leave town again.

It felt like just yesterday but here they were two years later. He wasn't sure when he'd stopped worrying about her offing herself. It had just vanished from his thoughts like so many other things did. They'd taken two steps forward, one back and then continued like that. Together they'd made it this far, he was pretty sure they could make it through anything after all of that. He just had to get her to open up about what it was troubling her right now.

"So is something going on?" he asked the next morning as they were getting ready to head out. They usually didn't exchanged many words to each other that early and disrupting their routine earned him a peeved look from her. He just raised his eyebrows though letting her know it was a serious question.

"What do you mean?" she said walking over to the door to get her shoes on.  
>"Your sleep is more disturbed than usual, you seem a bit jumpy and…" he said joining her at the door.<p>

"And what?" she said when he left the sentence unfinished. He heard the annoyed tone in her voice but tried to disregard from it. What came out of his mouth next though was a sure sign he was nervous.  
>"A bit clingy."<p>

He immediately regretted the choice of word and even more so as he saw her stunned face. She didn't even look at him but just turned her wide eyes away from him.

"What I mean is something is obviously bothering you," he said quickly trying to recover the situation, "and I wish you could talk to me about it."  
>"There's nothing to talk about," she said grabbing for the door as she wanted to get out of there, "and I'll stop being so <em>clingy<em>."

She gave him an intense stare that lasted only a second and then headed out the door. He sighed, took a second to take a deep breath and then hurried after her. He was relieved she was holding the elevator for him when he caught up to her, had she been really pissed he figured she would've rode down without him. No one said anything on the way down though. Fin usually didn't mind silence but the awkward kind, and especially between them two, was unsettling.

He got in to the car before her and when she went to put the key in the engine he grabbed the wheel. He tried to ignore the dark look she gave him.

"Just tell me you would talk to me if something was bothering you," he said with a tone that made it impossible for her to stay angry at him, it reeked with concern.  
>"Amanda," he begged when she didn't say anything. He could tell her face had soften but he needed her to reassure him.<p>

"I'm…" she started and sat back a little to get some space from him. He let go of the wheel but stayed turned towards her as he waited for her to continue.  
>"What?" he asked softly as she remained silent and seemed to have drifted off in her thoughts. She blinked a few times as she came back to her current surroundings and then she turned to him with a slight smile forming on her lips.<p>

"I'm just having some trouble sleeping," she said quietly, "it's just… nightmares you know."

She seemed a little embarrassed and it was the last thing he wanted her to be.

"If I… you can kick me out of your bed if I'm bothering you," she smiled and he shook his head.  
>"You're never a bother Amanda and I would never kick you… not when I know how hard you can kick back."<p>

She let out a quick, loud chuckle and it made him smile as he leaned back in his seat. She got the car started and they took off.

**They drove in to the station** at the same time as Keith and the three of them made their way upstairs together. Fin and Keith were small talking while Amanda stayed half a step behind them. Nick was already at work and in Liv's office when the three stepped in to the squad room. Liv gestured them in to her office the moment she spotted them. Fin walked in first. Keith hung back to let Amanda pass him but changed his mind as he caught the disgruntled glare she shot him and he ended up walking in ahead of her.

"We got a third victim," Liv said as Fin walked in.  
>"White, single female raped outside a bar last night," she continued as all three of them was in her sight.<p>

"Why do we hear about it now and not last night?" Fin asked shoving his hands down his pockets.  
>"She only walked in to the hospital this morning," Liv informed them.<p>

"So we're definitely dealing with a serial then," Keith said putting it out there, "and he's escalating, last victim was just two nights ago."

Liv wasn't sure what to say and just sighed heavily as she looked down on the file on her desk. Four victims that they knew of so far. The first one two weeks ago, then a second one last week and two already this week. He was escalating quickly and so far they had close to nothing to go on.

"Rollins can you go with Amaro to the hospital to talk to the victim?" she asked and Amanda gave her a quick nod.  
>"I got to go up to 1PP even though I got close to nothing about who this guy attacking these women are," Liv sighed grabbing the dodgy and incomplete sketch they'd let a sketch artist draw up with the mere intel the victims had been able to give.<p>

"What can we do serge?" Fin asked. Liv gave him a look.  
>"Have a look at the crime scene? And take another round with the previous victims, see if they can recall something they forgot to tell us," she said and looked to Keith as well.<br>"And keep me posted about anything you get," she shouted after her detectives as they left her office, "Anything."

She sighed and put the poor sketch back in the file. She was not looking forward to getting scolded at.

**Two hours later** they were all back at the station, Liv in an even less good mood than before but did her best to not take her frustration out on her detectives.

"Rollins, Amaro," she said, "you go first."

Nick shot Amanda a look to see if she wanted to speak but as usual she kept her eyes down.

"Okay," Nick said, "Lucy Davies, 31, went out last night with friend…" Nick searched his notepad for the name that had escaped him right now, "Constance Cerone. As previous victims just out during a week day to blow off steam after work. They ended up drinking a little more than planned and staying out a little longer than expected. Constance left a little before Lucy who was playing pool with some guys. She was hit on a lot but not out to bring someone home. She split up with a boyfriend of four years during the summer and not looking for anything new just yet. She decided to walk home, got about four blocks and then got jumped. She hadn't seen anyone follow her from the bar though but she admits not paying much attention to her surroundings. He had a knife that she describes just like the one our perp's been using. He wore gloves, had his hood up, made her lay down face forward and he used a condom. All she could tell was that he was white, had about an inch on her and that he felt heavy on top of her."

"She saw nothing of his face?" Liv asked just to make sure and Nick shook his head. Liv couldn't help but grunt loudly. She took a quick breath though and wised up, turning to Amanda.

"Injuries?" Liv asked and directed the question deliberately at her to get her involved.  
>"A slight cut on her neck but she didn't put up a fight, like with previous victims he said he would cut her throat if she struggled and she didn't doubt his sincerity so she complied," Amanda said. Liv just nodded. One of the earlier victims had fought and got stabbed as they struggled so they knew this perp was serious with his threats.<p>

"And you?" Liv asked turning to Fin and Keith.  
>"Latest victim Talia Graham has gone upstate to her mom's place, she recalls nothing new," Fin answered and then Keith took over filling them in on how their meeting with the other two victims went. Just as their latest victim they had nothing new to add, all just barely physically healed but with a long road left to recovery.<p>

So they had four women raped now by the same guy judging by the MO used. They were all in their thirties, out on a week day and attacked on their way home. He'd managed to rape all four of them and they figured he might have tried before, refined his method but so far any potential victims hadn't been able to give them anything new. Those that had escaped an assault had run for dear life, rightfully so, and hadn't caught a good look of their assailant.

Liv crossed her arms in front of her and watched the board with the four victims and the poor sketch of the perpetrator. 1PP had demanded action. She approached the map on the board. The four sights of attacks were all in a limited area, this guy hunted the same grounds and she toyed with the idea to just put patrol cars outside every bar but she knew that might just force him to find another area and bring up the number of innocent women attacked. But she also knew that as soon as the news of a serial roaming the streets hit media that would probably make him more careful and maybe relocate.

"We should trap him," Keith blurted out as he couldn't hold it in. He could tell their sergeant was probably thinking the same the way she circled the map with her finger. Liv turned to look at him with a somewhat startled look upon her face though.

"Look, he's hunting in a smaller area," Keith said gesturing towards the map and then lifted his hand towards the row of victims, "and we know what type of women he likes. It's not rocket science. We should be able to take him down."

Liv's eyes went up to the board again and her eyes travelled over the four victims.

"Bait me."

Liv spun around by the sound of Amanda's voice.

"You should bait me," she repeated when Liv just watched her, "I fit his bill."

Fin was shaking his head to Amanda's left but no one was watching him. All eyes were either on Amanda or Liv.

"I'm not sure…" Liv started but Amanda held up her hand in the air as she walked up to Liv and then passed her to get to the board.  
>"Blonde, thirties," she said gesturing up to the portraits. One of them were brunette but if you saw the more recent photos from the hospital you'd know she'd bleached her hair during the summer. When she learnt all the victims were blonde she might start to regret that decision just as much as she regretted walking home instead of taking a cab like everyone always adviced you to do.<p>

"Use me serge," Amanda said staring Liv down, "You _should_ use me."

Liv was still reluctant. Amanda hadn't worked undercover since what happened two years ago. She'd been back-up, sitting by a bar or in a lobby during stake-outs but never undercover. It wasn't that Liv didn't trust her but she was just fearful it was too much, that perhaps Amanda wouldn't handle it.

"We should let patrol cars drive around this part," Keith said walking up to the board and went behind Amanda so he could reach the map.  
>"Force him over this way," Keith ran his finger further south on the map, "have Rollins in one of the bars down here. We can even go in to the others, warn any blonde women in there and make Rollins the only blonde one out there for him to target."<p>

Liv got a little annoyed that he started to plan the operation without her giving the go-ahead. Not that she minded initiative but she didn't like the thought of Amanda exposed like that. She'd been exposed enough for a lifetime but at the same time Liv knew it wasn't right to hold her back if she herself felt ready to put herself out there again.

"Hold on Winters," Liv said and made Keith quiet down as she directed her attention back at Amanda.  
>"Are you sure you want to do this?" Liv asked. She immediately regretted not taking Amanda to the side to make sure this was her decision and not forced out of peer pressure or blind dedication. Amanda nodded but Liv still wasn't satisfied with the answer. She didn't get a chance to ask again though as Amanda spun around and told Keith to start over.<p>

The chance that this perp would strike again for a third time this week wasn't that high but they didn't want to take the chance with an unsuspected victim out there. It was Thursday, still a week day which was his pattern. Keith's plan was good, he had a lot of experience from various operations with both SVU and Vice. He also had a past as a bartender at his uncle's bar so Liv posted him behind the bar at the place Amanda would go to later tonight. Liv had called in another detective Amanda's age to keep her company and act as her friend, she was biracial so would hopefully not be targeted but they would of course take precautions. Nick would be in the bar as well as just another customer while Fin and Liv sat outside listening in. Two other detectives would join them, one inside the bar and one outside in a plain car.

Fin was still on the fence but everything moved so hastily he just had to roll with it. If his partner and best friend would be out there it was important the plan was solid so he did his best to get his head in the game. Liv had sent Amanda down to their storage to pick out an outfit for the night. All the victims had been dressed for a night out on the town, in outfits the court surely would question if this case ever went to trial but Liv told Amanda to pick out something she felt comfortable wearing.

Liv was forced to send Fin and Nick out to check up on a lead in another case but they were back in good time before tonight's action. Liv checked in with them to find out what they'd found and then she asked Fin to step in to her office just briefly.

"Something up?" he asked with some worry to his voice as she closed the door behind them.  
>"I just wanted to…" she started but as she hadn't planned exactly how to ask she tried to come up with the rest as she walked around her desk. Once there though she froze as she faced him and a kind smile formed across her face. He smiled back but felt a little confused.<p>

"Will she handle this?" she asked without losing her smile.  
>"She says she does," he said after a couple of missed beats. Liv's smile faded slightly.<br>"Yeah but I'm asking _you_ if she will handle this," Liv said. Fin broke their gaze and sighed as he put his hands on one of her visitor's chair and let it carry some of his weight.

"We have to trust her," Fin said and faced Liv again. Liv's smile had faded completely and that concerned look was back on her face.  
>"She'll have us every step of the way," Fin said as he felt as though he needed to reassure her, perhaps reassure them both.<br>"We'll have her back," he said and shot Liv a smile. Liv nodded and was able to smile again. Fin walked out of her office after she'd asked him to check on his partner. Liv told him she was getting dressed in the bunks and also informed him she'd ordered dinner for them that would arrive shortly. Fin said he would fetch Amanda and walked down the hall.

He knocked softly on the door to the bunks and waited for her to give him the go-ahead. Once he heard her voice on the other side of the door he walked in.

"Wowsa," slipped out through his lips once he caught the looks of her and his eyes were far below hers. He shut the door without letting her go with his eyes.  
>"I'll take that as I pass," she chuckled slightly and spun back around towards the mirror to finish applying her mascara.<p>

He was still checking out her bare, toned legs that looked sky high in the heels and short skirt she was in. His eyes wandered up her body as he approached her. She skirt was black, looked shiny and matched the material in the red top she was wearing. The top covered her back but the outline of her black bra shined through in this light. He figured that might be on purpose though. The sleeves were short with a split at the shoulder which made the fabric fall down on either side of her lean arm muscle. He liked seeing her with short sleeves and his eyes wandered down the soft skin on her arm all the way to where her hand was applying eye make-up.

He'd reached her by now and caught her eyes in the mirror as his hand landed on her bare shoulder. They smiled at each other as his fingers squeezed her fondly. His eyes went down the soft blonde curls that flow down her back. She'd put a pin on one side of her head that held the curls away from her face. He caught her reflection in the mirror again. He hadn't seen her in this make-up since…

He got an unsettling feeling in his gut as he recalled the last time he'd seen her like this. She hadn't been in a good place then.

"You okay?" she asked bringing him back to present. He quickly gave her a nod accompanied by a smile.  
>"You look great," he said as she walked over to the nearest bunk, "you feeling okay?"<p>

"Yeah, yeah I do," she said and sounded honest enough. He watched her as she thread a pair of rather large hoops through her ears. He couldn't help but have a look down her cleavage as well. She'd left three buttons undone and her black bra peeked up in the gap. He caught her rolling her eyes at him but it only made his grin wider.

She slipped on a bunch of metal bracelets on one hand and then put just as many on her other.

"Will this cover them up some?" she asked putting down her arms so the bracelets fell down over her hands.  
>"I've told you already, you barely take notice of them," he reassured her, "and the lighting in there will be soft at best."<p>

She didn't look as convinced but she straighten up her back as he walked over to her. He put a light finger on her chest and slowly let it wonder up her soft skin, let it slide along her collarbone and then up the side of her throat. His finger traced her jawline and then he took a soft grip around her chin. His eyes lingered on her red lips but then went up to catch her eyes.

"You could bait a blind eunuch," he smiled, "and we'll be right there with you."

He got a little serious looking as he continued;  
>"If you at any time feel uncomfortable you can call it off," he said and put a finger above her lip as she was about to object, "<em>Any<em> discomfort or bad gut feelings just let me know and I'll pull you out of there. Got it?"

He got her to nod and he hoped she knew no one would hold it against her if she wanted to quit.

"Okay, cover yourself up a bit or the guys won't be able to focus on any of the grub Liv's ordered for us. She wants us to sit down and eat as we go through the plan one last time," he said as he let her go. She chuckled but grabbed her hoodie from her locker, put it on and then zipped it all the way up.

"Where are you going to hide the wire?" he said on their way out with a grin as he leaned back to have a look at her backside.  
>"Oh don't you worry about that," she said slapping his arm to get him to turn his eyes forward.<p>

Liv had set everything up in the interview room. It got crowded with everyone in there but they made it work. Amanda said hi to her date for the night, detective Angela Quan that was on loan from Vice. She was used to stings like this and had dressed the part. Fin meanwhile got a plate set for Amanda and as he handed it to her he offered Angela to make one for her too which she gladly accepted. Keith had hurried to shovel food in to his mouth as Liv had asked him to stand with her at the board while they went through tonight's events.

Liv made sure she had everyone's attention and then let Keith start them off. He would head over to the bar as soon as they were done in there and Nick would walk in right before Amanda and Angela went in and then sit by the bar during the night. Keith would make sure to serve them nonalcoholic drinks for the entire night. They planned to stick around for at least two hours. Angela would leave first and get picked up by the detective in the plain car to make sure she wasn't targeted. Amanda would head out soon thereafter and head down the same path as one of the previous victims.

The chance that he struck two nights in a row wasn't great but Liv made sure everyone knew to stay alert at all times. They planned to continue next week if tonight's efforts gave nothing. So far the perp hadn't struck on weekends and they hoped he stuck to his pattern at least on that note.

Once they were done Amanda managed to catch Keith before he headed out and just stepped to the side with him.

"The first drink," she said biting her lip slightly as she looked around to make sure no one was listening, "could you…"  
>"Just a splash of the real deal?" he asked and she nodded feeling relief that she didn't have to say it herself.<br>"No problem," he said giving her arm a squeeze. He shot her a smile and then headed out.

"Everything okay?" Liv said catching Amanda in the door to the interview room as she headed back inside. Amanda nodded eagerly.  
>"No qualms about doing this?" Liv asked. Amanda quickly shook her head.<br>"It would be nice to hear you say it," Liv smiled tilting her head slightly.  
>"No qualms," Amanda said and tried her best to give Liv a reassuring smile.<p>

Liv felt like telling her that it was okay to call it off at any point but she feared Amanda would start to think then that she didn't trust her to pull this off and right now she figured Amanda needed all reinforcements she could gather so she kept quiet.

A tech guy took Amanda and Angela to the side and wired them. They would both wear devices that made the squad able to listen in and then earpieces that would make them able to hear any directives or information they might need during the night.

Amanda and Angela showed up at the bar in perfect time for after work just as previous victims had. Amanda felt tense, seeing Keith behind the bar and Nick sitting by the bar didn't ease her tension. Angela played her part well though and guided Amanda towards the bar, shielding her from the many suits that they had to pass to get there.

"What can I get your lovely ladies tonight?" Keith smiled as they landed on a chair each.  
>"Two of whatever gets us started the quickest and then keep 'em coming sweetheart," Angela said loudly and with a bright smile across her face. Keith winked at her and then walked away to get them their drinks.<p>

Angela put a soft hand on Amanda's arm having caught her staking the place out and Amanda blushed slightly as she turned her attention to her company. Angela leaned in close to her ear and said;  
>"Let's at least have fun doing this."<p>

She had that bright smile still on her face as she connected with Amanda's eyes again. Keith came back to them and he locked eyes with Amanda as he pushed one of the glasses closer to her. She shot him a smile and then hurried to grab the glass appointed to her.

"Just give me a wave when you're ready for the next round," he said.  
>"Oh you'll hear me hollering sweet cheeks," Angela teased and Keith looked very amused as he went to serve another customer.<p>

Angela quickly turned her attention back to Amanda and raised her glass at her. They put their glasses together and then had a taste of what Keith had served them. Amanda could taste the slight splash of alcohol and instantly felt a little more at ease. _You can do this_.

It didn't take long until a small group consisting of three well groomed men with ties loosen at their necks had joined them by the bar. Angela engaged them in a little small talk when Amanda remained quiet. One of the men was leaning on the back of Amanda's chair coming so close she thought she could feel the heat from his body and whenever he had a taste of his drink he brushed up against her hair. She had a hard time focusing on anything except his proximity and she'd downed her entire drink.

Angela introduced herself and Amanda while Amanda tried to catch Keith's attention. She ignored one of the guys as he extended a hand towards her and she instead leaned across the bar signaling Keith. She pierced her eyes in him and he gave her a nod. She sat down hoping he got her meaning.

"Eager to get drunk tonight?" she heard the man behind her whisper close to her ear.  
>"Not different from any other night," she said over her shoulder. The man chuckled but Amanda had a hard time even smiling. She felt some relief when Keith came over carrying two glasses. He put one down by Angela's still half full glass and then slid the other one over at Amanda.<p>

"Thanks," she said hurrying to put the glass up to her lips. She shot him an appreciating glance over the rim of the glass as she felt the touch of alcohol in her drink. _You can do this_.

* * *

><p>"She's uncomfortable," Fin said out in the van and got up on his feet putting his hands on top of his head. He sighed heavily. They had a live feed from a surveillance camera behind the bar and Fin had seen Amanda struggle since she entered the bar. He knew she disliked close circuits, she probably felt cramped in there and all he wanted was to pull her out.<p>

"Give her time," Liv said keeping her eyes on the monitor.

* * *

><p>"So what do you ladies do when you're not out getting drunk and chatting up strange men in a bar?" the guy next to Angela asked. Since Angela had been doing most the talking so far the question was directed at her but she looked to Amanda and Amanda knew she had to get her head in the game.<p>

"She's a receptionist," Amanda said smiling, "and I'm a secretary."  
>"What kind of secretary?" the guy behind her asked. She shot him a look over her shoulder.<br>"The slutty kind," she said unfolding her legs only to fold them the other way, "but I actually can type."

That earned her chuckles, both in the bar and one out in the van.

**An hour later** they were joined by a second group of guys out after work having a drink and blowing of a little steam. The first group had left after they'd realized there would be no hooking up with these two ladies tonight. Amanda had played her part well, acted interested and willing until a hand landed on her thigh or crept up her side and then she'd backed up only to gone back to teasing just enough to wear them down.

Angela and Amanda had talked a little, laughed out loud at nothing specific and flirted a little with Keith as he came up with another round for them. The next group that came up to them started out a little larger but soon there were only two guys left. They suggested a game of pool and Amanda happily accepted for both of them. Amanda felt Nick's eyes on her as she walked by him and she also felt the hand of the guy walking right behind her slide down a little too low on her backside. She wasn't sure it was okay for her to enjoy the touch as much as she did or this little game she played. Being able to tease and then to say no, to put a stop to it gave her a little rush. She liked feeling in control.

Playing pool proved itself hard though since she didn't want to risk them seeing the ugly scars on her hands. So she made a very hasty and poor shot and then left the game to Angela and her guy as she retreated to a table nearby with her guy. She kept up the shameless flirting but kept pulling back whenever the guy got too close. He asked her what she wanted to drink when her glass became empty and she told him the cute bartender would know her preference.

While he was gone she went back to Angela and the pool table where she soon was joined by another few faces out to socialize and perhaps a little more.

**Meanwhile Nick** and the rest of the crew had tried to spot any suspicious movement in the bar. They saw plenty of guys paying both Amanda and Angela attention, could be they were just loud at times or the fact the count of males in this bar highly outnumbered the females. Liv checked in with both Keith and Nick if they had anything but she got a negative response from both of them. They saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Keith got called over by a guy at the bar and walked over hoping he hadn't caught him talking in to his arm watch like a secret spy or something.

"The pretty blonde by the pool table told me you'd know what she wants," the guy said leaning over the bar a little.  
>"Oh I think we both know what she wants right?" Keith winked, making the guy snort as he started to chuckle. Nick was in hearing range though and Keith caught the stern look he shot him.<p>

"And what can I get for the gentleman?" Keith asked a bit more refined.  
>"Oh I'm no gentleman but get me a beer thanks," the guy smiled as he turned to lean on the bar as he waited to be served.<p>

**The guy pushed** his way through a few suitors as he came back to Amanda and handed her the drink. She thanked him but he'd lost his chance as she now was focused on another guy. After a while Angela cut in to the conversation Amanda was having with a guy who was bragging about how many famous clients he had sold houses to. Amanda was only happy to be asked to escort her "friend" to the little girl's room. They guy told her to hurry back to him and she flashed him a smile over her shoulder as they made their way over to the bathrooms.

Amanda stumbled on a slight ledge that took them in to a hallway that lead down to the toilets. Angela already had her arm hooked underneath Amanda's in a way you often saw girlfriends and she caught her even though Amanda was far from tripping over.

"You okay there?" Angela asked a bit worryingly though catching Amanda's eyes. Amanda nodded but realized she had to wise up a little. She did feel a little buzz even though she was pretty sure Keith had only given her just the splash of real deal she'd asked him for.

"You sure?" Angela asked as they reached the ladies bathroom.  
>"I'm sure," Amanda said trying to sound reassuring and then let Angela go as she went through the door. Amanda went in to one of the stalls as she suddenly felt the need to actually use the toilet and Angela had a look underneath the other two stall doors to make sure they were alone in there.<p>

"I was thinking of heading out in a little while," Angela said as she washed her hands just cause she felt like it.  
>"Okay," Amanda answered from behind the door. She hoped her voice didn't give away any of the apprehension she felt by the notion of being left alone. Even though she'd handled one-on-one conversations during the night it had still felt good seeing Angela there nearby. She tried to focus on the fact Nick would still be around, and Keith was behind the bar.<p>

"You won't be alone though," she heard Angela say through the door just as though she'd been able to read her mind.  
>"I know," she said as she flushed. She made sure her skirt was properly down before she stepped out. Angela was facing her as she stepped out, leaning against the sinks.<p>

"I'll be outside as well, we have your back," Angela said a little quieter when Amanda stepped up next to her to wash her hands. Amanda shot her a quick sideway glance and a brief smile to acknowledge her. She knew they would but it still didn't make her less nervous. _She would leave this bar alone. Someone might be stalking her and that someone might put a knife against her throat and push her to the ground with the intent to rape her. She couldn't do this._

"Ready?" Angela asked as she handed Amanda a paper towel from the wall. Amanda nodded, doing her best to smile and then they went outside again. Angela's arm was back underneath her arm and Amanda tried to soak some of that security Angela seemed to radiate. Angela took them back to the bar just so they could make one last order and then they made their way to another corner of the bar just so they could make sure everyone in the bar had seen them.

It didn't take long until some of the guys from around the pool table had tracked them down again though. They engaged in conversation with them again and Amanda found herself sliding back to that place where she quite enjoyed having the power to set her own boundaries. She was sitting almost back to back with Angela, both engaged with at least one guy on their side.

Too soon though she felt Angela's hand caressing the side of her arm.

"I really have to head out now sweetie," Angela mused as Amanda turned to face her.  
>"Already?" Amanda said acting a little disappointed, pouting her lower lip to add to the act.<br>"I know but I got a busy day tomorrow Mands," Angela said giving her a hug, "and Patric is picking me up."

"You want a lift or are you sticking around?" Angela asked when she let her go.  
>"I might…" Amanda threw a quick look over her shoulder only to get eyes on two guys looking a little like two eager pups down by a dinner table and she couldn't help but giggle in a way that wasn't an act but that she hoped she could sell as an act to the one listening in.<p>

"Might just stick around for a bit," Amanda said turning back thinking she heard a cheer behind her but wasn't sure if it was just her imagination.  
>"Okay sweetie, talk to you tomorrow?" Angela said as she stood up but then waited to get a nod from her before she took off.<p>

"Nice talking to you, take good care of her you hear," Angela winked at the guys as she took to the door. She would stay right outside the door until the plain car picked her up. Angela looked nothing like previous victims but they still had to make sure she wasn't targeted.

"So tell my mate here about that time you caught your boss in the copy room," the guy next to Amanda said and he gestured to a new face that had joined them.  
>"You're going to love this," he said to his mate.<br>"You really get off on dirty stories don't you," Amanda smiled cheekily at him.  
>"When you tell them," he countered, rubbing up against her arm as his hand once again rested right by her ass on the seat.<p>

She took to the bar not long thereafter just to get away from the somewhat slimy guy and the hand that wouldn't stop connecting with her ass even though she constantly removed it or herself from it. A guy stalked her over to the bar, talking her ear off as she pretended to settle the tab with Keith. She handed him her card knowing he wouldn't charge it but just to act like he would.

"Don't tell me you're leaving already," another guy said coming up on her other side.  
>"Afraid so," she said pouting her lips a little, "Will you miss me?"<br>"I wouldn't have to if you let me take you somewhere a little quieter," the guy suggested and Amanda giggled throwing her head back a little.

"Sorry but no," she said instantly making the guy's face drop, "maybe I'll see you around though? I like this place, might be back."  
>"Might?" the guy said disappointed, "Give me your number so we can make sure."<p>

She had to give it to him, he was being a little charming and he had the eyes to match it. So far she'd been taking numbers and not giving any but she figured it couldn't hurt to break the routine in case someone was watching her. Keith came back with her card and she asked him for a pen.

"Give me your arm," she said to the guy once she had the pen in her hand. He quickly folded his shirt up and gave her what she wanted. She scribbled down random numbers on his hairy arm and ended the row with a somewhat crooked heart. He smiled looking at her scribble and she felt a little bad deceiving him. But he was cute, he would score again. He looked like he wanted to give her hand a kiss in a very gentlemanly way but fearing he would see her scar then she instead leaned in and gave his cheek a kiss. She could feel him trying to turn his mouth closer to hers but she'd already left him when he was able to. He still smiled though and played with his eyebrows, patted his arm and then walked back to his friends.

"What about me?" the guy to her left, that she'd completely forgotten about, said with a sullen look.  
>"You'll be okay," she said patting his cheek and then she turned to Keith and close to hollered a 'thank you and good night'.<p>

Keith gave her a wave as he hung some newly washed glasses above the bar but his eyes were focused on anyone that might be leaving the bar behind her. Nick was also keeping his eyes open. Fin had gotten out of the van across the street from the bar and was waiting in the dark alley next to it. Nick would also leave the bar a couple of minutes after Amanda and be ready on foot in case the perp attacked her.

Amanda stepped out in to the somewhat cool air. She liked the slight breeze but needed the air to be chillier if it would bring her body temperature down. The breeze took a hold of her skirt and she whisked it down quickly. She tried to find Fin in the shadows across the street, knowing he was really there would calm her she was sure but her eyes couldn't descry him. _You can do this_.

She got pulled from her thoughts by someone stumbling in to her. She hadn't moved away from the door and was in the middle of the way so she couldn't be cross on whoever it was. He immediately blurted out an excuse and when she turned her head she recognized him from the bar earlier.

"Change your mind?" he smiled but continued when she looked puzzled, "Going back inside again?"

Her face broke in to a smile as she shook her head.

"Nah, calling it a night," she said taking a step further out to the curb.  
>"Where you heading? Want to share a cab?" he asked stepping right out after her. She gave him a look, his jacket had a hood but it didn't look like the type of hood the victims had described. She let her eyes wander up to the starry night. She felt a slight chill go up her back but still didn't feel like putting on her jacket.<p>

"No I think I'll take a walk in what might be one of the last warm nights we'll get," she smiled. He raised his eyebrows.

"That's one brave woman, challenging the harsh street of New York."  
>"I think I can handle it," she said giving him one last look before she started her walk down the road. Part of her wanted this guy to follow her. If he was the one her surveillance would easily pick him up and the moment he pulled the hood up and went for something in his pocket they would surely jump in.<p>

"_Fin's on foot, you got two cars following you._" She heard Liv's voice in her ear. She took a deep breath and just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. She had to act casual, stay away from the dark corners along the street but still act casual. _You can do this_.

It was rare that you ever felt alone in New York City. _She couldn't remember a time when she'd ever felt lonely while out on the streets. Perhaps when walking down to that shady part of Far Rockaway where Gordon had stashed her. But there had been people around, it was just she'd felt so very alone then, like she had no one. Now she had Fin somewhere across the street, surely keeping his eyes on her. Liv was in the van, another couple detectives in plain cars following her. She wasn't alone but yet the street felt empty, like every shadow, every creepy sound that sneaked up on her was out to get her. Wanted to devour her. Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. _

Amanda jumped by a ruckus coming from within the alley she just passed. It sounded like a pile of cans tumbling to the ground. Her heart jumped from an already high 100 to at least 120 and she caught herself close to hyperventilating.

"_No one's following you. Just stay alert._" Liv's voice in her ear again and Amanda tried to get a grip. She straighten up and moved back to the middle of the sidewalk again, away from the curb she'd almost stumbled down from. _She wished she could see Fin but he was lost in whatever shadow he was hiding in. Be sober, be vigilant_.

There was a row of cars coming up and she felt as though she moved in to a funnel, this would be a perfect place for him to strike. Anyone on the other side of the road wouldn't see her go down. _But maybe he waited for the exact point where he'd attacked victim number two?_ She was just a block away. She knew the place well, she'd help search the place as she arrived just as the ambulance drove the victim away. She recalled the blood spill on the pavement, the victim's pants thrown to the side like some dirty rag. He didn't take trophies. _Why didn't he take trophies? Most serials did. He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy._

She realized she'd passed the parked cars without getting jumped but then her heart beat rose again as she caught sight of the crime scene up ahead. _Get your head in the game Amanda. He could be waiting there. But then how could he have been at the bar? Surely he couldn't know she was going to walk this exact way?_ She tried to see through the shadows of that small courtyard. _Was he watching her? The evil deeds of a wicked…_

She spun around quickly as a sound echoed down the street again. She gasped for air as she thought she felt a present in front of her instead and she spun back around quickly. Too quickly, and she almost lost her balance. No one was in front of her, no one was in that courtyard, she could see through the shadows now. She took a deep breath and tried to focus ahead. _She wished for Liv's reassuring voice in her ear telling her no one was following. Or that she wasn't making an ass of herself jumping at shadows. She could scare this beast off if she acted weird. None of the other victims had felt scared on their way home, none have feared the darkness or the potential threat walking home alone. She was ruining this._

For a short second she'd spaced out and forgot where she was headed and she almost took the wrong turn but caught herself at the last second. A group of intoxicated people came down the street, heading for her. The sound of their voices and wobbly walk told her they were intoxicated. They all greeted her as they passed her and one guy grabbed her hands and took her for a short spin. She smiled, relaxed for a second but then tensed up as soon as the guy had left her to continue on her way.

"_There's a man approaching from behind._" Amanda heard Liv say just as she turned to keep walking down the street. She tried to keep walking casually. She hadn't seen anyone as she'd looked back at the group that just passed her. How could she have missed that?

"_He could be the one, stay alert Amanda._" Liv said in to her ear and Amanda moved a little more towards the curb as she kept walking. She focused her eyes forward but kept listening for sounds behind her. It didn't take long until she felt the presence behind her. She couldn't hear his footsteps but a light at the corner made his long shadow fluttered over the wall next to her. A car passed and she lost track of him. The next second the figure passed her and kept walking. She kept walking too, expected him to perhaps turn back around once the car was out of sight. He had a hood up but both his face and hair had been visible and she'd gotten a good look at him. _He didn't look like a thug but she'd learnt the boy next door could be a vicious killer and the decent school teacher could be a sadistic rapist. Evil lingered everywhere._

The young man turned the same corner she was going and Amanda saw one of their own cars pass and drive ahead. For the first time she spotted Fin moving a little hastier on the other side of the street as he too tried to get ahead to see if the man would be waiting. He disappeared back in to the shadows further up but she felt safer just knowing he was really there.

"_He wasn't the one. Stay alert though_." Liv came back to her. Amanda wasn't sure just how they'd been able to rule the man out but she didn't doubt them and focused on the staying alert part. She only had two more blocks to go. She thought she'd really wanted to catch this guy but suddenly it became about making it to the finish line. It felt as though she was playing a game and with the simple task of making it unharmed to the goal.

Her heart pounded harder those last two blocks, she had to remind herself to keep walking and not to rush. Every shadow turned to figures out to get her. She couldn't hear anything but her own breathing and her thoughts got close to ridiculous as bizarre images popped up in her mind on ways the game would find a way to destroy her. Not until she reached the door and was able to close it behind her did the craziness stop. She hurried further in and the moment she was out of sight from the street she pressed her back against a wall trying to get her breathing back to normal without panting.

"_Stay put Amanda. Fin will come get you_." Liv said in to her ear as Amanda pressed her palms against the cool wall behind her. It didn't take long until she heard the gate open and close.

"Amanda?" Fin called out.  
>"In here," Amanda breathed and forced herself to leave the wall. She barely made it off the wall before Fin popped up around the corner.<p>

"You okay?" he asked thinking she looked pale in the poor lighting. She nodded.  
>"Wish we'd hooked him though," she said trying to sound more disappointed than she felt.<br>"There was only a slim chance he'd be out two nights in a row," Fin said as he grabbed a hold of her arm and squeezed it gently.  
>"Liv's waiting downstairs for us," he let her know and then guided her towards the stairs.<p>

Liv had told the driver of the van to drive down in to the garage and as planned they were waiting for Fin and Amanda as they got down there. Liv had gotten out and waited with the back door open for them.

"Everything okay?" she asked even before they reached the car. Fin nodded.  
>"Yeah," Amanda said, "sorry I couldn't hook him."<p>

"It's not your fault, you did great," Liv said touching Amanda's arm softly when she got close enough. Liv tried to hold her eyes but Amanda turned her head down.  
>"Hey," Liv said demanding her to look back up, "it's not your fault." She said it so sincerely Amanda couldn't doubt her and she nodded to let Liv know she got it.<p>

Amanda jumped in to the van ahead of Liv and Fin got in last. Liv told the driver he could take off again once she'd seen Amanda taken a seat.

"Any word from the street? Any reports of assaults elsewhere?" Amanda asked once Liv had a seat as well. Liv shook her head.  
>"Nothing so far and I've got extra patrol cars circling the area now. My guess he stayed in tonight. Are you up for trying again on Monday?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded quickly. She figured Liv couldn't be all disappointed with her if she asked her to go out again.<p>

"Good," Liv smiled and then asked them if they wanted a ride home or to be dropped at the station where Fin's car was still parked. Fin looked at Amanda but then decided that they would accept the ride home. It was not that late but Amanda looked a little bushed so he made the decision for them. Liv paid a visit to the driver again to give him Fin's address. Liv checked in with Nick and asked him to handle the rest of the operatives. She also let him know they would give this another shot on Monday night and to inform the others that they were more than welcome to join them again if they wanted to.

Fin meanwhile helped Amanda get out of her wires. Once they were done Amanda got her jacket on.

"You cold?" Fin asked but Amanda shook her head.  
>"Jacket's fine," she said.<p>

**They were soon** outside Fin's building and Liv sent them off with a 'good job' and 'come in a little later tomorrow'. Fin said good night while Amanda stuck to just giving her a smile as she hugged her jacket a little closer around herself.

"You look cold," Fin said as they walked up to the door and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.  
>"I'm fine," Amanda said rolling her eyes at him and pushed his arm away firmly but then gave him a look so he'd know she still appreciated his concern.<p>

"Fine was never in question," he said giving her a cheeky look and his eyes went down her body when she shot him a look. She chuckled but just continued towards the elevator.

"So how did that feel?" he asked once they were inside their apartment. She'd ducked down on the floor to get out of her heels, the strap around her ankle was a little tricky. She looked up, a little confused by his question.

"It's the first time you've been… well you know since…" he was a little relieved she seemed to get it without him really having to say it. She shrugged slightly as she went back to undoing one of the straps.

"It felt okay," she said a bit evasive. He hung his jacket and then went in ahead of her.  
>"You seemed okay," he said, raising his voice a little so she would hear him, "Eased in to all of it just fine."<br>"You really think so?" she asked following him inside once her shoes were off and she'd hung her jacket next to his.  
>"Yeah," he said convincingly and faced her as she entered the kitchen. He'd opened up the fridge and she sneaked in under his arm and grabbed a soda from within.<p>

"It was…" he said watching his words a little, "…nice seeing you relaxed, and fun to hear you interact like that."  
>"Like a total tease," she said. He got a little worried she'd taken it wrong but she had a smile on her face as he faced her. She'd poured some of the soda in a glass and handed him the can. He closed the fridge and took it from her.<p>

"So you had a little fun doing it, I'm glad," he said and walked in to the living room to turn the TV on. He sat down in the middle of the couch with a heavy sigh and managed to spill some soda over himself. He just wiped it off though and got the TV on before he had a taste.

Amanda watched him from the kitchen while slowly drinking from her glass. _She did have fun tonight. She'd freaked out a few times but in-between she did have fun. _She put her empty glass in the sink, grabbed her phone off the counter and walked over to him. She got up on the couch arm and made sure there were no new texts or other incoming messages. She took a deep breath of relief and looked over at the TV screen instead. Fin was watching some basketball game and any other day it might have caught her attention too but not tonight.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," she said and he gave her a careless 'aha' without looking at her. She left her phone on the table and walked down the hall. She found herself tip toeing down, her hands swiping down her skirt. She liked that skirt, she liked how the shiny material felt against her skin and how it made her legs look long and pretty. _She_ felt pretty in it. It did give perhaps a little too easy access to her but she didn't really mind that either.

Once inside the bathroom she caught herself smiling as she saw her own reflection in the mirror. Her hand went up to her hair and she dragged her fingers a little through it. Not too much though, she liked the curls, thought about not washing her hair so they would still be there in the morning. Her makeup was still in place and her fingers went swiftly over her lips.

Her eyes stayed on her face for a while. She didn't mind what she saw. She didn't look slutty, she thought she just looked rather… pretty. Her eyes wandered down her neck, to her collarbone that peeked out thanks to the undone buttons in her blouse. Her bra shined through the red fabric but she just chuckled slightly at the thought that she might've looked a little slutty after all.

Her fingers ran down her own breast, lingered a little right above her nipple and felt it tense up a little. She caught her eyes in the mirror though and quickly let her hand dropp down to the washbowl where the other one was already resting. She swallowed hard watching her own reflection again. She separated her lips slightly, tried a smile. _She shouldn't be so hard on herself_. Doctor Olivet's words echoed through her head.

"_It's okay to feel okay Amanda. It's even okay for you to feel happy. Your sister won't judge you for feeling happy. Don't you think she would want you to be happy?" _

Amanda turned away from the mirror and walked back down the hall. She hesitated at the corner but then took just one step around it. He didn't sense her presence at first so she took another tiny step, still not far enough for her hand to drop from where it rested on the wall right by the corner.

Someone missed a foul shot in the game and Fin grunted, his head going her way as he rolled his eyes and he caught her figure out of the corner of her eye.

"I thought you were taking a shower," he said looking straight at her. She didn't answer and his eyes narrowed. She knew he was waiting for her to say or do something.  
>"I liked the way I looked in this," she said letting the wall go so her hand could go down her blouse and skirt.<br>"I liked the way you looked in that too," he said but with a slight hesitation to his voice.

"Someone said I had great legs," she said taking a step closer to him.  
>"You <em>do<em> have great legs," he said, without any hesitation this time and he sat up a little straighter on the couch. Her eyes had gone down her own body and she'd started wiping down her skirt like she'd done before. Fin leaned over so he could place his can on the table. He wasn't really sure what was going on right now and it made him feel a little uneasy.

"So I thought I would just stay in this moment for a little while longer," she suddenly blurted out and her eyes popped up again, "that's not wrong is it?"

He slowly shook his head and he turned a little on the couch so he could get a better view of her. She'd grabbed a hold of her skirt and lifted it slightly as she tip toed further in to the room. He reminded her a little of someone that felt dressed up. Perhaps of a little girl pretending she was something she wasn't. _No he didn't see anything wrong in her staying in that moment for a little longer, for her to feel good and a little bit carefree for a while longer._

His eyes came back up from those legs of hers, his aim had been her eyes but his got caught on her mouth as she was wetting her lips in a way he found very erotic. Her tongue flickered out over them, her lip disappeared underneath that perfect row of white tees and then the tongue came out again. The saliva left on her lips made them look even redder and they shinned in the soft light of the room.

He wanted to ask her to come over to him but he wasn't sure he should or even if he would be able to utter the words as his throat felt a little clogged up. His heart started pounding even harder though as she started to make her way over to him. He straighten up on the couch, placed himself forward again and he placed his hands to the side as she got her knee up on the couch next to one of his legs. She was still holding on to her skirt and lifted it up slightly so she could get her other knee up on the other side of him. _He wasn't sure where to rest his eyes, those legs, what was hidden just underneath that skirt's hem, that bra shining through her top, all those blonde curls, that tooth biting down into that wet lower lip of hers, those intense eyes between sultry eyelashes. Too much good placed on top of him all at once. _

His hands couldn't stay still on the couch and he swiped them along her calves as soon as she'd sat down on top of him. He let them go down her legs again, afraid that if he went further he wouldn't be able to restrain himself. His head rested against the couch giving him a perfect view of her. The light shined through her hair, and through that sheer blouse of hers. She was on fire, yellow and red glowing around her.

"I liked being a tease," she whispered and it made something stir inside of him from the bottom of his feet up all the way to the top of his head. He felt flushed, blood pumping hard and fast to various parts of his body.

Her hands went up his chest, got to his neck and snaked around it with soft but craving fingers. Her eyes went back and forth from his mouth to his eyes. He could tell her breathing was strained, her chest raising and falling heavily.

"The everything but girl," she whispered, her mouth now so close to his he felt the warm breath over his already flustered skin.

He couldn't help it as his hands wandered further up. Fingertips with a slight hint of nails dragged up over her thighs, disappearing underneath her skirt. He couldn't reach her ass without bending forward and right now he didn't dare to move so his hands stayed on each side of her. His palms spread out over her warm skin, big enough paws to have some of his fingers curl in underneath her.

She let out another heavy breath and the air filled his mouth as his lips were now slightly parted. He feared she would pull away, that this would be another failed attempt and that he at any moment would lose this heavenly creature plumped up on his lap. He was even more fearful he wouldn't be able to let her go though, that he would crave more than she could give and that his body would take over his mind. He couldn't let that happen and he started to let his hands run down her legs again, coming back to her knees.

But then her mouth was suddenly on his, her hands around his cheeks as she pressed herself hard against him and then her tongue came out to play. He let her in and pressed himself just as hard up against her. His hands quickly went up her legs again and when his hands were around her butt cheeks he pushed her further up against all of him. He heard and felt the gasp that escaped her but she didn't let him go. Her hands snaked around his neck again, caressing his skin and up over the back of his head.

He held her tight, enjoyed the slight movement in her hip that rubbed up against him if even so slightly. He massaged her butt cheeks, tried to keep from pushing her further down on top of him. _Her pace_, he reminded himself.

Her mouth wasn't holding anything back tonight though. Her tongue found every cavity in his mouth, played around his and she invited his inside her by latching on to it and sucking it in. When she finally needed air, both of them did, she was the one that pushed his head down over her neck and it was her hands pressing him against her as his lips and tongue played around over her sensitive skin. One of his hands went up over her back, helping her stay upright as she arched her back and made him follow her forward.

She pushed him further down, his teeth made a visit to her collarbone before his mouth continued further down that modest cleavage of hers. His lips and teeth played with the fabric that was in his way. Another button in her blouse broke free and now it was only the fabric in the bra between his mouth and that hard knob on top of that bulge. The fabric was so sheer though he decided to not bother with it and just let his tongue flicker over her nipple a few times before he draped it with his entire mouth, soaking up the fabric as he sucked hard.

She gasped again and he had to really hold her up as she fell even further backwards. She'd soon found her bearing though and pressed herself up against him again. Feeling she still had the desire he quickly moved over to her other bulge and this time used his teeth to really tease her nipple. The gasp became a slight whimper this time and he switched his teeth for his lips to make the sensation less painful. He felt her nails dig in to his back as his mouth gave this nipple the same treatment as the other one. He left the fabric damp as he started his way up her neck. He bit down on the vein in her neck but then came up to meet her mouth again.

The kiss got passionately instantly as they sucked each other's air. Her tongue was rough and demanding, her nails more frequent over his back. She suddenly viciously pushed him back down against the couch and he feared for a moment it was time to quit but instead her hands grabbed for his tee and he helped her get it off by raising his hands in the air as soon as she had a good grip on his tee. He watched her face meanwhile, her eyes were focused on the task at hand but he saw desire all over her face and couldn't help but smile.

Her lips crashed down on his chest, immediately attacking one of his nipples. He briefly put his head back, closed his eyes as he enjoyed the feeling of her mouth, tongue and teeth playing with him and her hands roaming over his entire chest, every now and then digging down her nails in a most delightful way. He had to look at her though and got up, his hand finding its way into that head of blonde curls while her mouth continued tasting different parts of his chest. His other hand found its way up her skirt again, softly caressing her thigh with his fingertips on the way up and his nails on the way down again.

She soon came up to his mouth again and she climbed a little further up on him, making her sit right on top of the evident bulge in his pants. Her mouth wasn't as eager this time, her tongue and lips mostly playing on the outside of his mouth. Their eyes connected, they were still a little too close to clearly be able to focus on each other but he could clearly see her red cheeks and, even though it was slightly less evident, he still saw desire across her face.

"I don't want to be _just_ a tease," she whispered and he wasn't sure if it was her steaming hot breath or her words that sent shivers through his entire body. The hand that had been in her hair came forward and cupped her cheek. He caressed her cheek fondly while their mouths kept having small tastes of each other.

He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want that either. _God he didn't want that_. Right now his entire body screamed for her, _why couldn't he let her know that?_ But she surely most know already. She must be able to feel just how much his body wanted her right now. He knew she knew, really knew, once her fingers started to slowly feel their down between them. He held her eyes, their mouths just resting next to each other and it felt as both of them held their breaths with anticipation of what would come next.

She made the passage over him with her fingers and then he felt her palm press down against him. He had to take a breath as she slowly stroked down his member. It was a long, stumbling breath that along with his intense eyes gave away just how much he longed for her. Once her hand folded around him though he could tell her face lost some of that courage she seemed to have scrambled up from somewhere. She kept stroking him but her touch felt insecure and it reminded him of someone doing something for the first time. He felt her lip shiver and knew he had to do something, he couldn't let her force herself through this.

He grabbed her wrist gently, tried to pull her hand back up but then her face got stubborn and she made a slight objective whine. He let his lips brush up against hers though, to silence her but also cause he felt like kissing her again.

"Let me…" he whispered. Her face got a little puzzled but her hand lost fight and he was able to bring it up to his chest.  
>"Let <em>me<em> touch _you_," he explained, stroking the back of her hand where it now rested on his chest. She swallowed hard. He caught her lips again, this time a little harder and gave her a proper kiss. Once he opened his eyes again hers were still open, gazing tentative at him.

"Will you let me touch you?" he asked needing her consent. He had a hard time reading her face, she looked reluctant but still willing somehow. And then she nodded carefully. He raised his eyebrow slightly, his entire face asking for further approval and she started nodding a little more assertive. He tried to contain his smile and to do so kissed her again. Her body had become a little stiff so his plan was to lure her a little. He intensified the kiss quickly, making her heart and breath pick up speed again. He engaged her tongue in a little hide-and-seek. Her hands were around his neck again, his hands by her midsection. He let one hand sneak up between them and he caressed one of her breasts. Gently at first but he soon got a little rougher, squeezing it a little harder and playing with her nipple that quickly had tensed up again.

He made a little pause in the kissing as his hand slowly made its way down between them. He didn't want to spring anything on her but as soon as he knew she was aware of where he was going he started kissing her again hoping to distract her a little from the momentous threshold they were about to pass.

For two years anything below her waist had been off limits, any slight attempt to pass or just a hint of pressure between her legs and she'd gone to that dark and paralyzing place. He knew there was still a risk he would push her there but something felt different, something made her feel ready and he knew that if he could just bring her pleasure once it might open up this massive knot she seemed to be carrying.

He gave the decision whether or not to start outside or go straight inside her panties just a second's thought and then carefully but decidedly let his fingers run down the inside of the fabric. He let his other hand rest on her lower back and he held her mouth with his as he let all of his fingers run over her. He kept them flat against her, just let his hand go back and forth a few times giving some pressure to her entire core. He could feel she was wet, he felt happy she was wet and started kissing her again.

He could tell by the lack of participation in her lips that her focus was elsewhere, somewhere further south but she let him play with her mouth as well. His hand made another motion in between her legs and this time he let a single finger slide through her folds. He caught the slight gasp with his mouth and latched on to her lips as he made a second visit between her folds. Her lips shivered slightly but when his mouth got hesitant she caught it herself and her tongue came out to get his going again.

He started moving his hand faster between her legs, stayed between her folds the entire time now. _God she was wet_. He stayed outside her though, just teased slightly whenever he passed her opening, and kept focus on her clit.

She'd wrapped her arms tighter around his neck now, pressing herself even further up against him and moving her hip slightly against his hand. He could feel her reaction to his touch, her clit getting more swollen with every stroke. He felt a desire to go down on her, wanted to taste her but he knew it was too early to push for more so he just kept the motion going.

She just kept her mouth mostly open as she needed to breathe but every now and then she engage in something his tongue or teeth did. He felt as though they'd reached a bit of a ledge, she was still panting, enjoying, desiring, but she'd stopped climbing so he dared to move over to her opening. He circled it, dipped part of his finger inside, took a few turns on her clit and then went back. He used a single finger, let it half way in, pulled it out and then started over again. He added a second finger after a while, let her adjust and then worked those two fingers in and out.

When he was sure she was still enjoying his actions he started curling his fingers whenever he was inside of her. He could feel a slight pickup in her breathing again, her hip started moving against his hand again and he started to see a finish line. Not that he was in any hurry but he wanted nothing else but to bring her over that edge.

He realized he was almost bursting out of his pants as well and he couldn't help but smile as he figured he might just come out of making her come. That would be a first for him if that happened and it got him even more excited. He increased speed, used his free hand to push her down on him so he could put pressure on her clit with every entry.

They were both covered with a coat of sweat now, her hands slipping a little around his neck as she tried to come even closer to him. He put his face by her neck needing to breathe. He loved her scent, her warmth, the way she felt. The most delightful tiny sounds escaped her throat with every gasp she made and they'd increased and deepen now. He felt she wasn't far off and all she needed was to let herself go. His mouth searched its way up her neck, got behind her ear and he used his tongue in that spot he knew she liked.

He felt her tense up and he thought she might be at the brink but instead he felt her pull away slightly.

"No, no," he whispered holding on to her. Her hands came down to his chest, both holding on to him but at the same time pushing him away. He tried to catch her mouth but she turned her head away slightly. He thought she was rejecting him but then he realized her eyes were searching for something behind her back and that's when he spotted the lit up screen on her phone. It buzzed like it did when she'd received a text.

"It's okay," he whispered thinking she'd just got disturbed and they could get back to what they were trying to achieve here. He'd kept his hand on her the entire time but lost some speed so he picked it up again. She let out a whimper though that made it sound like she was in pain.

"Just stay with me," he whispered trying to get to her mouth again.  
>"We're so close," he whispered as he started kissing her again. But she was pulling away and then her phone buzzed again.<p>

"For f…" he complained, angry on whomever it was texting and pulling her focus away from him. He made one last attempt to keep her there but he knew the moment was lost and he let her step off him. She pulled her skirt down quickly, arranging her panties through it and then reached for her phone on the table. He reached for his tee, used it to wipe his hand on as he watched her.

"Who's texting you?" he asked when he saw her frown. Her eyes came up a little but never all the way up to meet his and then she just shook her head a little as her eyes went back to the screen. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Her lips were swollen, cheeks flustered, hair a little messed up. She looked like she just had sex but yet… he felt frustration flare inside him again.

"C'mon, who's texting you," he said getting up out of the couch still holding on to his tee. He knew he sounded angry, he _was_ angry and he couldn't hide it. They'd been so close and he felt both embarrassed and frustrated about the hard-on he still sported and that he didn't think would go away until he did something about it.

"It's no…" her words faded out quickly. She kept looking at her screen as she pulled her blouse back in place suddenly feeling very exposed.

"Amanda you have to talk to me," he said taking an aggressive step closer to her but stopped immediately as she shied away. He took a deep breath realizing he had to calm down. He'd been so focused on his own goal and his frustration about not being able to help her get there he'd missed how devastated she looked right now. That nervous twitch in her shoulder was back, she was gnawing on her lip and her nails were digging in to the wrist that was still holding on to her phone.

"What's going on Amanda?" he asked making sure his voice was calm, at least as calm as he was able to take it down to right now.  
>"Nothing," she said, a bit of annoyance on her voice and she avoided looking at him.<p>

"Okay, so come back to the couch then…" he suggested. She threw him a foul glance.  
>"What? You said nothing is wrong so let's continue what we were doing then," he said gesturing to where they'd just been sitting. She kept that frown upon her face, glaring at him.<p>

"You said you didn't want to be a tease, so don't be one," he said and regretted it the moment it came out. Her frown turned to devastation and it made him feel even worse.

"Amanda," he said trying to get to her but she threw down her phone on the table and hurried out of there, taking off down the corridor. He sighed loudly as he scolded himself silently. _Why did he have to be so thoughtless?_ He tried rearranging himself in his boxers but it hurt just coming close and he sighed again. _Why couldn't anything be easy for them? Easy in the way it had been before. The way they hung out, the way they just casually had sex when one of them felt that urge and then were able to just hang out again. Why couldn't it be easy like that?_

He caught the light from the screen of her phone and reached down to fetch it. He'd tried to get in to her phone before but since the NYPD demanded every phone had locks and because Amanda was smart enough to have a code that didn't match her birthday or any of the numbers on her badge, which was his code, he'd never managed to breach her phone. Now that he had the chance he wasn't going to miss it.

He found her texts, caught sight of a long list sent from 'unknown number'. She'd just recently received two texts and he clicked the first of the two. He started reading but had to start over as he couldn't grasp what he was reading, his mind went completely blank. When he started again his blood quickly froze and he let out a chocked gasp once he'd finished the first text.

"_But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness._" ( **1 John 1:7-9**)

He opened up the most recent text and it didn't calm him in any way, quite the opposite. He got really scared.

"_Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord Amanda. Confess your sins. Bleed for the Lord and all shall be forgiven. Be the angel the Lord wants you to be Amanda. You shall be forgiven only then._"

He went through another couple of texts and then made his way down the corridor.

"Amanda?" he called out taking a quick look inside her room. She wasn't in there and he heard that the shower had been turned on down the hall so he continued down.

"Amanda," he said loudly even before he'd reached the door, he wanted her to know he was coming. He pounded on the door.

"Amanda," he said with a harsh voice.  
>"Leave me alone," he heard from inside. He didn't care and opened up the door.<p>

"What the…" she said spinning around. The bathroom was already filled with steam from the hot rays she'd turned on. She grabbed for her blouse that was on the floor and held it against her chest.

"What is this?" he said holding up the phone with one of the texts on the screen.  
>"You had no right…" she whispered looking at the phone with a bewildered look upon her face.<p>

"Amanda, he's texting you. Mayhem is texting you," Fin said still shocked. Amanda shook her head though.  
>"It's not him," she said. Fin just looked at her with eyes that told her she had to explain.<p>

"Don't you think I've checked, he's still locked up, he's not allowed visitors. It can't be him," she said with a voice that sounded like she could start crying at any second now.  
>"But it's his signature right? This is what he used on you down there," Fin said. Amanda bit her lip. Fin had another look at the screen. Things were happening a little too fast for him right now.<p>

"How long?" he asked. She shook her head not getting what he meant.  
>"How long have you been getting these texts?"<p>

"Like…" she started but her throat closed.  
>"How long Amanda," Fin said back to being angry again. Not at her, well maybe a little at her but mostly at the fact her ordeal didn't seem to be over.<br>"A week, two… three, I got the first text three weeks ago," she confessed after some hassle.

"Three w… Fuck Amanda," Fin said turning his back at her briefly.  
>"I'm sorry," she said as tears started falling down her face.<p>

"Why didn't you tell me," he complained still with his back at her.  
>"I'm sorry," she repeated and now he heard the tears on her voice and it made him turn back around. She was covered in fog from the shower now and she wiped her face with one hand. Either the fog or her tears made her makeup smear and her lower lip was trembling.<p>

"I'm so sorry," she said as her face crumbled. He took one quick step over to her and brought her in to his arms.

"It's okay," he whispered holding her tight. She let go of the blouse and he felt her hands latch on to him, clutching at his bare skin. She tried disappearing in to his warm hug. All she wanted was to disappear.

"It's okay," he repeated, his mouth tucked in to her blonde locks and his arms wrapped tightly around her, "He's not going to get away with this. He's not going to get you Amanda. You're safe. I got you. You're safe."


	3. Chapter 3: Counterattack

**Sorry for slacking with the update, it's the Stockholm Filmfestival - my fave time of the year - and it's been keeping me occupied. Sorry.**  
><strong>Okay this chapter is rather PG. &amp; rather slow-moving. My knowledge of psychology and mental care is limited so there might be factual errors in this chapter. I've tried to do my research but it's bound to have some faults in there, I hope it doesn't take away too much from the story.<br>Thank you so very much for the reviews! Happy reading!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: Counterattack<strong>

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><p><em>Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.<em>_ (_**Proverbs 28:13)**

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><p>Fin made a rumbling noise as she headed towards her desk and not straight in to Liv's office which they'd decided last night.<p>

"Can you just let me hang my jacket," she hissed shooting him a deadly stare over her shoulder. Fin sighed, didn't let his discontent be hidden but then went over to hang his jacket on his chair as well. He could tell she was stalling, found something in her pocket that she apparently needed to put down on her desk and then she couldn't just fling her jacket on her chair like any other day but had to make sure the sleeves hung down.

He gave her a less than amused look once she finally looked back up at him and then he had to make a sweeping gesture to get her moving. She took a deep breath, looked very unwilling but then finally moved towards Liv's office.

They've had a long night. Not much sleep for either of them. After he'd found out about the threatening texts she'd started receiving three weeks ago he'd first held her for a long time. She'd been crying, scared now that the truth was out and it stared her straight on. He'd felt like crying too, he couldn't help but feel they'd been so close to something, something that wasn't just nightmares and wounds that needed healing but something… great and something sweet and rewarding that he couldn't help but feel that they both deserved. And then shit had to hit the fan like some ominous power felt the need to constantly tear at them. At her.

Once he'd been able to think straight again he'd focused all on her. Her wellbeing was most important to him. So then he'd gotten angry again. _Why had she hid this from him? Why hadn't she shown him the texts? Why had she stayed silent and in torment for three fucking weeks? _

Through tears, and only in her skirt and bra, she'd told him she thought it was just a prank at first. That someone was just pulling her leg, at least that's what she'd wanted to think cause the alternative… she just couldn't deal with that right now. She just couldn't deal. It was too much.

And he realized shouting at her wasn't what she needed right now and he'd wanted to hug her again but now her, and his, since he was still not wearing a shirt, semi-nakedness seemed uncomfortable for her and to his frustration she'd pulled away. After she had a shower and draped a few layers of clothes back on he'd gotten her to sit down again. Now with cups of steaming hot tea in front of them.

He'd learnt she'd called Simon's psych ward – Broadmare psychiatric hospital – and according to them he wasn't allowed any contact with the outside world which meant no internet or phone privileges so Amanda couldn't imagine how he could be behind these texts. Fin was of the belief that if there was an evil will it would find a way so he wasn't ready to count Simon out just yet.

He also learnt she'd tried tracking the numbers but they all seemed to go to throwaway phones, disposable ones used just for that one or two texts. He could tell how much this troubled her even though she tried to not make it sound like such a big deal.

He tried to come up with other potential suspects but every new question he asked seemed to make the weight on her shoulders even heavier. No, she'd received no threats other than the texts. No, she couldn't remember anyone getting angry at her out of the ordinary. No, no recent cases were similar to the Mayhem case. And no, she didn't think Mayhem had an accomplice.

Long after the steam of their tea was gone, once their cups had been empty for a while they made their way down the hallway to his bedroom. No one had said anything for a while and no one said anything as they made the strenuous walk down the hall. Her entire body felt like deadweight, every step as though her ankles were tied to anchors and the scars in her hands making themselves felt as though they were sending a foreboding warning. His head felt heavy too as it was filled with memories on how she'd looked as they brought her up from that bunker and he now feared equal harm could come to her.

Both lay down heavily on each side of the bed, both too tired to bother to pull the cover or to shed any clothes. She'd laid down on her back while he immediately rolled over her way in a need to keep his eyes on her. It didn't take long until she rolled over on her side too and he watched her tuck her hands in underneath her cheek. She usually slept on her side, usually curled up in the fetal position.

He knew cause he'd watched her many nights, passed her room with concern and a need to make sure she was okay. The door was always open at night, he was thankful it was but then sadden because he figured he knew the reason why. He'd never asked but knew locked doors freaked her out. He'd seen many times how her eyes had gone to a door closing, that tiny sound as the spring fell in to the socket and the moment of despair on her face as she feared getting locked inside. It didn't matter that he was in there with her, for a second she was locked in her own painful memory and it sadden him momentously.

Even though she was facing him she managed to keep her eyes hidden from his. She looked tired to him but he figured it would take a long while before she found peace enough to let herself drift there.

"Are you scared?" he asked, his voice as grave as such a question deserved. Her eyelashes flickered and then she exposed her blues to him. She didn't have to answer, her eyes told him the answer.  
>"We're going to get to the bottom with this," he said, "whoever it is we're going to catch him and we're going to make him pay."<p>

She hid her eyes from him again. He kept watching her, listened to her breathing.

"We're telling Liv tomorrow," he said and again her eyes met his. This time she looked more startled than scared.  
>"We're telling Liv tomorrow," he repeated as he could feel an objection in the air between them.<p>

"She won't understand," she whispered as her eyes disappeared again.  
>"She will Amanda, she's on your side too. She'll be just as alarmed as me but she'll understand."<br>"She won't like that I didn't tell her immediately."  
>"Either did I but you don't see me kicking you out," he said and smiled as he saw the tiny twitch at the corner of her mouth.<br>"You almost did," she whispered, that tiny smile still lingering. She was right, he'd been really angry. With him worry often came out as fury.

"Wouldn't have blamed you," she added as the smile disappeared. He couldn't stand the void between them and extended his hand on the bed. He left it palm up in front of her though, giving her the option to take it or not. She watched his hand for a while, took in every inch of that strong and masculine hand that had caught her so often when she needed it the most. _How could she deny him?_ She pulled one of her hands out from underneath her cheek and granted him her touch. He wasted no time wrapping his fingers around her small hand and he held it tight.

"We'll walk in to her office first thing tomorrow morning and we'll sort this out," he whispered. Nothing more was said about it after that. He soon managed to wheel her in, wrapped his strong arms around her and entwined his legs with hers. It took a while but then he felt her start to relax. It would take much longer for her to actually fall asleep though. She kept jolting back from sleep, like something terrifying waited for her just as she managed to get there. Each time he stroke her back gently, reassured her she was safe.

She got frustrated after the fifth time, he felt her start to pull away but he told her to stay. She spun around in his arms, let him pull her back in to his chest and tried to relax back down. It kept happening but he could feel fatigue taking her over and knew she would soon manage to stay on the other side. He just hoped whatever monster was in her dream wouldn't be there then.

Once she was sound asleep his mind started wandering again. _How did Simon do this? Why? Why after two years start up again? Could it really be someone else? And if so, was this person working with Simon or was he just a loose cannon? Could it be just a prank? _Amanda's name had never been released to the media so it must be someone involved with the investigation then. He sighed as he played with a strand of her blonde hair on the pillow next to him.

They'd been so close. They'd been at the verge of something normal, something they hadn't been close to since Kim died. He knew it was naïve to blame Kim but he often wished she would've just stayed away. Had she never died, managed to cross path with Simon, Amanda would've never gotten herself in such a predicament. Things could've gone on like normal. Amanda crushed by Kim's stunt last time she was in town but Amanda would've been left not shattered, not this broken and held together by frail, temporary band-aids.

Now he feared things could unravel again. Two years of healing down the drain. _But Liv would know what to do. Surely she would know what to do_. He had to believe that and it was what finally made him able to fall asleep.

He would be awoken a few hours later, Amanda fighting for her life in her sleep. He caught a fist to the side of his head before he was able to gather her wrists up. He managed to pull her somewhat awake and she fell right back asleep once he held her. He wasn't sure he even managed to fall asleep before another nightmare haunted her. It continued like that throughout the night and early morning.

Exhaustion made them sleep longer than usual and both were in a pissy mood as they got ready to head in to the station. He was determined to talk to Liv while she'd started to waver on it being a good idea. But this was one matter he wouldn't give up on. She was usually more stubborn but he would not let her get out of this and here they were, at the station and ready to walk in to Liv's office.

**She didn't look angry **any longer though, more scared and he gave her a reassuring head nod. Nick had been watching them from his desk meanwhile. They'd walked passed him without saying good morning, something that rarely happened. Then Fin had stared his partner down as she did something as unusual as wipe her jacket down on her chair. It was obvious to Nick she was stalling but as to what he had no idea.

"Let's go," Fin said when she didn't move.  
>"She looks busy…" Amanda tried. Fin shot Liv a look, she was reading something at her desk but her door was opened and she would surely put her papers down if they walked in asking for a minute.<br>"Nice try," he said turning back to Amanda, "let's go."

Amanda took a deep breathe, the air got caught on the way up again. He could tell she was nervous and gave her a moment to collect herself. When she finally moved towards Liv's office he was just a step behind her. She stopped right outside the door, wiped her sweaty palms on the side of her legs as she took another deep breath. She gave Fin one final look before she stepped inside tapping the glass door a little to get Liv's attention.

"You have a minute?" she asked, her voice barely functioning.  
>"Sure," Liv said, immediately letting go of her papers just as Fin had predicted. She'd been wearing a smile but it dropped a little as she saw Fin walk in after Amanda and closing the door behind them. Amanda walking in raking her hands together, taking a stand a couple of steps too far away from her desk also told her something was wrong.<p>

"You okay?" she asked but then let her eyes go from Amanda over to Fin as Amanda kept her head down. Fin looked at Liv with that blank and collected look that usually meant trouble. He turned his eyes back over at Amanda and Liv did the same.  
>"What's going on?" Liv asked and couldn't hide the slight apprehension from her voice now.<p>

Amanda peeked sideways Fin's way. He raised his eyebrows at her that way he did when he tried to urge someone or something on. When her face just crumbled though he couldn't hide his frustration and growled slightly.

"Show her," he said. Liv looked back at Amanda. Amanda swallowed and then got her phone up from her back pocket where she would've hoped it could stay. She dragged her finger across the screen a few times and then took a step closer to Liv so she could reach over her desk and hand her the phone. Liv looked trouble as she checked Amanda's screen. She saw a long road of messages with 'unknown' listed as the sender. She looked up at Amanda to make sure it was okay for her to check any of the messages.

"Just… open anyone of 'em," Amanda mumbled tucking her hands down her back pockets to stop from fidgeting.

Liv chose one randomly and read it silently; _Those that deal in death, shall taste its fruit. Romans 13:4._

Liv didn't let her eyes stray from the screen as she went back to look at another message. She read another long bible quote that sounded just as ominous as the first one.

She shot Amanda a quick look before she read another one, Amanda's eyes shied down as soon as she met Liv's. She read the next one out loud;

"Be warned. Those that commit heinous crimes will receive their just desserts. Your time is coming Amanda."

Liv's voice shivered at the end of the sentence and she looked up.

"Are they all like this?" she asked. Amanda's gesture was a little wishy-washy but Fin then answered a decisive yes. Liv checked a fourth one and found another threatening text aimed directly at Amanda.

"And all from unknown sender?" she asked and looked straight at Fin since he'd been giving the most direct answers so far.  
>"Yes," Fin said firmly, "But she doesn't think it's him. She's checked with the psych ward, he's not allowed any contact with the outside world."<p>

Liv took a deep breath as she scrolled down to the very first one. She realized they went more than a week back.

"When was the first one?" she asked looking at Amanda.  
>"Three weeks ago," Fin answered when Amanda didn't. Liv gave him a stunned face. He just made a face and a gesture that told her he agreed with her reaction.<p>

"Is this all of them?" Liv asked but got the answer from Amanda's bashful face.  
>"You've deleted some?" Liv asked trying to bite down a flare of anger and Amanda nodded. Liv tried to keep her disappointment from her face.<p>

"Okay, let's get your phone to TARU, see if they can get anything," Liv said and got no objections.  
>"You stay close to her meanwhile," Liv said and Fin nodded.<br>"And I think we should call the operation off for Monday…" Liv started but now Amanda started objecting.

"If this is someone else Amanda he could be having eyes on you," Liv said but Amanda shook her head.  
>"No one's following me," she started.<br>"So that's why you're not running outside any longer?" Fin said questioning her answer. Amanda gave him a quick, disgruntled look that quickly eased though.  
>"I've just been cautious okay," Amanda whispered.<br>"Not cautious enough to tell your partner," Fin said not able to pipe down.  
>"Okay, let's just focus on getting to the bottom of this now," Liv said sensing the raw animosity. She figured Fin had only just found out too.<p>

"Are you okay to work?" Liv asked turning to Amanda.  
>"Of course," Amanda said, the answer more confident than her posture.<br>"Good. I'm going to make some phone calls okay? See what I can find out about…" Liv left the name unsaid as she saw Amanda having to prepare herself to hear his name.

"Fin can you get this down to TARU? Tell them it's urgent," Liv said handing over Amanda's phone to him.  
>"Sure thing Serge," he said, "but what else can we do meanwhile?"<br>"We need to give TARU a chance to trace the texts. I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything," Liv said ending the sentence with her eyes on Amanda.  
>"We'll talk again later today even if we don't have anything, decide how to deal with this then okay?" Liv said and Amanda gave her a quick nod before she turned, wanted to get out of there.<p>

"Amanda," Liv said calling for her attention before she could reach the door. Amanda turned back, shoulders half way to her ears as though she was expecting a scolding.  
>"Thank you for coming with this to me," Liv said softly, "We will sort it out."<p>

Amanda looked a bit stunned but then her eyes flickered towards Fin and she felt a bit ashamed cause she knew she'd kept it a secret for too long. She nodded bashfully and then headed outside. Fin walked straight out and towards the gate.

Nick jumped up as he passed his desk and put a hand up to get Fin to stop.

"What's going on?" he asked, curiosity killing him. Fin just gave him a look and then took a step to the side to get passed him. Nick looked after him, gave his back a glare but then he spun around. Nick had seen Amanda's head hang down as she left Liv's office and now as she'd sat down at her desk her head seemed to hang down even more. He didn't understand what was going on. They hadn't been able to catch the perp last night but the operation had gone smoothly, Amanda done her part extremely well so that couldn't be the problem he figured.

Nick sat down by his desk again not brave enough to direct the question directly at Amanda and walking in to ask Liv would surely look as he was being too nosy. He tried to keep the curios looks he shot Amanda's way undetected. She'd turned her computer on but seemed a little shattered and it didn't take long before she stood up and made her way down to the bathrooms.

Amanda needed to splash some water on her face and she felt a little better once she did. She tried to avoid her own reflection in the mirror though, not brave enough to face her own cowardice. She'd been afraid to face those texts, tried to act as they didn't exist like so many other things in her life. But then every time her phone made a sound it was as though thousand needles prickled her skin, like a razorblade cut from the inside and she felt as though she deserved that. Like it was a punishment for all her indiscretions. _Maybe judgment day was coming_.

She scooped up some more of the running water and splashed it on her face. She was about to reach for a paper towel when a knock on the door made her jump.

"Rollins?" Was heard from the other side and she recognized Nick's voice.  
>"Yeah?" she said trying to sound calmer than she was.<br>"I don't mean to… It's just we need to re-interview the victim from last week and I figured since you've got a report with her maybe you could come with me…" Nick sounded hesitant on the other side of the door.

"Yeah sure, just give me a sec?" she asked grabbing for that paper towel.  
>"Sure, take your time," he said and she thought he'd left so when he spoke a couple of beats later she jumped again.<br>"I'll be waiting outside then."  
>"Okay," she answered with the breath in her throat. <em>Get a grip Amanda<em>.

* * *

><p><em>Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices.<em> (**Psalm 37:7**)

* * *

><p>When Amanda came back in to the station it was passed lunchtime. Fin gave her a deadly stare as he was still pissed she'd left the station without him. He'd called her the minute he came back up from TARU only to get the news she'd headed out with Nick to interview a victim. He'd scolded her in a not so subtle way and she'd finally just hung up on him.<p>

"Liv wants to see us in her office," he said through clinched teeth as she walked in with Nick. Amanda kept walking straight in to Liv's office and Fin walked in after her while Nick watched them.

"Something's going on right?" Keith said. He'd been around when Amanda and Fin first walked in and he'd caught both Fin's reaction when he learnt Amanda had head out and part of his harsh language as he called his partner up.

"Yeah," Nick muttered, "but God knows what it is." He sat down at his desk with a heavy sigh. He hated being let on the outside.

**Liv asked them** to sit down and then let them know TARU was still working on her phone. They had 19 different numbers for 36 text messages, not one of those numbers went to registered users. Fin sighed but Liv told him TARU wasn't giving up, there were still ways to get information that may lead to whoever was sending the texts.

Liv had talked to the chief of staff on Simon's institution. Just as Amanda, Liv had learnt Simon wasn't allowed visitors, the only people he came in contact with were the staff. Liv had been promised a list of the employees but still not received it. Once she did though she would go through it with a fine-tooth comb.

Fin was frustrated that they had what he felt was nothing and wanted to know what they would do next. Liv suggested Amanda sat down to try and write a list over potential suspects.

"Amanda?" Liv said softly as Amanda had been sitting quietly the whole time and seemed to have drifted off somewhere else during the last minute.  
>"Huh?" Amanda said once she came back.<br>"Do you think you can construct a list over potential suspects?" Liv asked.  
>"I don't see… it must be someone who knows the Mayhem case well," Amanda breathed.<br>"A cop?" Liv said but Amanda shrugged.

"You don't think Simon's behind it?" Liv asked sensing Amanda was leaning another way.  
>"I don't know but… the texts are sent to <em>Amanda<em>," she said, "I just feel he would… he would call me Shay."  
>"Cause you said you'd chose to be Shay instead of Amanda if you had the choice," Liv said remembering back to the interrogation between Amanda and Simon. Amanda gave her a careful nod.<br>"But if Simon is instructing someone that someone might get the name wrong right?" Fin tried. Amanda just gave him an empty look.

"If you don't mind," Liv said calling for Amanda's attention again, "I'd like to ask Nick to have a look at the texts? Just cause he's got experience with the Bible, maybe he can see something we can't?"  
>"Would that be okay Amanda?" Liv had to ask as Amanda just sat there with a blank look on her face. Amanda nodded half-heartedly.<p>

"And just make sure someone's with you whenever you go out, as a precaution," Liv used 'someone' this time and not Fin specifically since Fin had blew off steam to her earlier about Amanda leaving the station without him. She didn't want to add to any tension between the two partners.

"I'll let you know the minute I get that staff list, we can start going through their records," Liv said after Amanda. She'd already moved towards the door. Fin had gotten up on his feet but stayed to shoot Liv a glare.

"We'll sort this out Fin," she said once Amanda had left the room, "can you ask Nick to step in here?"

Fin didn't try to hide his frustration, giving her a nod but accompanied with some disgruntled noises as he headed outside.

**When it was 2 pm** and Liv still hadn't received that staff list from Broadmare Liv called them up again. This time she wasn't as polite and used her commanding voice threatening with getting a warrant if they didn't send it over asap. That seemed to do the trick and soon she had the long list of the entire staff of Broadmare in her hands. They were a high-security psychiatric hospital which could house up to 220 patients. And that meant a lot of staff.

Fin, Amanda and Keith were out digging for clues in the bar hopping rapes so Liv used Nick again. He'd been concerned but pleased to get involved with what was going on with Amanda and the texts. Liv knew he liked to be involved in everything concerning the squad and he was more than willing to help out.

He hadn't been able to read much more out of the texts than the others. Remorse, confession and/or retribution seemed to be a theme in every bible quote sent. The quotes were taking from all over the Bible and to Nick it did sound a lot like Simon's rambling mind.

Now they divided the staff list in two and took one half each to see what they could get in their records. The chief of staff had told Liv they did an extensive background check before they hired anyone but Liv knew she sat on the most powerful tool in making sure of this.

Once they were done they had 12 staff members with criminal records, 2 that came up in sealed juvie records and another 7 that had been heard by police in various circumstances. Fin and Amanda were back and Liv called them in to her office. To not make Keith feel left out she called him in too and gave him a quick brief about what was going on. Liv wasn't sure how much Keith knew about Amanda's backstory but she told him just enough to at least get a grasp on why they were concerned about these texts that she'd received.

Liv let both Fin and Amanda check the list of names to see if anyone sounded familiar. None did. Since Simon was isolated to a smaller area of the institution he only came in contact with some of the staff and Liv realized they had to single out just who had contact with him and probably interview those people. She suggested a visit.

Amanda, who already looked pale, lost if possible even more color and Liv hurried to add her suggestion was that she headed out there with Nick.

"Are you going to see the bastard?" Fin asked. At first he'd been disappointed to not get the opportunity to face the son of a bitch but he quickly realized he would probably not be able to conduct himself in his presence.  
>"Maybe. First and foremost the people who could act as his link," Liv said.<p>

"Take me as well Serge," Keith said, "Couldn't hurt right? Fresh eyes?"  
>"Maybe, it depends on how high security is, might be a hassle to just get one of us inside," Liv said nodding at him.<p>

"Barba could help," Nick said quickly, "he'll get us in in no time."  
>"Hold on, let me just give them a ring, might not be a problem at all," Liv said putting her hands in the air.<p>

Next she let Nick and Keith know they could head out for a bit. Once they'd stepped out Liv turned to Amanda who looked sickly pale by now.

"Why don't you head home? We have the weekend off, why don't you use that to just catch up on sleep or whatever else you want to do to relax?" Liv suggested trying to not sound overly protective.  
>"I don't want you working overtime because of me…" Amanda said feeling like a burden.<p>

"Don't worry about that. We won't work the entire weekend, visiting Broadmare feels urgent though. If we could put a stop to whoever is doing this it will serve all of us Amanda," Liv said, "We're in this together."

She regretted adding that last part. She saw Amanda frown briefly and Liv knew it had sounded cliché. Of course Amanda didn't feel as she was in this with anyone, she probably felt close to as exposed as down there in that bunker.

"You wanna head home?" Fin asked keeping his voice low. Amanda looked at him, she tried to come up with things she should do instead but her entire inside just screamed for the opportunity to go home and bury herself under a heap of covers in a big, comfy, warm, and hopefully safe, bed so she nodded slightly.

"Okay, we'll do that then, but you'll keep me posted?" Fin said and didn't just settle with Liv nodding.  
>"I will Fin," she reassured catching the stare he gave her.<p>

"What about… my phone?" Amanda asked on her way towards the door.  
>"Well maybe you should leave it with TARU?" Liv suggested.<br>"But what if… I mean what if one of the latest victims call? They all have my number," Amanda said exactly what was on her mind. Liv wasn't sure how to deal with this and looked to Fin for answers but instead Amanda spoke again;

"And if he makes contact again. Maybe he'll change pattern, want me to answer. Wouldn't it be better if I had it then too?"  
>"Okay," Liv said since she was making sense, "but under no circumstances do you engage in conversation with him if Fin isn't around. And tell TARU to put a trace on your phone just in case he calls or if you…" Liv went completely blank. <em>If you go missing? If you go a-wall again?<em> Liv wasn't sure what she'd planned to say but saying nothing ringed just as bad and she caught the timid look that came upon Amanda's face.

"Just stay safe and just check in with me please?" Liv said quickly hoping to rescue a little bit of this already stressful situation they were in.  
>"Will do," Fin said and with that they headed out the door.<p>

The moment Fin and Amanda had turned the corner Nick went right back inside Liv's office. She hadn't reached for the phone yet, still blaming herself for not handling that situation better. _What could she have done to make Amanda feel protected?_ Once Nick entered though she gathered herself and called up the chief of staff at Broadmare again.

It would prove itself a little harder to get in to Broadmare then hoped. Liv had already gotten a rather obnoxious vibe from the chief of staff Robert Rohrbaugh and it didn't improve during their latest conversation. According to Rohrbaugh it was too late to visit their facility now and the medical crew in care of Mr Ferguson's treatment wouldn't be back until earliest Monday. According to Rohrbaugh it was an inconvenience to let strangers enter the premises before Monday.

Liv withheld the urgency though and got Rohrbaugh to agree to meet them tomorrow. He said he would try his best to get Ferguson's attending psychiatrist in but he couldn't swear he would be able to. Many of their residence had other engagements and prestige careers that took up their time. Liv couldn't help but think the psychiatrists should focus on their patients but then again Simon Ferguson could rot away in a hole for all she cared.

Liv had already rolled her eyes at Nick a couple of times so he knew the phone call didn't go the way they hoped.

"Tomorrow at nine," she said with a heavy sigh as she hung up, "Does that work for you? I can bring Winters if…"  
>"No, it's fine. I got nothing better to do with my weekend," he said.<br>"Well then, I guess there's not much more we can do today…" Liv said leaning back in her chair. No one said anything for a while, Nick's mind was racing with a little bit of everything while Liv went back to thinking about Amanda and hoping she'd be able to get some rest this weekend.

"We're talking to… Simon tomorrow as well?" Nick asked.  
>"Yeah, I think we have to," Liv said, "You okay with that?"<br>"Yeah, yeah," Nick said a little too quickly and caught Liv observing him.

"I mean the guy gives me the creeps but we should talk to him. If he has something to do with the texts he'll probably want to brag about it so of course we should talk to him," he said trying to explain himself. Liv shot him a soft smile and nodded. She then pulled a deep breath and heaved herself up to a standing position by planting her palms on her desk.

"Let's call it a day," she said, "we'll have an important day tomorrow."

Liv let Keith know he could head home as well. He asked if he wasn't going to Broadmare with them but Liv used a little white lie and told him doctor Rohrbaugh only allowed two detectives inside the high security ward. She wasn't sure why she wanted to keep Keith away from Simon, maybe she was scared Simon would out Amanda to even more souls. Maybe she just felt as though she wanted to let Amanda keep as much dignity as possible. Either way she didn't think much about lying to Keith and just went home to try and collect herself for the big day tomorrow.

**Nick on the other hand** didn't feel like going home to an empty apartment where he would probably end up thinking about nothing else than Simon, all those victims and the hideous state Amanda had been in when they found her. He thought about calling his mom to see if she wanted to have dinner with him but when Keith suggested they'd catch a beer Nick wasn't late to jump onboard.

Nick fiddled with a flap of the label on his beer bottle as he studied Keith over by the bar. He'd left a couple of minutes ago to just grab them a new set of beers but seemed to have gotten distracted by a blonde over by the bar. Keith constantly chatted up ladies whenever they went out for a beer. It had become a bit of an insider joke, something Nick, Fin and Amanda could chuckle a bit over as Keith got stuck with yet another lady somewhere else in the bar. He would ditch them in a second if he found some tail to catch.

It wasn't surprising ladies were drawn to him though. Keith was good looking, even Nick could admit that. He was a little bit of a social butterfly, a smooth talker Nick guess you could call him. He knew how to dress smart and used both money and time to groom himself. Nick knew since Keith often mentioned he was stopping by the barber and he wasn't shy to talk about going to get a facial. He used to joke about paying to get pampered like some spa pimp. Yes he'd actually called himself a _spa pimp_ at one time.

Nick chuckled a little to himself as he saw Keith put that hand on the blonde's shoulder. Nick bet ten dollars that hand would drop to her lower back within a minute and he looked around a little proud when it did. If only Fin or Amanda were there he could've earned some real bucks, but then again they would've probably not bet against him. Keith made that move often.

Even though he chatted up ladies all the time Nick had rarely seen Keith leave with any of them. Like maybe just once out of twenty times. Nick didn't really get why seeing how Keith was good looking and all. Amanda had been the one that gave him the insight a while back. "_He's a little too desperate"_. It had made perfect sense. Keith was a little bit desperate for company.

He often talked about his ex. The ex-wife that had cheated on him with a fellow cop. The cop he'd beaten up and because of that been forced to transfer out. Nick didn't blame him for punching that guy though, it was totally understandable to him. It was understandable Keith held a grudge to his ex too but it was getting a little tiresome to listen to him go on and on about what a cheating slut she was. It was obvious he was not yet over either his ex or the cheating.

And even though Keith said he just wanted to hook up Nick was pretty sure Keith was looking for that one person he could spend the rest of his life with. That one person that he'd thought his wife was but that had burnt him badly. Nick could relate. His own wife hadn't really cheated but he'd still been burnt during the divorce.

He'd been burnt even more by the news earlier this year that his ex was planning to move all the way across the nation and taking his daughter with her. His initial thought had been that it could never happen, that he would never accept it. That's when he'd done the stupidest of stupids and punched a pedophile they couldn't catch. And punching was just a nicer euphemism of beating him unconscious.

Nick hadn't been thinking straight. He'd seen his son and daughter in those photos the pedophile was taking. He'd been frustrated about not being close enough to be able to protect his daughter if she needed to and not getting to be as involved in his son's life as he wanted to be. He'd been angry at his wife and all those child molesters he met in his line of work. He'd snapped and it had landed him in jail.

His squad and lawyer fought to set him free though and he couldn't have been more grateful when he got to walk out a free man. It was only a month or so later that he learnt that Amanda was actually the one he had to thank for the pedophile dropping his charges. He wasn't supposed to know and he didn't think anyone else within the squad knew but Amanda had gone to that pedophiles' wife and used something, and surely along with that Southern sass he'd seen a lot of a couple of years ago, to threaten her with.

Nick usually didn't condone threatening family members of their perps but he would lie if he said he wasn't grateful in this specific case. He was very grateful to Amanda that she'd saved his badge. He'd been demoted to traffic cop for two long months but then got reinstated. He'd never told her he knew so he'd never properly thanked her. He just got a sense she didn't want anyone to know what she'd done so he wouldn't mention it either. For a long time he'd always seen that fragile state she'd been in down in Simon's bunker whenever he looked at her. It was an image he couldn't wash away.

It had been a long, hard process to go through for the entire squad and it had left scars in all of them but of course deepest and the most visible for Amanda. The first couple of weeks after her rescue he'd woken up with her screams echoing inside his mind. Every night he'd heard those screams and even though he'd never heard her scream like that he knew it was her desperate cries for help he heard.

Therapy had helped. Cragen had ordered it for all of them and Nick had accepted it with open arms after weeks of haunted nights. To be able to help Amanda back in to the land of the living had been helpful too. It had also been a bit uncomfortable, after all they had kissed during Amanda's downward spiral and she'd made very suggestive invitations while trying to sell the role she'd adapted. But they had both pushed through that and he thought they'd done a pretty good job of coming out on the other side. Of course it was sad that Amanda was forever changed, marked by that hideous encounter with the serial killer he would now once again face. But he would make darn sure that monster didn't get to steal another minute of her life.

"Did you see that?" Keith said interrupting Nick's thought. Nick took the beer Keith pushed his way and mumbled a thanks.  
>"See what?" he asked, Keith still looking pissed with his eyes somewhere over at the bar.<br>"I thought I was a shoe in and then her boyfriend walks up. Bloody hell," Keith cursed before he put his mouth to his new beer. Nick couldn't help but chuckle slightly, this might just be what he needed before he had to face off with a monster in the morning.

**Fin walked down the hall** in search for her. She'd been mostly silent since they left the station. They'd went down to TARU and gotten her phone back. Fin had made sure they ran a trace on it, he had a gnawing worry that she was going to go missing again and then at least he hoped they could use her phone to trace her with. She'd been clutching that phone the entire ride home, clutched it like it was some lifeline even though he figured she would want to be as far away from it as possible.

She'd shaken her head when he asked her if she was hungry. Then again when he asked her if she wanted to stop by the gym or do something else before they headed home. He'd managed to lure a nod out of her when he asked her if she wanted to go straight home instead. Once there she'd left her phone on the counter in the kitchen and headed straight for the couch. He'd let her know he would take a shower but gotten no response.

Once he was done she'd still just been slacking on the couch, she hadn't even turned the TV on so he did it for her since her eyes were open anyway. He got some more clothes on and then joined her on the couch. He'd let her have most of the couch today though, just lifted her feet up and sat down underneath them. He didn't ask for permission but just removed her socks and started rubbing her feet gently.

There was no sign left of the ugly burns that had once covered her entire soles. He could still see them sometimes though, vivid images of her burns were forever etched into his mind. He remembered very well how raw they'd been, that red skin with black trimmings and with that ugly yellow guck coming out of nasty looking and surely painful blisters. How she'd been able to walk on those feet were still beyond him, he would've been curled up in a fetal position for weeks, maybe months, if that had been his feet.

But she was in every remark a true fighter. He knew even a fighter had to have their setbacks though so he didn't push her right now. He let her be in her own head for a while and just rubbed her feet so he could stay connected with her and let her know he was right there when she was ready. She drifted off to sleep after a while and he just sat there with her feet in his lap, felt her warm skin underneath his palms and let his thumb go over her cute little toes every now and then.

The TV didn't manage to keep his attention either and he rested his eyes for a while but soon his stomach started to make a ruckus and he'd never been able to sleep when he was hungry. He thought about getting up and place an order for some take-out, trying to decide what his stomach wanted to eat. And that's when her phone buzzed over at the counter.

He tensed up immediately, gripping at her ankle as his eyes stared at her phone. His eyes were pulled the other way as she stirred slightly on the couch. Her phone buzzed once more as it usually did when she received text and she started to stir in a way she always did when she was waking up.

"Hey," he whispered stroking her leg, "sleep for a while longer, I'll get us some food."

He could see her eyes move underneath her eyelids, she swallowed but then seemed to drift back to sleep and he felt a little relieved. He tried to get out of the couch as careful as possible which wasn't easy for a big man but he managed to put her feet back down without her waking up again.

He hurried over to the counter and grabbed her phone. TARU had reset the lock to her phone and he just hit number 1 four times and the screen came up. The text was from an unknown number and he cringed as he read it.

"_For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith… not by works._ (**Ephesians 2:8-9**)"  
>He read it again, his lips forming the words as he read it word by word trying to grasp the meaning.<br>"…by grace… saved, trough faith… Ephesians?"

Fin shook his head. He still didn't get it. He'd never gotten the Bible, not really given it a chance but whenever he'd run across something holy it had always sounded like gibberish to him. He got the power of thought and how positive reinforcements could get you through hard times or athletic achievements but throw in God and it all got too hocus pocus for his liking. He needed real people; good coaches, brilliant teachers, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Spike Lee. Dead or alive they could still spread the word but God? That got too abstract for him. Jesus he might buy, but more as a possible mental, and if not mental then definitely a narcissistic man. Mental didn't necessary mean a bad thing, he couldn't come up with one right now but he knew there were brilliant people that had all sorts of psychological problems.

He looked over at Amanda on the couch. She had problems for sure but she was still brilliant. So he knew being a bit schizo sometimes worked in one's favor. To get by in this world you probably needed to be a little bit tilted.

Fin turned the sound off her phone knowing there might be a second text and he didn't want it to wake her up. His stomach needed food right now and he really needed a task so he dug up a delivery service from the drawer in the counter. Chinese would work.

Once the food got there he'd woken her up with a tender rub up and down her arm. She'd hoarsely whispered she wasn't hungry but he'd gotten her to sit with him at the counter and he'd seen her eat at least a few scraps. Her appetite hadn't been helped by the fact she checked her phone and saw the text. There had only been one so far but the night was still young. No one had said anything about the text, she knew he'd seen it already, she could tell he'd turned the sound off.

He lost track of her once he'd emptied two of the three boxes he'd ordered. She'd slipped off her chair and walked off when he had his back to her. He put the leftovers in the fridge for later, hopefully she would eat it but he knew it was a better bet that he would.

He walked down the hall. He couldn't spot her in her room and continued down. The door to the bathroom was opened so he could tell she wasn't in there. He found her on her back on his bed. It looked as though she'd sat down at the edge and then just fallen backwards.

"Hey," he said as he walked in to give her a heads-up.  
>"Hey," she whispered hoarsely back at him. Her eyes were planted on the roof. He took a look if anything was up there but saw nothing out of ordinary and had a seat further down on the bed so he could lean against the footboard.<p>

"Whatcha doing?" he asked.  
>"Nothing," she whispered keeping her eyes on the roof. He watched her for a bit, he didn't mind just looking at her but she'd been so silent ever since they left the station and he thought it was about time she pulled out of her bubble now.<p>

"You want to go to the gym?" he asked but she shook her head slightly.  
>"How about a movie then? I mean at the theater, it's been ages," he tried but again she shook her head.<p>

"Oh c'mon let's do something fun. Get our minds on something else," he said but she just lay completely still.  
>"Amanda c'mon, I need to see you smile," he said, "tell me what I can do to make you smile."<p>

"Hide those smiling faces," she whispered.  
>"What was that?" Fin asked, not sure he'd heard her right.<br>"Nothing," she tried but he really wanted to know what she'd said and called her out on it.

"Hide those smiling faces," she repeated, shooting him a quick and somewhat awkward smile. Fin looked confused.  
>"It was something my dad used to say," she sighed, rolled her eyes slightly that way she used to do as she tried to act as it was no big deal. She shook her head slightly, regretting mentioning it.<p>

"What did he mean by that?" Fin asked.  
>"Just a silly saying," she said trying to get off the topic. She got up on her elbows and crawled back a little on the bed so she could lie down properly.<p>

"C'mon tell me," Fin nagged. Amanda gave him a look as she curled up on her side, it wasn't like him to nag like this.  
>"It's not a <em>fun<em> story Fin," she said rearranging herself a little to find a more comfortable place for her shoulder.  
>"I don't mind, tell me," he said.<p>

"It's not going to make me smile Fin, I thought you wanted to make me smile," she said challenging him a little. He got his foot up on the bed so he could poke her leg. She sighed heavily not feeling like reminiscence about her dad on top of everything but it wasn't like she had anything better to do.

"It was just something he used to say when he dropped us off," she said like it was nothing.  
>"At your mom's?" he asked and she nodded.<br>"You and Kim?" he asked, caught the slight hesitation before she nodded. Her eyes were somewhere in the distance. She could never talk about her sister without getting distant or getting teary eyed.  
>"It's a strange thing to say, what did he mean by it?"<p>

She took a deep breath, her eyes focused back but she avoided looking at him.

"He knew… he knew her well," she said and gave him a brief look.  
>"Your mom?" he asked and she nodded. He watched her swallow and curl up a little more. He moved further up on the bed and lay down next to her but put his head in his hand to not get exactly in her line of sight.<br>"He knew how she hated to see other people happy. And… he was just a person it was easy to be happy around. He pissed me off too but mostly… he could make me smile."

He liked how the corner of her mouth went up as she remembered those times but then her mouth dropped again.

"But he knew… knew what would happen if we walked in smiling so he told us to _hide those smiling faces_. Kim always tried too much and always smiled even though she tried to do the opposite. It was easy for me though. I often told him how I hated him, hated him for leaving, for letting her… hurt me, but still… it was always sad to see him go."

She looked at him and gave him a smile, a smile that never reached her eyes though. He reached out and touched the side of her face, could see tears weren't far off and he wanted her to know she didn't have to pretend in front of him, that it was okay for her to show her vulnerable side and that he wouldn't shy from it.

"Tell me something else," he asked and it earned him another look, "Something about your parents."  
>"Why do you keep asking me about… about my parents," she moaned pushing his hand off her face and then rolled over on her stomach. Her face disappeared beneath a heap of blonde hair.<p>

"I just want to know more about you and what you went through," he said carefully.  
>"It's not like you talk about your parents," she said with her mouth pressed to the bed.<p>

"There's not much to talk about…" he said, "I never knew my dad and all I cause my mother was heartache."  
>"So did I," she said, he could hear her voice cracking even though it was muffled by the bed.<p>

"No," he whispered, reaching out to touch her head of hair.  
>"<em>I<em> was a thug, my mom did nothing wrong but I treated her badly. You were just a kid, did nothing wrong and your mom treated you badly. Your mom was the thug."

Amanda let out a brief chuckle, again muffled by the bed but he heard it and saw her back vibrate slightly. He let his hand move down her back, tracing her spine through her shirt with his fingers.

"I don't want to talk about the thug," she said turning her head towards him. Her face was buried underneath her hair so Fin dug it out and then kept stroking her face even after all lose strands were gone.  
>"Tell me about your dad then," he begged. Her eyes already had a shimmering coat over them and as soon as he mentioned her dad she blinked a few times as her eyes stung.<p>

"What about him," she asked and it wasn't in a snippy way but like she actually needed his help to talk about her own dad.  
>"I know one thing he used to say, did he have any other wise sayings?" he tried watching his words a little.<p>

Amanda took a deep breath and then rolled over on her back with some effort.

"He wasn't that wise," she sighed giving him a look but he didn't look convinced.  
>"He gambled, got himself shot. Believe me, he wasn't that wise," she said with a heavy sigh and turned her eyes back up at the ceiling.<p>

Fin's hand had fallen down by her side when she'd rolled over but he felt a need to touch her and moved his hand to her forehead and let his thumb caress the soft skin between her perfect eyebrows. She closed her eyes under his light touch.

"You found him right?" he asked and could see her face tense up.  
>"His body, you found it right?" he asked again really wanting to know from her lips and not just from the report he'd read years ago.<p>

"Oh m... Fin…" she sighed with her eyes still closed but once they opened up she shoved his hand off her head.  
>"You really know how to make a girl feel better," she said cynically and rolled away from him. She tried sliding off the bed but he was right there and snaked his strong arm around her midsection and easily pulled her back in.<p>

"Fin…" she complained but she hardly made an effort to get loose so he knew her attempts were just for show. He used his free hand to stroke back her hair so he could at least see some of her face. Her back was pressed in to his chest and he felt her heavy breathing.  
>"Tell me how it was finding your dad's body," he asked. He wasn't sure why he pushed this right now. She wasn't wrong, he did chose weird moments to bring the hard stuff up. With everything going on remembering another traumatic event was probably not such a smart idea but on the other hand it might take her mind off the current stress.<p>

"You know what it's like to find a body," she whispered, her breathing had gotten shallower.  
>"Not your own dad's body, and not when you're only fourteen," Fin said and it only dawned on him then that a lot of things had happen in her life when she was fourteen. Her grandmother had died, she'd found her dad dead and then she'd slept with her mom's boyfriend.<p>

They just lied there for a while. As usual she took just as long time for him to start to believe he wouldn't get an answer but then she suddenly spoke, her voice strained and with a tone that made her seem just as frail as she felt talking about this.

"No one had seen him for a while. One of his drinking buddies dropped by, to our new house. Mom wouldn't let him in, said she didn't want to let trash inside this house. But I went out through the back, stopped him on the drive way. He said he hadn't seen him in over two weeks, that he owed some guy money… from gambling. He said he probably just stayed hidden but he was obviously worried. At that time I didn't know where he was staying, he'd been evicted from the last place I knew about. When I went there I helped this young woman carry a box upstairs, I didn't know she was moving in to what I thought was my dad's place. She told me she just moved in, that some loser that got evicted had stunk the place down but that it was all she could afford right now. Anyway, Marv the lush..." her voice stalked up and then she started chuckling out of the blue.

"That's actually what we called him, Marv the lush," she managed to say through laughter but Fin could hear how tears were lingering just below the surface.  
>"I think his name was Marvin but they called him Marv the lush and for a long time I thought it was marvelous, like he'd done something extraordinary but all he did… souse," she was laughing uncontrollable now, making it hard for him to hear her and he started stroking her hair as he pulled her in even closer. She tried shoving his hand away though, still chuckling slightly, but he made it hard for her, close to took a fist full of her hair and held tight just to make it impossible for her to get rid of him. She finally gave up and just relaxed back down on the bed, the tension caused by the laughter ran off her like liquid.<p>

"Marv the lush," she said, the previous mixed amusement gone from her voice, "gave me the name of a bartender he'd been seeing, and told me where she worked. I took my bike there one night. She was pretty, red head… with major boobs. Something very different from what he had before. She said she wasn't seeing him any longer but she still seemed fond of him for some reason. She gave me the address he'd been staying at, said I might find him there. Told me to tell him to stop by some time, that she missed him."

Her voice died out and for what felt like a minute he couldn't even feel her breathe. He let go of the grip he'd still had in her hair and let his fingers massage her scalp a little. He leaned in and kissed the back of her head. She pulled her legs up further, really curled up and he felt her hand grasp his that were anchored around her waist.

"I wanted to go alone, I guess I had a feeling something was wrong but Kim…," her voice stalked up again but she got it back quickly, "Kim wouldn't go home, she nagged until I let her come with. I made her sit outside though. It was this raggedy looking old house, four floors and he was at the top one. The entire house stunk. Urine, beer, sewer, mold, every ghastly odor you could think off. Fourth floor reeked like old… cheese. I found his door, it was the only one with all the numbers still in place. Gold, relief. 4-1-9. I think I ran my fingers over them but that might just be all in my head. I knocked but no one answered. I called out his name. No one answered."

Her voice sounded monotone now, words just rolled out of her and Fin let them. She told him how she'd tried knocking, using her fists even. How she tried the lock and then finally tried using her shoulder against the door to crack it open. The wood had rotted and, even though she was scrawny, she managed to get through.

"He was right there. In the middle of the room. In an arm chair. It was quite obvious he was dead, the veins in his face dark blue, the rest of his face light blue and eyes just staring ahead, at me but passed me. I still said his name out loud. Like some stupid kid, expected him to wake up, to be happy to see me. But he just sat there, staring passed me. I couldn't see any blood, it had dried in to the chair, one with the dark fabric. I could see it when I came closer but I didn't want to see it. There was a gun on the floor next to the chair. A bullet hole at his temple. It looked like a suicide but it wasn't. The police didn't think so either. I knew cause he wouldn't have worn his old shirt and his torn jeans. He would've put on his best outfit, and I knew he had one somewhere cause he always somehow managed to dress up when he went to a casino to gamble. And he would've left a note, he would've written _me_ a note. I think it smelled in there but I didn't really notice it, he'd been dead for days. I touched his hand and it was cold but he was still soft, his skin was soft. Light blue, cold, but soft."

She went quiet for a while, he barely heard her breathe and he didn't think she was crying.

"Then I heard my name. Kim had of course come looking for me and she was down the hall. I didn't want to leave my dad but I knew I had to, I didn't want her to see him like that. So I ran out, made her go downstairs with me. She said it stank in there, that _I_ stank. There was a minimarket at the corner, I asked to borrow a phone. He wouldn't let me so I asked him to call the police for me. He at least did that after a while. I waited outside the house for the police to arrive. There was a kid in a window that kept sticking his tongue out at me. I don't think I knew him. Then I told them my dad was upstairs. Kim got to sit in the police car for a while, she thought it was cool. I gave them my name and then we left. We walked home. I remember mom being angry once we got home, I don't remember why though, she usually didn't bother where we were. I think maybe she'd gotten the news. That dad was... She became angry sometimes when she was sad or upset. She slapped my cheek but I couldn't feel it."

She took a deep breath before she continued.

"I remember Marv the lush crying at his funeral but I can't remember that we cried. Not even Kim. Mom made us leave before he was in the ground, they were throwing beer cans down his grave. His last cheers. I thought it made sense but mom said it was tacky. That the whole thing was tacky just cause we were never inside the church and then she made us leave. I went back later on though. Just a gravestone with his name and a pile of dirt. That's what you have to look forward to."

He'd brushed her hair away from her neck and now placed his face against her skin. She hadn't showered and he loved the smell of her natural scent.

"Did you use to put flowers by his gravestone?" he asked leaning his head on top of hers. He felt her nod as much as she could underneath him. He just knew she went there a lot, he could even picture her taking her bike there and maybe lying down by his grave or leaning against his gravestone. He knew that even though she'd said she hated her dad the love she had for him was greater.

"Your sister is buried next to him right?" he asked. He felt her body tense up and she didn't nod.  
>"Don't you think it's about time you go visit her grave?"<p>

He knew he was taking a gamble, touching on something still very raw to her and she immediately tried to get out of his grip. He held on though, just with the arm around her waist. She grabbed a hold of the bed linen and tried to crawl away from him but it was futile.

"I hate you," she hissed as she gave in and was left panting on the bed next to him.  
>"I know you don't," he said without moving but he was ready for those blows from her fists that could be coming his way at any second. She just kept trying to get away from him though. He knew it was too soon to try anything else even though all he wanted was to cradle her in his arms. She made another attempt to get out of his grip but he just held on until she'd wasted even her reservoir and fell back down on the bed with a muted whimper.<p>

"I hate you," she whispered out of breath. It would take a while before her body completely relaxed but then she would feel bad and whisper a 'I'm sorry' to which he would say it was okay and then finally get to really hold on to her the way he wanted to. They'd been there before. He knew the drill. He was comfortable with it but hoped one day she wouldn't have to drain herself this much before she could finally lean on him. He hoped that one day she wouldn't feel the need to even try to push him away but just trust that it was nothing she could do to make him stop loving her.

* * *

><p>"<em>You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you."<em> (**Psalm 32:7-8**)

* * *

><p><strong>Liv felt tense<strong> already before they drove up to Broadmare psychiatric hospital and getting eyes on the impressive building didn't help one bit. It felt a bit weird to see such a majestic building behind such a rigid fence. Notes on the fence told them it was wired as if someone would want to break in there. _Who would want to break in to a psychiatric hospital?_

She didn't know much about architecture but she could tell it was old and it felt a bit gothic to her. It could've been the cupola towering the otherwise rather flat building. The main building, next to the cupola, couldn't be more than four stories high. She could see at least two wings, both two stories high and with large white windows. The building was red except from one part of one of the wings that looked drowned in a vertical garden that made it forest green. The plants had even invaded the roof but still the white windows peeked out of the green so she figured it was deliberate.

She managed to tear her eyes of the building as they drove closer and she spotted a secondary fence a few yards in. Behind that she could see what looked like a park that could belong to a fancy mansion. Neatly trimmed grass with gravel paths surrounded by low bushes that surely bloomed in the summer. She could see benches, tables but no people. Not a single soul.

They'd reached the guarded gate and a uniform stepped out of a rather large guard house. She could spot another one inside the thick glass. Nick rolled down his window and both of them had automatically reached for their shields.

"NYPD," Nick said as the guard came closer, "Detective Nick Amaro."  
>"Sergeant Olivia Benson," Liv said leaning towards Nick a bit, "here to see doctor Rohrbaugh."<p>

"You can't drive in," the guard said abrupt, no smiley greeting in sight.  
>"Okay, do we…" Nick looked around feeling a bit stupid for not noticing the parking lot behind them. It had been empty though so how could he have, he told himself though.<br>"Yeah, pick any spot and then come back up here," the guard said and walked away back to the smaller building by the gate.

"I guess there's a personnel parking or are the inmates alone in there?" Nick grunted as he backed up.  
>"Who knows?" Liv whispered looking up at the building again. She wasn't sure if it was the building or the fact Simon was in there that made her skin crawl right now, maybe a little bit of both.<p>

They made it through security which included more grumpy faces and a quick pat down that involved them having to leave their weapons in the guard house. They had to actually talk the guard in to letting Nick keep his pen. Liv figured they should be happy they had tight security though but it would've been easier if the guards, especially the one that had first approached them, weren't such grouchy sourpuss'.

A woman with a cardigan over a white nurse outfit came to get them and then took them up to the main building. She didn't say much. Liv tried to engage her in conversation but she stuck to nodding or shaking her head at Liv's questions. When they finally walked inside the impressive building with just as impressing front doors and Liv made a comment it was so quiet the nurse finally spoke.

"We're preparing for visiting hours, that means quiet time after breakfast."

Liv gave Nick a quick look, he raised his eyebrows slightly but then quickly went back to normal in case the nurse would turn around. She wouldn't though, instead she posted herself facing a grand stair and locked her hands behind her back only adding to the somewhat military stance. Liv was just about to say something when she felt the presence more than heard it. Coming down the stair, which was padded with a heavy, red carpet that made the stair look even more regal, was a tiny built man. Even with his short stature though he seemed important. It might have been the grey, perfectly tailored suit, or the trimmed grey mustache, or even the tiny round glasses on that spiky nose of his, something made him look wise and cultivated and therefor important. He seemed to know he was regarded that way though and that really rubbed Liv the wrong way. She took a deep breath though, tried to make it undetectable but she was in need of oxygen to gather herself cause she needed to make nice with this man who was vital in finding out who was threatening Amanda.

"Doctor Rohrbaugh," the nurse said quietly, seemed to curtsy and then slid backwards and in to the surroundings.  
>"Sergeant Benson I presume," Rohrbaugh said extending his hand as he reached the last step and still had a few yards before he reached her.<p>

He pushed his glasses up on his nose as he got closer and as Liv took his hand all she could think about what how tall he was even though she'd first perceived him as very short. He was actually almost her height. His handshake was steady and short, his hand warmer than he seemed. When he let her go he looked from her to Nick and then back to her as though it was her job to introduce them.

"This is detective Nick Amaro, also with Manhattan's special victims unit," Liv said and Rohrbaugh finally took a step closer to Nick whose hand had been lingering in the air for a while now.  
>"Nice to meet you doctor Rohrbaugh," Nick said and managed to lure the first heartfelt smile out of the doctor. Liv sent Nick a silent thank you.<p>

"If you follow me," he said and gestured to where they were headed before he took lead. Liv followed him with Nick half a step to her side. Nick noticed the nurse was still with them, he'd thought she'd excused herself when the doctor arrived, but she followed right behind them.

"So you've entered Broadmare psychiatric hospital," Rohrbaugh said as they went down a corridor.  
>"Would you like me to give you some background?" he said and turned his head slightly around to pick up the nod he seemed to be expecting.<p>

"Please do," Liv said to humor him.  
>"If you like," he said, "The building was founded in 1848, then as a school for the deaf and dumb."<p>

He suddenly stopped and turned to his left where a black and white framed photo hung on the wall. Liv and Nick found themselves looking at a photo of a group of children that seemed to find anything but the camera interesting, looking at anything else then it. A group of nurses in almost the exact outfits as the nurse now with them was flanking the kids and seemed to know where the camera was at. Nick had to throw a glimpse at the nurse just to check that she was in fact wearing the exact uniform as in the photo.

"It was a more merciless time," the doctor said.  
>"One would hope," Liv added, not able to stop herself. Rohrbaugh gave her a look she couldn't really interpret and then kept walking as he started talking again.<p>

"Well we kept what was good with the treatment, it was later transformed in to an asylum for the clinical insane," he pointed to another photo across the hall, "and then in 1905 Broadmare psychiatric hospital was established. We have a great legacy, professors, published scientific studies and many rehabilitated patients."

He'd taken a few steps forward and stopped by the next photo. Liv looked at what seemed to be the unveiling of a placard in front of the hospital back in 1905.

"We currently house 213 patients, our high-security ward houses 58 more serious cases, Mr Ferguson being one of them," Rohrbaugh said as he kept walking, "we keep male and female wards separate and we have a trial leave program for those who qualify. Most patients here suffer from severe mental illness, many with personality disorders. In the high-security ward our patients have been convicted of serious crimes, or been found unfit to plead in a trial for such crimes. The average stay for the entire hospital is about six years, skewed though by some patients who stayed, or stays for over 30 years."

"We're a renowned facility," he said as they passed through a couple of locked doors and Liv thought 'as you keep telling us' as she handed the door to Nick.  
>"We have 120 green acres outside, but inside the fence of course. We work a lot with reintegrating our patients in to the community though. We offer choice based programs which respect the dignity, cultural differences and self-worth of those we serve, and we offer them in the safest environment possible."<p>

"Yes I remember reading that on your website," Liv said, not able to hold her tongue as she heard Rohrbaugh repeating yet another fancy phrase she recognized.  
>"Well if you've visited our website then you also know we have a Sex Offender Treatment Program which has shown great results," the doctor said stopping by another locked door and faced them.<p>

"You actually believe you can treat sex offenders?" Nick had to ask.  
>"I do, and I have the proof in at least twenty patients out there which I myself have helped cure."<br>"Cure?" Liv hummed, "And Mr Ferguson, you're planning to _cure_ him?"  
>"Mr Ferguson actually hasn't participated in the SOT program yet, we're still questioning if he should or not since he didn't directly sexually assault his victims…" Rohrbaugh was about to say something else but Liv interrupted him, making the company halt for a while.<p>

"Hold on, so you don't count setting your victims up to get raped as a sexual assault? Watching them get raped isn't a sexual assault?"  
>"Well…" the doctor started but again Liv cut him off before he could go further.<br>"Carving wooden dildos that he probably used on his victims isn't a sexual offense? Actually, by her own account, sticking his hand inside a woman, you don't count as a sexual assault either?" Liv had to bite her tongue now and it gave Rohrbaugh a chance to jump in.

"Mr Ferguson's range…" he started, caught Liv's flaming eyes and hurried to continue, "…well he has a wide spectrum of problems. We can only do so much at a time. It has taken a long time just to gain his trust, to even get started with some kind of treatment."

The doctor turned and took a few quick steps towards another door where he dragged his id-card through the slot to let them pass.

"We provide treatment, rehabilitation and support to assist patients in their recovery process. Our services are tailored to the individual."  
>"And just how is Mr Fergusons treatment tailored?" Nick asked.<br>"We'll get to that when we reach my office detective," the doctor said and continued, "We actively work to promote empowerment, advocacy, and choice by consumers of service. We are actively involved as partners with consumers in fighting the stigma and misconceptions about mental illness."

Liv did her best to block his annoying voice out as they seemed to have entered the Holy Grail of the hospital, the high-security ward, and she took everything in, wondering if Simon ever walked this specific white hallway.

"We intend not only to meet and exceed existing standards in our field, but to contribute in establishing new ones," Liv heard as she zoomed in momentarily but then caught eyes on what looked as two female patients playing cards inside a thick glass window.

"This is the female ward," Rohrbaugh said in passing and then continued his ramblings, "We treat those we serve with respect and dignity, our emphasis are on the strengths of those we serve, our knowledge about advanced treatments and their promise, and our caring and dedication to those we serve."

"Well we have dedication to the victims of those _you serve_," Liv said as they passed a nurse guiding a patient by them. The woman seemed highly altered by drugs, not even registering the guests and just passed them with her eyes staring empty ahead of herself.

Rohrbaugh seemed to ignore Liv's comment and instead told them they were entering the male ward shortly and to keep to the right of the hallway at all times. He at least stayed quiet the rest of the way so Liv counted it as a small win but hoped she hadn't burnt their bridges. Judging by Nick's clenched jaws as she caught a look at him though she wasn't the only one bored by Rohrbaugh's ramblings.

There was a line in the middle of the white hallway with giant arrows drawn on the ground to make it obvious which way to move in each lane. Liv felt a need to cross the line just because she could and because of the fact that the hallway was empty except from them but she of course stuck to her side and kept up with Rohrbaugh who had picked up speed now.

"Your nurse told us you were prepping for visiting hours," Liv said just to try and stop thinking of mischiefs, "you keep the same visiting hours for your inmates in the high-security ward?"  
>"Most <em>patients<em> here aren't allowed visitors, those who are only see visitors through glass," Rohrbaugh explained.

"So like in jail then?" Nick added.  
>"We try not to compare ourselves to a jail but of course our patients in here can be dangerous to themselves as well as others so yes we have to take precautions."<p>

"Has Simon been aggressive towards your staff?" Liv asked but immediately got a glare from the doctor.  
>"Not yet sergeant," he close to hissed but then soften his voice slightly as he continued, "Behind closed doors please."<p>

They passed another door and started to see signs of life again. Liv saw an ordinary looking man sitting behind a computer in an otherwise empty room. A thick glass separated him from the hallway. A hallway that had the same painted arrows as the last one they'd gone through. Behind another thick glass window sat a group of men in a circle while another man stood by a white board where he'd drawn stick figures with lines between them.

"Group therapy," Rohrbaugh said taking notice of the detective's prying eyes.  
>"And the computer?" Liv had to ask.<br>"Study room, no outside access," the doctor answered as though he'd known what Liv really asked about. So far they'd seen no more than ten inmates inside Fort Knox and Liv couldn't help but wonder where all the other 50 were.

"Just up these stairs," Rohrbaugh informed them as they went through yet another door and up a single flight of stairs. As they went through the door above the stairs Nick realized the nurse was no longer behind them, he had no idea when she'd left them.

Upstairs looked nothing like the asylum feel of the downstairs, it was dark wood and musky wallpaper. Liv wasn't sure what she preferred though, the clinical clean white downstairs or the murky medieval upstairs. A nurse in a uniform sat behind a desk with multiple monitors in front of her. Except from the initial glance she didn't pay them any attention and kept her eyes on the monitors even when the doctor addressed her.

"Get nurse Sernyak to join us in my office," he said and the nurse gave him a nod, kept looking at the monitors as she reached for a phone.

"With me," the doctor said to Liv and Nick and then kept walking down the murky hallway. Liv gave Nick an amused look and caught his frown, she got some relief that he seemed to find the doctor as obnoxious as she did. They'd finally reached the doctor's office and he asked them to have a seat.

"Can I offer you some tea or some water, I'm afraid it's all I got to offer in here," the doctor said but both Liv and Nick declined as they took a seat.  
>"We're here to talk about Simon Ferguson…" Liv started but Rohrbaugh raised his hand as he too sat down but of course behind his own grand desk. He grabbed a piece of paper off his desk, pushed his round glasses up on his nose and took a deep breath before he started talking.<p>

"I got the warrant and with your many phone calls I'm starting to get a bit curious about the urgency here, I thought I was being of assistance giving you the staff list," Rohrbaugh peeked up from the warrant in his hands.

"I told you doctor that some threats have been made towards the one surviving victim…"  
>"And you think one of my staff is making them?" the doctor said raising an eyebrow at her.<p>

"You strike me as being intelligent doctor, you know we have to rule them out to get to whoever is behind the threats," Liv said and got a smirk from the doctor.  
>"Well thank you sergeant B…" the doctor got interrupted by a knock at his door.<p>

"Enter," he said and, to Liv, sounded very much like a principal.  
>"Ah nurse Sernyak," the doctor said as they laid eyes on a rather heavyset nurse coming in through the door. She looked in her mid-fifties, her hair, that had gone mostly grey, was cropped short and the first one they met who sported a genuine smile on her face. Her nurse's outfit had a different color, it looked greyish green in the sparse light of the doctor's office.<p>

"Ismene Sernyak?" Liv said extending her hand to the nurse.  
>"Perfect pronouncement, rarely happens," the nurse said shaking Liv's hand.<p>

"Sergeant Olivia Benson," Liv said and had no problem giving the nurse a smile back.  
>"Detective Nick Amaro," Nick said next and met the nurse's hand half way.<p>

"Nurse Sernyak is the chief nursing officer at Broadmare," Rohrbaugh explained, "and she's been involved with Mr Ferguson's treatment since he first got here. Unfortunately doctor Tennant, Mr Ferguson's psychiatrist and an attending here at Broadmare, couldn't be here. Doctor Tennant is a professor in clinical neurophysiology as well as a published author. As I told you earlier we here at Broadmare want to contribute in the psychiatric field and it at times takes us away from the facility. Doctor Tennant currently only treat two patients here at Broadmare, but is available as a consultant in many other cases."

"And the other patient being?" Liv asked.  
>"Not covered by the warrant," Rohrbaugh said strict.<br>"If that patient is vital to the case," Nick chipped in.  
>"He is not, he does not interact with Mr Ferguson since he's isolated and if you suspect doctor Tennant for anything I can tell you you're on the wrong track."<br>"I would take your word for it doctor but we wouldn't do a thorough investigation if we did not clear him ourselves," Liv said trying to sound more polite than she felt. The doctor nodded and leaned back in his chair. The nurse had pulled out a chair from the wall and taken a seat by the side of the desk.

"What can you tell us about Ferguson?" Liv asked.  
>"Can I speak freely doctor?" nurse Sernyak asked.<br>"Don't you always," the doctor said. It sounded a bit rude but the nurse didn't seem to take it that way and turned back towards their guests again.

"Mr Ferguson can be very charismatic when he wants to but can at any time be, or turn, rude and give unintelligent slurs towards the nursing staff. He has a demeaning behavior towards everyone he thinks are beneath him and that is basically everyone, doctor Tennant is probably the only one he seems to have some respect for. He has some very delusional theories…"

Now doctor Rohrbaugh seemed unable to stay quiet and interrupted the nurse with a slight cough before he continued in her place.

"We haven't diagnosed Mr Ferguson yet but doctor Tennant has clinical expertise in psychotic disorders, that is severe mental disorders that cause abnormal thinking and perceptions. We believe Mr Ferguson at some point had a psychosis that made him lose touch with reality. He suffers from both delusions and hallucinations."

"What kind of delusions and hallucinations?" Nick asked.  
>"I'm not sure how informed you are in this field but delusions are false beliefs such as thinking that someone is plotting against you or that the TV is sending you secret messages. In Mr Ferguson's case that is that the entire world is plotting against him, that the human kind has been corrupted and are about to destroy itself. He thinks that God is speaking to him. He read signs everywhere. In the clouds, in the way his pees spread on his plate or in a whiff of fresh air."<p>

"What about the hallucinations?" Liv asked.  
>"False perceptions," Rohrbaugh lectured, "such as hearing, seeing or feeling something that is not there."<p>

"And what is it he sees or hears?"  
>"His mother. And sometimes his sister," Rohrbaugh answered immediately.<br>"His mother lifts him, cheers him up," Sernyak chipped in, "while his sister haunts him."

"Guilt?" Liv suggested and Rohrbaugh seemed impressed by her perception.  
>"Yes, he displays some guilt to what he did to his sister."<p>

"And to his other victims?" Nick asked.  
>"He still mostly talks about them as angels, as though he did them a favor," Rohrbaugh let him know.<p>

"And towards his surviving victim?" Liv dared to ask.  
>"To your former colleague? Or is she perhaps still your colleague?" Rohrbaugh asked. Liv wanted to dislike him but he actually had a hint of concern over his face.<p>

"_Still_ a colleague," Liv said.  
>"Well that's uplifting to hear at least," Rohrbaugh said pushing his glasses back up on his nose, "She is mentioned a lot during therapy. He's… well obsessed seems to be the best description."<p>

"Obsessed how?" Liv said getting further out on her chair.  
>"He calls her his saving grace," Sernyak told them.<br>"It's rather peculiar though," Rohrbaugh spoke again, "that he speaks so fondly off her when he in fact still doesn't own up to murdering all those other angels… I mean victims. He still thinks he did them a favor and he still has thoughts of _saving_ more of them."

"We've had to remove any blonde nurses from his ward," Sernyak added.  
>"And his saving grace, does he want to kill her still?" Liv asked. She'd deliberately not used Amanda's name yet, wanting to hear what Simon called her.<br>"No, not kill her," Rohrbaugh said, "he says her life has purpose, that she's the one angel that belongs on earth with or without him."

"What does that mean? With or without him?" Liv asked.  
>"Mr Ferguson believes he should've died by her hands, that her life was spared to end his. He wants to be by God's side, his disciple. He has tried to end his life by provoking others, other inmates. Since it's a sin to kill oneself he's tried it indirectly, and it's why we now keep him mostly isolated."<p>

"Mostly? I thought you said he's always isolated," Liv questioned.  
>"He is never left alone with another inmate but he does participate in group sessions. He rarely interacts with them lately though, sees himself superior and keeps to himself."<p>

"But like you say his charismatic, what if he… enchants another inmate?" Nick asked.  
>"Believe me detective, we don't let him interact with other inmates that way and even if there's no way any other inmate can deliver a threat to your colleague," Rohrbaugh said.<p>

"So that leaves your staff then," Liv said sitting back in her chair again. Rohrbaugh's eyes narrowed as he looked at her. Nick dug in his inside pocket, took out the folded papers he had tucked in to his notepad.  
>"Nurse Sernyak, would you mind marking in some way the staff that interacts with Ferguson one way or another," Nick said straightening the papers a bit before he handed them to her. She accepted them with a nod and grabbed a pen of Rohrbaugh's desk.<p>

"May I ask what kind of threats your colleague is getting?" Rohrbaugh asked and now it was Liv's turn to narrow her eyes slightly as she observed him for a few seconds.  
>"Let's call them indirect death threats," Liv said but then moved on to another subject, "Let me ask you doctor, does Ferguson quote the Bible a lot?"<p>

"Constantly," Rohrbaugh said short and direct.  
>"You let him have a Bible?" she asked.<br>"We didn't for some time but we've agreed on letting him have it as long as he behaves," Rohrbaugh said squirming a little in his chair as though he anticipated that the answer would upset Liv.

"So you use it for discipline?" Liv challenged, trying to hide both a frown and a tone of dislike in her voice.  
>"You could say that yes," Rohrbaugh unwillingly confessed.<br>"What other _treatments_ do you use on Ferguson?" she asked.  
>"It's mostly talk therapy," Rohrbaugh started.<br>"With doctor Tennant?" Liv asked and Rohrbaugh nodded.

"Mr Ferguson also enjoys and participates in art therapy, he's not so fond but participate in group therapy. He's taking a course in romantic literature as well as a class in sculpturing, aiming for perhaps a BA."  
>"And he would use that degree how?" Nick had to ask.<br>"We need to keep hope to succeed with our treatment, otherwise we'll get nowhere," Rohrbaugh said sounding a bit offended as he glared at Nick. Nick got a bit saved by the nurse who handed him back the list, now with at least thirty names circled. He recognized at least two of those circled names from their list of Broadmare staff with prior records.

"What about drugs, medication? Ferguson get anything like that?" Liv asked the doctor.  
>"He's on a small dose of olanzapine, it helps with his hallucinations. He refuses them at times, feeling a desire to see his mother but then his sister reappears too and he gets back on his medication."<p>

"You give him the choice?" Liv asked.  
>"Yes we do," Rohrbaugh said simply.<p>

"We will need to talk to all these people," Nick said moving his hand over the list.  
>"Starting with doctor Tennant, when will he be available?"<br>"He resides in Manhattan actually, you should be able to catch him at home. He's writing on his second book," Rohrbaugh said sounding a bit proud.

"What are his books about?" Liv enquired.  
>"His first one was entitled The Psychopath next door, it was reviewed in the New York Times. I think this one is going to be called Confessions of a Psychopath," he looked to nurse Sernyak for confirmation but she didn't seem to know if he guessed right or not.<p>

"As in Ferguson's confessions?" Liv asked.  
>"Oh no, he's writing in general. It's a sort of guide book for the field, experiences drawn from his prestigious research."<br>"But Ferguson is part of that right?"  
>"Yes but doctor Tennant would not, <em>could not<em>, use Mr Ferguson's case specifically, it's against policy and confidentiality agreements."

Liv gave Nick a look, they would most urgently want to talk to this doctor Tennant.

"There is one other person who's spoken to Mr Ferguson," Sernyak suddenly said. Rohrbaugh gave her a puzzled look.  
>"That advocate earlier this year?" she said to enlighten Rohrbaugh and he hummed slightly as he recalled whoever Sernyak was talking about.<br>"Yes, right. We were evaluated in May of this year. A complaint from a former patient, nothing to worry with detectives, we were cleared of course."

"Of course," Liv said hiding the sarcasm, "What about the advocate?"  
>"I'll give you his contact information. It was a one-time meet, short and a recorded session. I also have a transcript of his session with Mr Ferguson somewhere around here. I'll find it for you and have it sent to you, it will also ensure you what excellent care we're giving Mr Ferguson."<p>

Liv and Nick had another few questions that both Rohrbaugh and Sernyak answered without much hassle or some kind of hidden agenda as far as they knew. Liv had a dislike for Rohrbaugh but she had a hard time seeing him as the one who kept texting Amanda.

"Okay, I think that's all the questions we have for you right now. We would like to talk to Ferguson," Liv said, "would that be possible?"

Sernyak turned to Rohrbaugh who kept his eyes on Liv though.

"We don't want to disrupt his treatment…" the doctor tried.  
>"We have a warrant doctor," Liv said a bit threatening.<br>"Hold on, all I'm saying is that you cannot under any circumstances upset him. I would understand that this case, that Mr Ferguson, is personal to you seeing how you know one of his victims. But my job is to look out for Mr Ferguson so all I ask you is that you weigh that in when you do speak to him."  
>"We will doctor," Liv said even though she knew she would not hold back if Ferguson said anything rash.<p>

"Nurse Sernyak would you set up a visitors room," Rohrbaugh said more as an order than a question. Sernyak rose but froze as Liv put up her hand in the air.  
>"We want to be in the same room as him," she said just to make things clear in case they weren't.<br>"That's not…" Rohrbaugh seemed to be at a loss for words for once.  
>"It's the way we conduct interviews doctor, we read in body language and facial expressions. We need to be in the same room as him, in fact I insist on it," Liv said as calmly as possible. She was ready to fight for it though if Rohrbaugh denied them this. To her surprise though he said nothing more and just gestured Sernyak away.<p>

Rohrbaugh insisted that they accepted something to drink and led them down the hall to a break room where he left them alone for a while.

"So what's your gut telling you?" Nick inquired eagerly as soon as the doctor had left.  
>"Place is certainly creepy," Liv said looking around the room. It had the same wallpapers as the hallway, the dark wood seemed to be a theme up here and the furniture and details – even the cups they were drinking out of – seemed out of date.<p>

"Nurse Sernyak could probably give us insight on the staff if we talk to her on her own," Nick suggested and pulled Liv's attention back to himself.  
>"Aha," Liv hummed over her cup as she had a taste of the strong coffee Rohrbaugh had served them, "and we need to get on the rest of that list."<p>

"What's your take on Rohrbaugh?" Nick had to ask. Liv shot him a look and raised her eyebrows slightly.  
>"Peculiar, we can't rule him out but I just can't imagine him texting. Can you?" Liv said and Nick shrugged.<br>"You just never know," he said, "and this is Amanda so…" He left it at that and took another sip but then decided that was enough caffeine for the entire day and poured out the rest in a patinated sink.

It would take some time before anyone came back to fetch them, both Nick and Liv had time to go both anxious and restless in that time. Neither one of them was looking forward to facing Simon again, they'd much rather leave him to rot in some imagined hell hole. From what they'd learnt so far he seemed to be getting much better treatment than either one of them thought he deserved. At least he was locked up though. But if he had a way to reach beyond these walls and those two fences out there he still had the opportunity to do harm and that could not be allowed.

"Oh c'mon," Liv sighed and stomped her foot childishly as she turned away from the window. Nick raised an eyebrow where he sat at a table but he got her frustration. With every passing minute the anxiety level inside him had risen and his foot was tapping away against the thick carpet that covered the floor. He was just about to say something when the door suddenly opened and he got to his feet instead. It was the nurse that had met them at the gate and she now told them Mr Ferguson was ready to see them.

They followed her out of the room, down the hallway, passed the same nurse who's eyes were fixated at the monitors in front of her and then down the same stairs as earlier. Liv wiped her sweaty hands on her slacks as she followed the nurse down the stairs. They passed the locked door, went down a different hallway than the one they came through but it looked just the same and then passed another locked door before they spotted doctor Rohrbaugh further down the hallway.

"Ah," he said as he spotted them, his previously focused face turned to a smiling one as he took a few steps towards them. Liv had time to think she actually preferred his composed face, he looked creepy when he smiled.  
>"Mr Ferguson is ready to see you," he said once they reached each other.<p>

"We need to go through some guidelines," he said and his smile got smaller but still lingered. Liv gave him a nod to humor him.  
>"No physical contact," the doctor said piercing his eyes in both of them but still managed to keep that hint of a smile on his face, "I want all three of you in your seats at all times. Mr Ferguson has gotten strict instructions to not leave his chair at any time."<p>

"Is he cuffed?" Nick asked regretting his voice sounded so nervous.  
>"No, he's not <em>restrained<em>," Rohrbaugh said, his smile completely gone. He turned to Liv as though to punish Nick somehow.  
>"Make sure to not get close to him, he doesn't like to be touched. You can't leave anything behind, not even a paper. It is very important," he said emphasizing every word.<br>"We get it," Liv reassured.

"There's a nurse inside and we'll be watching from outside," he said. Liv would've preferred to keep any nurses outside the room but she just didn't feel like arguing with him right now and let it slide. Rohrbaugh slid his id-card through a slot and when the small light above the door turned green he gestured to Liv to go ahead inside. The knob on the door felt cool against her clammy palm and then she held her breath as she pushed the door open.

She spotted him right away. He looked just like himself but yet so different from the image Liv had in her head. He wore what looked like a white jumpsuit. He was behind a table so she couldn't really see his lower part. His brown hair was trimmed shorter than last time she'd seen him, his chin shaved clean and his blue eyes just as piercing as she remembered now.

During these two years since she last saw him she'd pictured him like the beast he was. She'd pictured him as the devil. She still thought of him that way but he didn't look anything like the monstrous being that sometimes visited her nightmares. He looked as any guy you pass on the street and thought nothing much off. He had blended in well back then and he still seemed to do so. He didn't look the part of a mental case locked inside a high-security psych ward.

Well if you counted out the white frock, the fact he was surrounded by white padded walls and a hefty nurse that looked more like a bouncer was positioned by the door watching the inmate's every move.

He had gained a little weight Liv realized as vivid images from the interrogation she'd held with him years ago flashed before her eyes. A bizarre thought entered her mind, that hunting and butchering women might have kept him in shape before. Looking at him closer she could also see a thick line of grey reaching from his temple to behind his ears.

Liv got aware that Nick was behind her as she felt his hand slightly on her lower back. She also got aware of the fact she'd stopped right inside the door and awkward seconds had gone by where she'd just stared at him. She cleared her throat, lowered her eyes slightly as she walked over to one of the chairs across from Simon.

Nick hadn't been able to tear his eyes off Simon since they entered and didn't as he walked over to the other chair. He felt a weird blend of nausea and hatred rumble through his gut. He wanted to throw up but he also wanted to jump this guy, put his hands around his neck and squeeze both the life out of him but also that silly grin that spread over Simon's face as he realized who was here to see him.

"Not in my wildest…" Nick heard Simon whisper as they sat down. Simon did seem surprised, pleasantly surprised. His eyes were glued to Liv, only momentarily sliding over Nick's way. Simon seemed to gather himself quickly though and that surprised grin turned to more a smirk as he leaned back against his chair again. Except for leaning a little forward when they first entered he'd maintained his posture, his hands hidden somewhere in his lap.

"Detectives," Simon smirked. His voice sounded exactly like she remembered. That calm and somewhat condescending tone.

"To what do I owe this honor?" he said but then the calm demeanor suddenly broke and he seemed almost childishly excited as he leaned in, his hands coming up to land on the table. Liv felt herself pull back slightly, it was something unnerving seeing him without cuffs or any other kind of restrains. She could feel a touch of that fear Amanda must've felt being alone with him.

"No, no, please tell me this first," Simon breathed excitedly and Liv pulled her eyes from a couple of raw scratch marks on Simon's wrist only to stare straight in to his wide open, sinister blue eyes.

"Please tell me, how's my living angel doing?"


	4. Chapter 4: Confronting the Enemy

So sorry for the long wait. The Stockholm Filmfestival drained me, in a good way but bad for the fic-writing. Have to admit as well that the last SVU episode made me itching to write another Rollaro fic, I might have already written a chapter or two on that one but I promise to commit to this one from now on. Nothing's holding me back now.  
>Hope you'll enjoy this chapter, a lot of dialogue but I do my best to mix it up a little. Love to read your reviews.<br>The quote down below is from one of my favorite authors – Dean Koontz.

Now let's see if we can scope out who the real enemy is…

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: Confronting the Enemy<strong>

* * *

><p>"<em>Many human beings need no supernatural mentoring to commit acts of savagery; some people are devils in their own right, their telltale horns having grown inward to facilitate their disguise."<em>

* * *

><p>"Tell me, is she still beautiful? I bet she is. Her wounds must've healed, is she scarred much? She must remember me. Did she have a message for me? Did she send you here with a message?"<p>

Simon was worked up. He was leaning over the table, talking too fast and got flustered quickly.

"Tell me, did she?" he said, voice aggravated that the detectives wouldn't answer. The nurse took a step forward raising his hand a little towards Simon as to try and calm him down. Simon just glared at him though, his eager face turning furious in an instance. Simon obviously challenged the male nurse, they just stared at each other for a while before Simon finally sat back on his chair. He did his best to maintain his posture and self-acclaimed superiority. A smug smirk spread over his face as he looked down and seemed to brush down his pants with his hands.

"I'm calm," he said looking back up.  
>"I'm perfectly calm," he smirked looking from Liv to Nick and then back to her again.<p>

"Of course you would want to aggravate me. It's what you do right? Push buttons, force confessions. But you didn't break me then and you won't now either. She's the only one that got a hold on me. She's the only one that matters."

Simon stopped talking and just stared back at them. Neither Liv nor Nick felt like talking but Liv knew she had to start at some point and it was getting more and more awkward by the second. She just wished her head didn't feel so blank right now, she needed to be on her A-game.

"Do you know why we're here Simon?" Liv finally asked. He just glared at her for a while longer but then slowly shook his head.  
>"I could hope you're here with a message to me from her," Simon smiled, keeping his voice low and calm. It was something so eerie about him but Liv wasn't sure if it was just because she knew his background, all the horrific things he'd done to others.<p>

"We're not," Liv said, "we're not here to talk about her but about you Simon."  
>"What about me? You already have everything on me. I promise there are no hidden skeletons in my closet. What about yours detective?"<p>

"It's actually _sergeant_," Liv said straightening herself up a little on her chair.  
>"Oh, well then congratulation is in order right? Congratulations <em>sergeant<em>," Simon smirked.

"Thank you, I…" Liv saw no point to be impolite but Simon was and cut her off.  
>"Does that mean you're her boss now? Does she… still work for you?" Simon seemed to be digging but Liv had to make sure.<p>

"You tell me Simon," Liv said but got met by a pair of suspicious eyes. Simon's smirk had faded as he observed her. Liv did her best to sit completely still, to not move a single muscle in her face. Simon turned to Nick though, his intense eyes almost making Nick shy back.

"What about you? Detective or have you moved up too? Cat got your tongue? She's not letting you speak now that she's your boss?" Simon asked him with that smirk back on his face again.  
>"Still… still detective," Nick said having to clear his throat as he spoke and he hated the gloat that spread across Simon's face. Simon even chuckled slightly as he looked down on his own lap. Liv took the chance to move up on her chair a little, last thing she wanted was for him to see her squirm.<p>

"So Simon, how are they treating you in here?" she said to try and find another way to the core why they were actually here.  
>"Don't tell me you're honestly interested in my welfare <em>sergeant<em>?" Simon looked back up, more collected than smirking this time.

"No, I'm not concerned about you at all Simon, I could care less what happens to you," she said honestly. It made Simon smile as he nodded slowly, he seemed to appreciate her honesty but with Simon you could just never know and Liv kept her guard up.  
>"It's just my duty to follow up on cases," she said but caught Simon's eyes narrowing slightly. <em>He can see through me. <em>

Simon had been staring her down but suddenly shrugged, like a dog shrugging of water, and his entire demeanor changed as he turned to Nick. He smiled casually, folded his arms on the table as he again leaned in slightly.

"Tell me detective Nick Amaro, how is… _Amanda_ doing?" They both caught the slight hesitation before he said her name. _Did he want to say Shay? Was he playing with them?  
><em>"Still smoldering hot? I know you thought so too, I could see it in your eyes when you looked at her," Simon smiled, "You liked watching her up at that stage right? Shedding those skimpy outfits. It turned you on right?"

"Simon," Liv said lecturing. Simon gave Nick a wide smile before he turned his attention to Liv.  
>"Olivia," he said, smile fading slightly.<p>

"Do you feel any remorse towards your victims?" she decided to challenge him.  
>"Remorse? <em>Victims<em>? I don't know what you're talking about Olivia," Simon said, "I set those angels free. They _asked_ me to set them free."

"What about the ones we found in the dumpster Simon? What about Kevin? Liz? Karla? Grace? And what about Olivia Fisher? They didn't ask to be killed did they?"  
>"There are always casualties in war Olivia, you know that," Simon winked.<p>

"Amanda didn't ask you to kill her," Liv decided to bring her up even though she hadn't planned to mention her name.  
>"And she's not dead either. Or is she?"<p>

Liv had a hard time reading his face. He was still smiling, didn't show a shimmer of angst or deceit but she had a feeling they were getting played.

"She would've asked me though, I could feel she was near. She was ready to give up," Simon said casually, like they were just talking about a grocery list and not someone actually at their brink of what their tolerance level for torture could take.

"It can't be easy coming back from something like that, being that close to death. I mean I saw that she wanted to kill herself. You must've too. You were both there, she had that gun pointed at herself. It would've been so easy for you to give her that mercy, to let her put herself out of that misery. If you truly were her friends you would've granted her that."

Simon gave them a judgmental look.

"_You_ pushed her there," Nick blurted out not able to just listen to him talk trash. Simon turned to Nick while trying to keep his amusement a bay.  
>"Amanda's a fighter. Nothing rattles her but you… you deprived her of food and water. Of her dignity and you took away her freedom. You screwed her up. That's not a friend, that's not a <em>savior<em>."

"But I am," Simon said anger building up quickly, "a savior."  
>"You might want to think so but if that was the case you need to use present tense Simon, you <em>were<em> a savior. You'll not get to anyone any longer. You're finished, you'll rot away in here and you'll never come close to saving anyone ever again," Liv said seeing her chance to lure something out of Simon if she provoked him to speak his mind.

"But I am," Simon shouted making both Liv and Nick jump as he stood up and slammed his fist in to the table, his chair hit the floor with a loud bounce. The nurse took a step closer but now Liv put up her hand towards _him_ instead to make him back off.

"_How_ Simon? How will you ever save someone again?" Liv tried, managing to keep her voice calm.  
>"I will," Simon raged but kept standing still with his fists planted on the table.<br>"But how? You're stuck in here? You can't reach anyone? There are no angels in here?"  
>"Doctor Tennant," Simon said clutching his teeth.<br>"Doctor Tennant?" Liv questioned, "How is he involved?"

The nurse had approached Simon carefully and he got his chair up so he could sit back down. Simon waited to sit down though until the nurse had stepped back to his wall.

"He's writing a book," Simon said proudly as he sat down, "About me. He'll get my message out. Through him, through all my angels up there and through Shay, through Amanda, I'll live forever."

"Do you want Amanda dead, Simon?" Liv decided to ask the question straight out. He gave her a strange look.  
>"Would you prefer if she was dead Simon?" she asked. Simon shook his head but in a hesitant way.<p>

"You don't want her dead?"  
>"I don't know," Simon said silently. He seemed honestly confused.<p>

"If she was here right now," Liv started.  
>"Is she here?" Simon asked eagerly looking towards the door and the smaller mirror next to it. He lit up like a little school boy that expected his favorite teacher to walk in to his classroom.<p>

"_If_ she was here Simon, what would you do or tell her then?"  
>"I… I would tell her how precious she is," Simon said keeping his eyes on the mirror behind them.<p>

"Precious?" Liv questioned and Simon nodded.  
>"So you're not angry with her?" Liv asked but Simon gave her a puzzled look.<br>"You're not angry that she got you caught? That she put you here?"

Simon looked at her with puzzled eyes.

"_She_ didn't. _God_ put me here, he's always in charge. He wanted me to meet her and he wants me here for a reason. I pity you sergeant, you must be so lost in this world without him by your side. I hope Amanda hasn't lost her faith has she?"  
>"Can you tell me the reason you're here Simon?" Liv asked ignoring his question. But Simon decided to do the same thing to her and turned to Nick instead of answering her.<p>

"You're still a faithful man I hope? Not married any longer though I noticed. I hope you haven't strayed though detective. It's still a sin to lay down with a hussy," Simon smirked.  
>"Are you calling Amanda a hussy?" Nick asked and it made Simon chuckle. His mood swings were troubling and hard to keep up with.<p>

"If you say so detective," Simon said once he managed to control his amusement.  
>"I'm asking <em>you<em> Simon, is that how you see her?" Nick said managing to keep his calm.

"Isn't that how all of us see her? That's what she is, even if she tried to cover it up. _Playing_ police, _playing_ detective but deep down all she really was was a lost soul. Amanda was Shay, Shay was Amanda. All along that's what she was. A tainted and deformed charlatan. Does she still have you fooled detective?" Simon leaned in over the table and Nick had to fight really hard to not punch him straight in to that ugly mug of his.

"You just called her precious and now you call her a hussy, a charlatan. I don't get it Simon. Can you enlighten me?" Liv said sensing Nick's anger. Simon seemed to like Liv's plead to understand him and turned his eyes at her.

"She's my calling. I can see beyond all that filth, the potential that once were. What's hidden behind her sorrow, behind her shame and her despicable behavior. She doesn't tempt me like she tempts other weak souls," Simon briefly looked Nick's way.  
>"I'm the reliable one, and she saw that. Towards the end, she did see that," Simon smiled proudly.<p>

"Do you want to hurt her?" Liv decided to try again using different words.  
>"I want to <em>save<em> her," Simon answered.  
>"But to save her you have to hurt her right?" Liv asked and Simon nodded slowly. He seemed content that she seemed to grasp his method.<p>

"So do you still want to hurt her?"  
>"I did hurt her. I marked her for life didn't I? We will forever be a part of each other's life." Simon sounded eerie calm and callous.<p>

"Would you threaten her if you had the chance?" Liv asked but saw Simon's eyes narrow immediately.  
>"Is someone threatening her?" he asked. Liv tried to stay completely still, she hated how Simon seemed to be one step ahead even locked inside this place.<p>

"Would that please you to hear? If that was the case I mean," Liv asked.  
>"No." His answer was immediate and sounded honest.<p>

"No?" Liv questioned.  
>"She's mine. She's not for anyone else to damage."<p>

"But you had her raped Simon, by someone else, how does that work with your logic?"  
>"That was to break her down, to make her susceptible. To break through evil isn't easy sergeant. It was a method sanctioned by the Lord. Sanctioned by him, relayed by me to someone I saw fit to perform a duty."<br>"Would you give someone that _duty_ today if you could Simon? Would you give someone permission to hurt her?"

Simon pierced his eyes in to her.

"You think I'm trying to get to her? From in here… That I would…" Simon seemed to drift off in to his own thoughts as though he tried to figure out what was going on.

"Simon?" Liv said hoping to distract him from drifting too far. She feared he would get back to his scheming ways and that they wouldn't get to the truth if he were able to play his games of deception.  
>"Simon, if you could talk to her right now what would you tell her?"<p>

Simon turned to her but his eyes were somewhere in the distance and it made Liv feel even more uncomfortable.

"For human semblance in that bestial shade…" he mumbled and Liv shot Nick a confused look. He didn't look at her but looked just as confound as her as he kept observing Simon.

"If she was outside right now Simon," Liv teased and she could tell she got his attention, "If she came here with us and she's outside that window right now watching us, what would you tell her?"

Simon's eyes drifted to the mirror and his face slowly lit up.

"I would tell her how important it was that she kept up the right path," Simon said quietly.  
>"That she stuck to the Bible?" Liv asked and Simon nodded.<p>

"Would you recite the Bible to her, like you did down there in that bunker with her?" Simon nodded again but Liv needed to get him talking. Right now he seemed too mesmerized by some envisioned image of Amanda outside that window, he looked manic.

"How would you tell her that if you had a chance Simon? Tell me," Liv tried.  
>"She already knows," Simon whispered, a creepy smile spreading over his face.<p>

"How does she know Simon?"  
>"I talk to her. I talk to her every day and I know she can hear me."<p>

"How can she hear you Simon. When you're in here and she's out there, how do you reach her Simon?"  
>"A bond. We have a bond. It goes from back then all the way to eternity. She knows it. She feels it. I know she feels me. Every time she sees her back she feels me. Every time she sees her hands she knows what I gave up for her and she'll be forever grateful."<p>

"But _how_ do you know? How do you know she hears you?" Liv leaned in a little hoping Simon would look at her instead of the window.  
>"Whenever she feels pain she knows I'm right there with her. That I share her pain." Simon kept talking, he'd completely shut them out now.<br>"I'm strong enough to carry the pain for her. I gave myself up for her and she knows that. I'm her everything. One day we'll be together again."

Liv gave Nick a quick look. She wasn't sure she could bring Simon back but she gave it a try and asked Simon how he could communicate with Amanda.

"She'll love me just as much as I love her. And if she asked me I would put my hands around her throat, I would squeeze, I would squeeze…"

Simon had brought his hands down to his lap as he started to get mesmerized by the mirror and now it was quite obvious what he was doing down there. Nick got a disgusted look over his face and Liv couldn't help but drag her chair slightly out from the table.

"I would look in to those blue eyes and squeeze, I would squeeze the life out of her." Simon was close to screaming now and he'd managed to pull his eyes from the mirror. Liv shied away even further as he pierced his eyes in to her and when he rose from the table she averted her eyes by turning her head slightly as he'd exposed himself and was in a very erected state.

The door opened and another hefty nurse entered right before Rohrbaugh stepped in. Simon probably thought for a short second that Amanda was coming in through the door and his devastation was evident all over his face as he realized it wasn't.

"She'll die by my hands if she asks me. I love her. Shay is my everything," Simon screamed backing up to get away from the nurses. Both Liv and Nick had gotten up and backed a way as well.  
>"You have to tell her I love her," Simon screamed as he launched towards them but he didn't get far as the nurses grabbed him.<p>

"Get out of here right this instance," Rohrbaugh shouted at Liv and Nick but neither one of them wanted to make this any easier for anyone in this room.

"I love her. You can't let anyone else hurt her. She's mine. Shay will be mine. Outcast spawn. A thousand ruined spirits flee. We will kill you all. Kill you all."

Simon screamed uncontrollable as the two nurses pinned him down to the ground. Simon didn't have their weight but the adrenaline pumping through his vein made him strong and they struggled to keep him down. Two other nurses rushed in, one seemed to be holding a syringe with some clear liquid inside.

Simon kept shouting about killing, evil doers and devils and Shay's name was mixed in there. And all while Simon's now slack member flung around outside his jumpsuit. Liv wanted to feel some joy, had wanted to cause Simon some misery even though she hadn't admitted that before they got there, but now all she felt was empty and had a complete conviction that this man could never be allowed to walk freely outside again. He was a threat to Amanda and even if he wasn't behind these threatening texts Liv vouched to make sure Simon would never ever walk around freely ever again.

**Liv and Nick had been** ordered out in to the hallway and finally obeyed as Simon was injected with whatever drugs was in that syringe and seemed to quickly disappear in to lala-land. When Rohrbaugh joined them minutes later he was obviously furious. His cheeks were blazing red in a tone Liv had only seen on Santa or a prostitute with way too much make-up, and he kept pushing his glasses up like some nervous tick as he seemed too angry to even form words and kept pacing in front of them.

"One thing," he finally managed to say, his voice so high pitched Liv couldn't help but smile, "I asked you for one thing and that was to _not_ agitate him. And what do you do? You agitated him. Of course you did."

Liv had a peeve against people who answered their own questions and not even the doctor's high pitched voice amused her any longer.

"I knew I shouldn't have let you in to my hospital. I had a feeling you were bad news," the doctor rambled on.  
>"Hey," Liv said raising her voice, "That lunatic is bad news."<p>

Liv gestured towards the room they'd just left.

"He tried to kill our friend. He _did_ kill lots of people and he shows no remorse what so ever. He's the bad news and he's continuing to torment our friend and that has to stop. He needs to be stopped and I promise you I'll go to any length to make sure he rots away somewhere."

"He needs treatment," Rohrbaugh stammered, a bit shocked and Liv figured he might not be used to people talking back to him.  
>"What he needs is to be treated the way he treated his victims. He needs to suffer for what he did, not pampered."<p>

"We don't _pamper_ sergeant but we don't punish either," Rohrbaugh said finding some of his stamina again.  
>"Well you should." It was Nick's turn to raise his voice.<br>"He's an evil, _evil_ man and you heard him, you heard what he'd do to her if he'd ever get his hands on her."

"He will never be able to escape from here. We haven't had an escape in more than forty years," the doctor informed them.  
>"Well you better make damn sure of that," Liv said, "and if we find out that doctor Tennant or anyone else of your staff are running that monster's errands, threatening our friend, I swear on my mother's grave I'll come after you so hard you will never ever come near this precious hospital of yours or any other for that matter for the rest of your miserable life doctor. Now let us the hell out of here."<p>

Rohrbaugh looked completely stunned but Liv wasn't ready yet she realized and turned back to him with a raised finger pointed straight at him.

"And you better not stick your nose in our business yet, you'll let us run this investigation without disclosing a single word to anyone but nurse Sernyak, and make sure she doesn't either. We'll talk to every single one on that list and meanwhile I want you to put Simon in solitary, he talks to no one but us. Do you get me doctor?"  
>"I… you can't decide that…"<br>"But I can, I'll have an injunction delivered to you in less than an hour, that way no blame falls on you in case anything goes wrong, okay doctor?"

Rohrbaugh couldn't do much else than nod.

"Now, get us the hell out of here," Liv said and Rohrbaugh started to move towards the exit.  
>"And I'm pretty sure that was a sexual act in there doctor so you might want to get him started on that SOT program after all," Nick added sarcastically.<p>

**Once out on the parking lot**, feeling somewhat safe inside the comfort of their car both Liv and Nick almost simultaneously let out a heavy sigh as they leaned back against their seats.

"That was…" Liv said but didn't get any further.  
>"Brutal," Nick filled in with another heavy sigh. Liv was too drained to answer but it was okay since Nick had more to get off his chest.<p>

"That guy… no, you said it better, _monster_ should not get to sculpture and write poems and get a choice of what medicines he gets to take or not take while… Amanda walks around in a body marked by his sick, twisted… games and in her own personal hell every single day. That's just not fair."

Liv turned her head towards Nick, caught him gazing out in to nothing.

"No, it's not fair." She didn't know what else to say, she agreed with him, it wasn't fair on any level. Nick rolled his head her way.  
>"We need to make those texts stop, we need to put whoever is opening up her scars again behind bars," he said gravely. Liv nodded. She'd seen that determined face on him before and she was happy he was the steady pillar as she'd hit a slump. She took a deep breath and sat up a little.<p>

"How about we pay doctor Tennant a visit?" she suggested and Nick quickly got the car in gear. Liv dug her phone up out of her pocket as Nick steered them towards Manhattan. They were in need of addresses and phone numbers, and they were also in need of reinforcements.

* * *

><p><em>Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me<em>. (**Psalm 138:7**)

* * *

><p>Fin was flipping through channels when he heard a soft knock on the door. He threw a quick glance at the clock on the TV. It was past eight and he wondered who it could be. He wished it would be Liv with some news and was happy to see her through the peephole.<p>

"Hey," he greeted warmly as he opened the door. He told her to get inside and gave her a spontaneous hug as she passed him.  
>"You look wiped," he said once he'd closed the door behind her.<br>"It's been a long day," Liv said but kept the smile on her face.

"You should've let me help when I offered," he said hinting to a phone call earlier as Liv and Nick left Broadmare.  
>"You did your part here, and I got Winters to come in. I just sent him and Amaro home," Liv reassured.<p>

"You got something?" Fin asked but didn't like the slight frown Liv gave him.  
>"Okay let's get you something to drink first," Fin suggested and headed towards the kitchen, "Have you eaten?"<br>"Yeah, bits and pieces through the day," Liv said following him. She kept an eye out for Amanda but couldn't see her anywhere around.

"I got a plate of pasta and meatballs if you want," he said hunched inside his fridge.  
>"She didn't take a single bite," he said bitterly holding out a plastic covered plate.<br>"Thanks but I'm fine. Where is she?" she asked leaning slightly against the counter. Fin held up two cans of soda and Liv pointed to one of them without paying much attention to what was in them. She shook her head when he offered her a glass and then accepted the can he opened for her.

"Amanda?" she reminded him when he still hadn't answered.  
>"Oh, cooped up in her room all day," he said gesturing down the hall, "I'm letting her have the day but tomorrow I'm dragging her ass outside."<p>

Liv gave him a smile over the rim of the can.

"So what do you have?" he asked leaning on the other side of the counter. Liv swallowed as she put her can down.  
>"You know about the hospital visit and that we didn't find doctor Tennant at home," Liv said summing up the earlier hours of the day, "Tennant has still not responded to any of the phone messages I've left him. His maid refuses to give us the address to the residence in Hamptons he's visiting for the weekend."<p>

Liv rolled her eyes. She was fed up with the runarounds Tennant had sent them on today. He was the number one person she wanted to talk to and so far he'd been impossible to get a hold of.

"We've been able to cross three orderlies off the list of suspects anyway. A forth one was a bit suspicious so we're keeping him on it until we've checked him out a little further."

Liv stopped to take a deep breath as she tried to recall every visit they'd made today, there had been plenty of them.

"And we talked to one other attending psychiatrist, he rarely spent time with Simon though. But he had discussed Simon with Tennant. He did confirm that Simon is one of the patients Tennant is using for his new book," Liv exchanged a troubled look with Fin, "Winters talked to the staff nurse, according to him she might not even know how to send a text. He also talked to the orderly from the kitchen, the one that serves Simon his food every day and they apparently talk quite a lot so we're going to check him out a little further but Winters got a good vibe of him. We have five or six people coming in to the station tomorrow. This chief nurse Sernyak is one of them, we met her briefly earlier. She seems to know a lot and I'm pretty sure she'll be able to give us the scoop if we weren't able to piss her off too during our visit to Broadmare earlier. It will be a busy day tomorrow."

"You need me?" Fin asked immediately but Liv shook her head.  
>"No, just make sure <em>she's<em> okay. Amaro and Winters will help and I might get more reinforcements. I informed 1PP…" Liv caught Fin's frown.  
>"I had to Fin but it's all good, they were really concerned and wanted us to priorities this."<p>

Liv had another mouthful of her soda, she hadn't realized how much she craved fluids.

"Has she received any more texts?" Liv asked once she'd emptied the can. Fin nodded.  
>"Two, just as we were about to sit down and eat. I think that's what made her lose her appetite," Fin said with a grunt.<p>

"Did you… have you briefed her?" Liv asked.  
>"Yeah," Fin nodded, "after your last call, I told her you'd been to the hospital and that you had trouble finding the shrink."<br>"How did she take it?"  
>"I dunno really, she was tucked down, said she was okay when I asked," Fin said shrugging slightly.<p>

"Do you mind if I…" Liv started and gestured down the hall.  
>"No, go ahead," he said pushing himself off the counter.<br>"Do you think _she'll_ mind?" Liv asked though without moving.  
>"Just go Liv," Fin said as he grabbed her empty can.<p>

Liv made her way down the hall. It had been at least since before the summer she was here last and then she'd just briefly been in the kitchen as she was handing off some stuff for her detectives. She found the door to Amanda's bedroom slightly open and she softly knocked on it before she tried to prevent herself from peeking inside. She wanted Amanda to give her the go-ahead that it was okay to invade her private sphere. When she didn't hear anything though she peeked a little as she knocked again. She called out her name softly when she couldn't spot her on her bed. She wondered if she perhaps wasn't in there after all when she still heard nothing.

"Amanda?" she called out again grabbing the door as she shoved it open a little further.  
>"Yeah?" she heard and caught Amanda stepping out of her closet. She seemed a little flustered but Liv figured it might just been the slight surprise of getting a visitor. Amanda brushed down her hair slightly and then Liv caught her pulling down her sleeves as she so often did.<p>

"Can I come in?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded briskly.

"How are you doing?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded again, less briskly this time around though. Liv would've preferred a verbal answer but she settled with the one she got. Liv looked around a little, familiarizing herself with the room as it had been a very long time since she'd been in there last. Fin had told her they'd made it a little more Amanda's and Liv could spot some small changes. She saw a framed photo of Amanda and Kim as teenagers. She spotted an Atlanta Braves shirt on the wall and not far from it a painting she was pretty sure hadn't been in there last time she visited this room.

Liv spotted Amanda squirming a little and Liv shot her a smile that she awkwardly responded to.

"Can we sit down?" Liv asked gesturing towards the bed as it was the only surface she could see that met her needs.  
>"Sure," Amanda said, hurried over there and swept the cover over the bed as best she could.<p>

Liv had a seat by the foot of the bed and once she was seated Amanda climbed up on the other end. Liv noticed she was barefoot and her toe nails were colored light pink. Amanda folded herself up and again Liv saw her pull at her sleeves. She looked so young. In oversized clothes, without make-up and hair slightly ruffled, she looked so young. But Liv knew that if you looked her in the eyes, really looked at her, you could see the toll life had taken on her. She was wise beyond her years and with a baggage Liv wish she didn't have to carry.

Liv cleared her throat a little, she knew she had to wise up. She wasn't Amanda's mom, she was her boss and she had to act accordingly.

"You saw him?" Amanda asked since she could tell Liv had a hard time with where to start. Liv nodded.  
>"Did he… I mean… Did… he talk about me?" Amanda bit her lip when she managed to finally finish the sentence. Liv looked at her, contemplating what to say. Amanda deserved nothing else than the absolute truth but there were different ways to give it to her and Liv wanted to present it with the least amount of damage done.<p>

"Yes he did, of course he did," Liv said.  
>"Wh… What…," Amanda felt her throat close up and whispered a 'damn it'.<br>"The doctor in charge of the hospital told me he mentions you often. He speaks very fondly of you," Liv tried to keep her voice soft but not as soft as when she spoke to victims. Amanda had accused her once of talking to her like she was a victim and the last thing Liv wanted to do right now was to upset her.

"Fondly?" Amanda repeated quietly and Liv nodded slightly to acknowledge that.  
>"We still haven't been able to reach his psychiatrist but from what we know so far he talks a lot about you in therapy."<p>

"W-what does he say about me?" Amanda asked nervously.  
>"He says you two have a bond, that you were supposed to meet each other," Liv said carefully.<br>"Is that what he told you as well?"

Liv hesitated and Amanda of course caught it.

"Tell me what he said," she close to demanded. Liv could tell her breathe had picked up but when Liv nodded Amanda seemed to calm down quickly.  
>"He wanted to know how you were doing, if you still worked with us…"<p>

"So he's not sending the texts then? He doesn't know where I am?"  
>"We can't be sure of that yet Amanda. He's still very manipulative," Liv told her. She let Amanda have a few seconds to just breathe as she seemed to think about what Liv had just told her.<p>

"What did you tell him? About me," Amanda asked.  
>"We didn't tell him anything Amanda. We wouldn't give him anything," Liv said and watched Amanda swallow hard. Amanda looked to the bed stand as though she searched for something but then her eyes came back to Liv.<p>

"So what happened?" she asked.

"We tried to find out what he knew about you. As I told you he's still very manipulative and he tried to turn the questions around of course," Liv said and Amanda nodded. She remembered his ways, she remembered them very well right at this very moment. She'd pulled her hands completely inside her long sleeves and she caught herself pumping her fist as they hurt slightly. She tried to relax a little, she didn't want Liv to worry about her.

"Yeah he was good at that," she acknowledged.  
>"He seems to think he'll have a vital part in his psychiatrist's upcoming book, that the psychiatrist will help him spread his word to live according to the Bible."<p>

"Could he? Would he do that?" Amanda asked anxiously but Liv shook her head.  
>"He won't do that. It might all just be in Simon's head," Liv caught Amanda's reaction when she heard Simon's name. It was like a smaller shock wave hit her front and she seemed to lose her breath for a moment. Liv waited until she saw Amanda gather herself before she went on.<p>

"The chief said the psychiatrist isn't allowed to use actual, ongoing cases in his book and we will make sure that's the case when we talk to him."  
>"So he can't mention me either?" Amanda asked and Liv shook her head.<br>"Absolutely not. You don't have to worry about that Amanda," Liv reassured her but it didn't seem sufficient enough as Liv could tell Amanda was still fidgeting inside her sleeves and her entire body seemed rigid and uncomfortable.

"What else did he say?" Amanda asked.  
>"Just a lot of religious talk. About God's plan…"<br>"What about his plan?"  
>"Well he didn't exactly say, just that it was God's plan for him to be there. He didn't blame you for getting caught."<br>"He didn't?"  
>"No he didn't," Liv said and could tell Amanda felt a bit relieved to hear that. Liv wasn't sure if that was a good thing though. <em>Could she really feel some remorse for Simon being caught? Hadn't that been the purpose of going after him in the first place?<em>

"Did you ask him about the texts?" Amanda asked after a rather long silent pause during which Liv had watched Amanda zoom out a little as she seemed lost in her thoughts.  
>"Not straight out but I think he figured out you were getting threats."<br>"Why? How?" Amanda seemed anxious again.  
>"We had to try and get to the truth Amanda. You know how that works, sometimes suspects figure things out," Liv said calmly.<p>

"And do you… I mean… D-do you think he's behind them?" Amanda seemed almost afraid to ask the question.  
>"I don't know Amanda. He went back and forth a lot but my gut feeling is telling me he's <em>not<em> the one behind them. We will make sure though. We're talking to everyone he comes in contact with."

"And all those people knows about me?"  
>"They know of the person Simon talks about yes. They don't know the real you Amanda," Liv tried a soft smile.<p>

"Simon doesn't know the real me?" Amanda asked. The question troubled Liv.  
>"What do you mean Amanda?" she asked.<br>"Oh… nothing," Amanda said smiling awkwardly, "I don't like that he talks about me though."

"I can understand that," Liv said. They sat in silence for a while. Amanda tucked her hands in her lap to try and keep from fidgeting. Liv observed her as she seemed to drift of somewhere.

"Is there something else you like to know Amanda? About our visit with him?" Liv asked after a while.  
>"Is there something else to tell?" Amanda asked right back.<br>"There's no easy way to say it but I don't want to hold anything back from you. He is still very obsessed with you and we will have to make sure he stays where he is."  
>"He could really talk someone in to hurting me right?"<p>

"They're professionals Amanda…" Liv started but Amanda cut her off.  
>"But we know there's crazy everywhere…"<p>

"If someone from the hospital is doing this we will get to that person Amanda. We're questioning everyone who's been in contact with him. We won't stop until we find this person."  
>"What if we don't get to him in time?"<p>

"What do you mean Amanda?"  
>"What if it escalates? What if he gets to me?"<br>"Amanda he won't get to you," Liv said leaning slightly forward. Her hand moved out on the bed towards Amanda.  
>"No, I know. Of course not, I'm just being silly," Amanda said as causal as she was able to and got off the bed.<p>

She started to move towards the window but Liv saw her hesitation before she reached it and then she turned another way leaving her by the bookshelf with Ken's basketball trophies.

"It's okay to be scared Amanda," Liv tried carefully.  
>"I'm not scared," Amanda said quickly, too quickly for Liv to completely buy it.<p>

"I'm just saying it is okay and we would understand if you were. I was scared facing off with Simon today," Liv admitted.  
>"Why?" Amanda asked with a chuckle, "He's locked up. He's just a… stupid, and crazy… person. He's nothing to be scared of."<p>

Amanda caught herself pacing a little and stopped immediately. She gave Liv a look and tried her best to smile at her.

"I need to… just like use the bathroom," Amanda said and rushed out of the room. Liv took a deep breath and then got off the bed. She'd heard the bathroom door close and Fin must've too as she spotted him in the hallway as she reached the door.

"How did it go?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. Liv shrugged slightly and pushed her hands down her pockets.  
>"I know the feeling," he mumbled and looked down towards the door at the end of the hallway. It was the first time he'd seen her willingly close a door behind her.<p>

**Liv would stay** for a while longer. She tried, with Fin present, to reach Amanda. To just get her to talk about anything but Amanda kept fleeing her usual ways, by moving away slightly or by finding something she needed to do or fetch, all while pretending everything was fine when it so obviously wasn't. Liv could tell she did more harm than good and after a quick exchange of glances with Fin she let Amanda know she would head out. Liv told them that she would check in with them tomorrow, let them know how the interviews went.

When Liv had left Fin managed to talk Amanda in to sitting down in front of the TV for a while. She kept fidgeting for some time, her entire body seemed restless and every attempt he made to get closer to her failed. Finally he just let her be and tried to find solace with her at least just staying on the couch with him even if the distance was further than he liked it to be.

Once he'd stopped crowding her she started to unwind. He could tell her body started to relax and after that it didn't take long until she'd fallen asleep. He turned the TV off and then draped her with a blanket hoping she would get at least a few hours of peaceful sleep tonight. He figured she really needed it after last night. He'd heard her pace around the apartment at odd hours of the night.

* * *

><p><em>"But the wicked are like the tossing sea, for it cannot be quiet, and its waters toss up refuse and mud. "There is no peace," says my God, "for the wicked.""<em> (**Isaiah 57:20-21**)

* * *

><p><strong>Liv, Nick and Keith<strong> all met at the station at 9 AM as agreed. Liv had slipped in a little earlier and bought something to eat for them. It was the least she could do for her detectives coming in on their day off, she knew neither one of them complained though. They would divide and conquer today. They had five orderlies coming in, a medical nurse, one consulting psychiatrist, the medical director and of course nurse Sernyak. That still left plenty more to talk to though and Liv would take the first round on the phone list as well as try to get in touch with doctor Tennant again.

Nick had spent the night digging up everything he could on doctor Tennant and briefed Liv and Keith what he'd found. Aaron Philip Tennant was born 1955 in New Bedford, Massachusetts. Both parents were doctors, money seemed to be of no shortage and both the Tennants children had gone to prestigious schools. The younger brother had gone to law school while the older followed in their parents' footsteps earning his doctor degree. Once finished with medical school he'd studied on to become a psychiatrist. He'd practiced in New York his entire career. He married at age 40 and together with his wife Anya he had two children.

They lived in Manhattan. Wife Anya was a stay at home mom even though the children now were well in their teens. Anya came from a wealthy, NY-bread family, was involved in charity work and had no criminal record. Their children attended the same private school, had many after school activities and were both honor students.

Doctor Tennant seemed prominent in his field. He was mentioned in numerous publications and in 2002 he'd released his book 'The Psychopath next door' which had earned him fame even outside his own field of work. The anticipation for his second book was high but none had been released. Until now it seemed.

Tennant had worked for several distinguished clinics and been tied to Broadmare since 2010. He also saw patients privately out of his Manhattan home. Tennant had no previous charges. Two patients had filed charges for transgressions a few years apart but both had been cleared by two different medical boards. Nick had, after some fawning, got the Tennant's maid to tell him what friend the family was staying with in the Hamptons. Nick had left a message on this friend's voicemail and asked him to tell doctor Tennant to get in touch with the NYPD. They decided to go out to the Hamptons once they were finished with the interviews if Tennant still hadn't responded.

They just had time to finish when one of the first orderlies came in and Nick took him back to an interrogation room after offering him some coffee. Liv stayed to greet the second orderly coming in and then let Keith take him to the interview room as she withdrew to her office to try and reach the people they still hadn't been in contact with.

Several hours later they'd talked to everyone they'd scheduled to come in to the station. Nurse Sernyak had not been ill willed towards them and given them a lot of useful information about the staff and routines of the hospital. Unlike Rohrbaugh she seemed completely aware of what kind of monster Simon was but she reassured them Simon wasn't treated as though he was at a five star hotel. He wasn't willing to participate in some of the treatment competent doctors had ordinated for him but then that left him locked in a room without any benefits or special treatment. So it wasn't just the glossy treatment facility as Rohrbaugh sometimes liked to paint it as.

Sernyak told them it was okay to call her if she could do anything else to help them out and Nick upped her friendly disposition towards them even further by offer her a ride home as he needed to make a house call to another staff member. They also managed to squeeze in lunch somehow. They'd just sat down to do a briefing and see who they could cross off the suspect list when Liv's phone rang. It was doctor Tennant.

He apologized for not getting in touch earlier, excused it with having been out on his friends boat for the entire weekend for some deep water fishing and apparently the reception had been lousy out on the sea. Yes his wife had been with him as well and yes they'd caught some big fishes. But no, today would not be a good day to talk to the police but he'd be in the city tomorrow and would more than gladly stop by the station then.

Liv gave it a second's thought but then asked him if they could stop by his residence instead. She didn't want him anywhere near Amanda if he was behind this. Tennant didn't hesitate and they decided ten would be a good time. Tennant said he would alert the doorman so they wouldn't run in to any hassle at the entrance.

When they had no more people coming in to the station Liv managed to talk Winters in to going home. She told him she needed him refreshed tomorrow since they had another long night ahead trying to catch the bar hopping rapist. Liv had used the same speech on Nick but noticed that he stalled until Winters had left and then came back in to her office.

"Maybe we could just try to go around to another few on the list?" he suggested. Liv sighed and shook her head at him a little but she couldn't help but smile. She couldn't scold him for being persevering when it came to a colleague's safety.  
>"Okay, let's see if we can catch another few," she agreed, "but I need to check in with Fin first."<br>"Can I hang around or you want me to…" he gestured out towards the squad room.  
>"Stay," she said softly as she picked up the phone.<p>

**Sunday at the Tutuola's household** had started out a little unnerving. She'd still been sleeping on the couch when he finally went to bed. An hour or two later he heard her in the shower and then a couple of hours after that he'd woken up again, this time by an unfamiliar sound that made him get up out of bed.

Her room had been completely lit up but empty and then he'd met her in the hallway as she were walking back there. He'd asked her what was going on but she'd just brushed him off and mumbled something about being thirsty. Something didn't sit right though and he walked out just to have a look around. The lights that he'd left on when he went to bed were still lit. He couldn't see a glass in the sink but she could've had water straight from the tap, he'd seen her drink that way before. He shot a look at the front door. The chain was on. He tried to think back if he'd forgot to put it on or not before bed but he just couldn't recall. He sighed and walked back to her room. He went in to have a look at her but she'd tucked herself in and seemed annoyed when he tried to engage her in some conversation. He asked her if she wanted him to stay, even though Ken's bed was not a king sized as his own both of them had spent a few nights in there together. She'd snipped him off though and he'd felt a little offended as he walked back to his own room but he'd still drifted back to sleep rather easily.

Since they didn't have to set an alarm he'd slept too long, it wasn't unusual for him. Any other day he would've expected her to be out on a run or something else since she rarely slept more than eight hours a night. But since these days really weren't as any others he wanted to get eyes on her as soon as possible and skipped just stretching in bed for a while. The door to the bathroom was open and the room empty. Her bedroom door was open as usual and he couldn't spot her in there. When he walked out and couldn't find her in either the living room or kitchen though he started to get worried. He called out her name as he walked to the door to see if her running shoes were gone. He would hate her for going out on a run on her own right now but then at least he'd know where she was. But her running shoes were still in their usual spot. He saw her regular sneakers as well and the boots they'd collected from the storage downstairs as the fall weather would soon be on their backs.

"Amanda," he called out even louder and started to make his way back down the hall. When he spotted her in the doorframe to her room he felt an odd mix of relief, surprise and anger.

"Where were you?" he asked as he brought her in to his embrace. She just followed like a rag doll and sounded surprised when she said she'd been right there.  
>"Okay well then good," Fin said as he let her go. He'd shoved the hood of her hoodie to the side as he embraced her and he straighten it a little as he tried to get a read on her. The rings under her eyes didn't look worse than yesterday but he still worried she hadn't gotten much sleep and that he should've maybe made sure she had.<p>

"So I'm hungry," he said, "wanna head out for some brunch?"

She immediately got a tiny crease between her eyes. Her bangs were swept to one side so the disapproval was clear on her face.

"Not really _that_ hungry," she tried but Fin had a hard time believing her. He figured she either didn't want to eat or she didn't want to go outside.  
>"Well then just get something light, I'll get dressed," he said and started walking back to his room to not give her room to argue.<p>

"I'm not hungry Fin," she said to his back though.  
>"Then just keep me company," he said and took a detour to the bathroom before he got dressed. He skipped a shower, thought he'd just take one tonight, and instead got dressed. When he got back to her room though she'd tucked herself down again.<p>

"Hey c'mon," he called out.  
>"I'm really tired Fin," she said and Fin couldn't help but smile. <em>So it was going outside that was the problem<em>, he thought to himself.  
>"C'mon, you can sleep later," he said, placing his knee on her bed so he could rub her arm slightly.<br>"Fin," she complained and shrugged him off. He looked at her for a while but then rubbed her arm a little harder.

"We're going outside today Manda," he said, "might as well get through it now."  
>"What? What are you talking about Fin?" she complained and tried shrugging again.<br>"You're clearly stalling which makes me wonder if you're afraid to go outside again."  
>"<em>Again<em>? Are you complaining Fin," she said and pulled the cover over her head.  
>"Not complaining, I'm worried about you Amanda."<p>

"Well you can stop that, you don't have to worry about me any longer," she mumbled from beneath the cover.  
>"You don't get to decide that right now, someone else made that choice for you and I understand that you're scared."<br>"Not scared," she said defiant from the cover.  
>"Okay but<em> I<em> am," Fin confessed, "I'm scared that we don't know who's behind the texts and I'm scared what it's doing to you. You've come so far Amanda, I don't want you to fall back now. I don't want to lose my partner again."

She remained silent under the cover and he just watched her still form until she finally threw the cover off her head.

"Okay then," she said underneath a mess of blonde tassels, "let's go out to feed you."

He smiled as he watched her try and kick off her cover and then helped out as she got tangled up a bit.

"What?" she asked a bit defiant but with a slight smile over her face as she came around the bed and noticed his foolish smile. He grabbed her arm and wheeled her in to his embrace. She struggled a little but not to the point he let her go and then she ended up comfortably in his arms.

"You're the strongest, bravest, most amazing woman I know," he whispered and kissed the top of her hair.  
>"Don't forget smartest," he heard her mumble against his chest and it made him chuckle.<br>"Argh let me go," she complained but he could hear amusement in her voice even though she shoved herself away from him a little brusquely.

She said she needed to use the bathroom before they left and he worried she was still stalling and would find a way to not have to go out after all. He tried to be patient and not let her see his concern as she finally came down the hallway.

"Ready?" he asked and she nodded. It seemed she still struggled with the decision to go outside though. He'd never seen her take such long time to get her sneakers on, not even when her feet were still healing from the burns had it taken this long. He didn't say anything though, just let her take the time she needed to gather herself. He saw her stop plenty of times while she tied her sneakers and just push to fingers together as though she was testing something. Testing something to him obscure though. Still he didn't say anything. Not until her sneakers had been tied for a while and she remained just sitting on the floor observing the scar on her right hand.

"Okay let's go then," he said and pulled her from whatever thought had overwhelmed her. He gave her his hand and helped her up off the floor. She seemed a bit anxious, pushed her hands down the kangaroo pocket in her hoodie and her smile looked awkward.

"Okay?" he asked and it was both a question if she was ready to head outside and if she was okay. She nodded but then gulped slightly as he opened the door.  
>"It will be fine, I'll be right there with you," he said.<br>"I know," she said a bit offended but couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that kept swirling down her gut. _What if someone was watching her? What if someone was waiting for her outside? What if Simon could see her? What if he really could see her? Would he approve of her living? What would he think of her?_

"Amanda?" Fin said as he saw her drift off in her thoughts.  
>"Huh? Yeah, let's just do this," she said gathering all the courage she could find inside herself. They made their way outside and down the hall. He could tell she was tense and he got flashbacks from two years ago when they tried this walk several times and failing each time. This time though it seemed to go rather smoothly so far. She was a little jumpy, looking around at any noise but she kept walking forward and soon they were out on the street.<p>

"Where to?" she asked impatiently as she was looking around as though she was expecting to see someone. It made him look around as well, _what if the guy sending the texts was stalking her too? Maybe he should ask Liv to get a car to sit on her just in case?_

They had grits on the menu at the place he'd planned to take her and he was hoping to get some in her since he knew she liked it. It wasn't too far away but would at least give them a little walk. He took his picks from the menu and then ordered for her as she was mostly staring blindly on the menu and didn't pay the waitress much attention. Unfortunately she paid the food about the same attention and mostly pushed it around the bowl.

He did manage to engage her in some conversation though and even lured a chuckle out of her. They took a stroll after brunch and she seemed to relax a little. That was until her phone buzzed.

"It's him," she said with a shaky voice and Fin could see her hand shake as well. She looked around, searching for anyone that might be watching them as her finger moved over her screen to open up the text from the unknown number.  
>"I can't," she whispered, "I can't read it." She handed her phone to Fin and he threw a quick look at it. He saw the word '<em>redemption'<em>, '_defiled'_ and a Bible reference at the end of the text.

"You wanna head home?" he asked and she nodded eagerly. He kept her phone as they started to walk home. They didn't say much on the way home. He got influenced by her constant watchful eye and found himself looking around as well for anyone that might be following them. The phone buzzed one more time just as they got home and he caught her flinching by the sound.

"What if I call him? Right now?" Fin said feeling really annoyed by the powerlessness to do anything to fight back.  
>"Liv said we shouldn't yet," Amanda reminded him but looked a little engrossed.<p>

"But what if it makes him stop? What if it's all it takes, just hearing someone challenge him?"  
>"What if it makes him go underground? What if he doesn't reach out again? What if he changes methods?"<p>

Amanda looked scared now. She remembered vividly getting that cloth over her mouth, that sweet smell before everything went black. Waking up hanging from the ceiling. Feeling sore all over and cold, so very cold.

Fin just watched her for a while, realizing he couldn't act on emotions right now, they had to be smarter than that. He gave her a nod and she went further inside the apartment while he put the chain on the door. He figured it would be best to stay inside for the rest of the day. He'd know where she was, she would be able to relax a little and hopefully Liv would check in with some good news later on.

But news wouldn't be good, news would be no real news. Yes Liv was able to cross a few suspects off the list but they were still plenty of names on it and the most likely one was still keeping himself inaccessible for the police. Outrageous. And that's what Fin told Liv. She didn't object but told him doctor Tennant had sounded very willing to talk to them and she would take Nick with her to see him in the morning.

He let her know about the new texts and asked her if TARU had any luck. She let him know they'd managed to track some of the numbers to a certain brand of disposable phones but since they were really common it would be hard to track them further. He raised the idea with her about answering one of the texts. He could do it, posing as Amanda and just see if they got a response. Liv said they could talk more about it in the morning, she felt it was best to talk to the hospital staff first just to not warn them the police was investigating.

Fin didn't say it out loud but he was pretty sure if it was someone at the hospital they already knew the police was on the case after the spectacle Simon had raised during the interview. Liv had given him a little more details than she'd given Amanda about what had taken place. And if Broadmare was anything like their station everyone working there probably knew about the intrusive guests that had graced their hospital.

Amanda had spent some time tucked down in her bed after they came back from brunch. He'd tried different approaches to lure her out of her room but nothing had worked. If she wasn't tucked in or hovered over a book she was hiding in the curtains spying out on the street even though she said she was only watching the clouds go by. After Liv had checked in he'd gone in to tell her what little he had to tell her but after that he'd at least managed to talk her in to help him make dinner. Of course she'd added she wasn't hungry but he'd learnt to discard from that by now.

Since none of them were whizzes in the kitchen he'd found a recipe he tried to follow. Amanda was always on him to eat more vegetables so he let her be in charge of the greens. He put some music on and as they chopped and cooked they managed to relax for a while and they found themselves getting in to some of their usual banter. Fin chuckled extra heartfelt when Amanda gave him a real slam and he tossed a slice of potato her way which made her laugh in a most delightful way.

Fin treasured that they managed to keep the easy-going mood even once they were done preparing dinner. He smiled as he watched Amanda set the counter. It had been a while since she'd done that, at least the more advanced way by folding napkins a little neatly by their plates and arranging the utensils next to it. She'd told him once that she used to do it that way with her sister as they were kids.

If Kim had been a little upset about them being on their own and maybe if they were left with very little food Amanda had pretended that they were having a fancy dinner. She'd set the table for them and then they'd pretended they were princesses in their very own make believe castle. Kim got to decide which color their dresses were and how many frills their skirts had. Amanda had been in charge of changing whatever crumbs they had on their plates. The frozen peas would be magic teardrops shed by the king oaks in the enchanted forest just for them, the princesses of Loganville. The canned tuna was rainbow fishes that swam up a stream and through a net to shred themselves for them.

Fin was amazed by the young Amanda's imagination and the few times she let him have glimpses of her childhood he always enjoyed them even when they were hard to listen to. There was always a tragic backstory to every glimpse but Amanda always seemed to be able to tell it without bitterness. As though she was back there in her childhood for a few moments and all she could feel was happiness to relive a more innocent time with her sister still around.

Tonight though he didn't get one of those glimpses but he still enjoyed the time they spent together. She teased him about the poor season his favorite football team had so far and even though he pretended to act offended he secretly enjoyed it. They ended up on the couch after dinner, leaving the dishes for later or perhaps tomorrow. She'd eaten more than he'd seen her eat for a few days now but since she hadn't had much more today he figured she really needed it.

It made her feel stuffed though and it didn't take long until she fell asleep next to him on the couch. He knew he could leave her there, that the couch was a pretty decent surface but he preferred she spent the night in a proper bed and he carefully lifted her up in his arms. He hesitated outside her room but then continued down to his own room and just as carefully put her down with her head on one of his pillows. He let her stay dressed and covered her with the light blanket that was on the foot of his bed.

He sat down beside her for a few minutes and just watched her as he stroke away some strands of hair from her face. He traced her eyebrows with his fingers and then went down the side of her cheek. He wanted to be able to just enjoy the moment of seeing her peaceful but Simon and whatever bastard he'd managed to coax to torment her ruined that for him. _Why could he not let her be? Wasn't it enough she carried the memories of him? Did he have to make himself even more present?_

**Monday morning they** were all getting ready on their own ends at about the same time. Liv woke up in her own bed, alone and her thoughts immediately went to doctor Tennant and the encounter with him that awaited her within a few hours. She wondered what kind of man she would meet. _Would it be another doctor Rohrbaugh and would she have to crawl for him? She would if she had to to get to the truth. Would he be the one? Would he be the one that was sending texts to Amanda to either get material for his next book or because Simon had manipulated him?_ Either way she would get to the truth today and as she went through the momentum of her morning she thought of ways to get to the truth.

Nick also woke up alone in his bed and laid there listening to the silence for a while. He missed waking up next to someone but most of all he missed the luxury of waking up in the same place as his daughter every new morning. He hoped his son would want to stay the night at some point, he was old enough to make up his own mind now and Nick would lie if he didn't admit it hurt that he chose not to spend time with his father. He felt robbed of the opportunity to be a father to him and now he felt robbed by Maria for moving his daughter all the way to California. The job helped with the loneliness and just getting through the day. Today would be a big day. They had the interview with Tennant first and then tonight they were doing the decoy operation again. _He wondered how Amanda was dealing with everything. _

Keith didn't wake up alone and not in his own bed either. He looked at the strange surroundings for a while, it looked very different in the daylight even though he hadn't really spent much time looking around at all when he got there last night. He rolled over on his side and looked down into the face he _did_ spend a lot of time observing last night. He couldn't help but caress her face and the brunettes eyelashes flickered open. They exchanged good mornings and he watched her stretch out her partly covered body.

He smiled and caressed her face again but this time she grabbed it as she declared she had to get ready for work. He knew he had to as well so it was no big deal but when he asked her if he could call her later her frowning face gave him the answer even before she said it. It had just been a one night stand for her and he tried to pretend that it didn't hurt as he got dressed and sneaked out of her apartment. He was grateful they had a busy day today.

Fin slowly woke up and the sensation of Amanda's warm body against his own made him feel good. His arm laid heavy over her curled up body in front of him and their hands were connected. Once he managed to open his eyes though reality set in and it did its best to invade the good feeling he had. The sight of her clammy neck and her tousled hair made him recall the ghastly night they'd just fought through. Even though she was sleeping her hand almost had a frantic grip around his own.

When he swallowed he could taste blood in his mouth and his tongue went directly to the cut he knew he had in his lower lip. Her nightmares had gotten so animated lately, they reminded him a lot of the ones she had years ago. He knew he wasn't the one she fought but it still pained him to be the one that had to sustain the blows as he tried to rip her from whatever terror had her in her sleep. It didn't pain him physically, he'd take any cuts and bruises, no it was the pain inside that was harder to deal with. He was back to wondering if she would ever experience another night without horrific nightmares.

He reluctantly tore himself from her, he did it as carefully as possible hoping she would be able to get a little more much needed sleep. He knew he couldn't let her sleep much longer though, she had an appointment with her psychiatrist, doctor Elizabeth Olivet, in less than two hours. He knew she'd rescheduled last week's appointment so it was important she went today. He knew there were things he couldn't help her through but that he hoped Olivet could help her with.

She usually didn't try to get out of Olivet's appointments but today, just like the last couple of weeks, she again tried to come up with reasons to blow it off. He had answers for all of them though and drove the car decisively towards Olivet's practice with a dispirited partner by his side. The situation wasn't helped by the fact he would wait for her outside to make sure she got to the station safely afterwards and it made her feel even more coddled, something she hadn't been even as a toddler and would prefer never to be.

He shouted after her through an open car window that he would park just across the street and he caught the glare she threw him over her shoulder. He stayed until he'd seen her go in to the high glass building, something made him worried she would try and flee and he would've preferred to ride up with her all the way to Olivet's door. He would've actually preferred to stay with her. He had this uncanny feeling she wasn't safe anywhere except for with him.

Just as Amanda made her way up the tall building, uncomfortably crowded in the elevator by business suits and a few other plain clothed people much like herself, Liv and Nick walked through the grand entrance to doctor Tennant's apartment building. As they flashed their badges to the doorman and was guided over to an impressive mirror elevator while the doorman told them he would announce their arrival to doctor Tennant, Amanda made yet another tiresome stop on her way up to Olivet's floor. _At least the crowd thinned out_, she thought to herself as so many times before.

Before she'd reached the right floor Liv and Nick's elevator had arrived and brought them upstairs. They reached Tennant's floor and saw a young woman in a black and white uniform wait for them by an open door.

"This way for doctor Tennant's office please," she smiled softly for them and gestured them inwards. Liv and Nick stepped inside the noble Manhattan residence that also functioned as Tennant's private practice just as Amanda let out a heavy sigh as she read the now familiar letters on the door in front of her. Doctor Elizabeth Olivet, M.D.

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><p>*DUN-DUN*<p> 


	5. Chapter 5: Peril

I love reading your reviews and I love when you figure things out even though they're not really spelled out :)  
>I've borrowed a lot of what Dr Tennant says from Scott A Bonn, he's examined criminal motives and behavior and I find his views on psychopaths and sociopaths interesting. He has a column called "Wicked deeds" on Psychology Today if you want to read more fromof him.  
>There's a lot of dialogue in this chapter, I hope you don't find it boring. A lot of detective work. No real warnings in this chapter. Happy reading!<p>

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><p><strong>Chapter 5: Peril<strong>

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><p><em>When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves<em>. ~ Victor Frankl

* * *

><p>Amanda stepped through the door to doctor Elizabeth Olivet's small practice. Suddenly it felt just like two years ago, those first couple of grueling months when doctor Olivet's practice was the last place she wanted to be at. When Olivet was just one of many people she hated to be observed by but one of the few she felt could see right through her which made her even more of a threat.<p>

She would probably never get used to being probed or having to open up but after a few months it didn't feel as uncomfortable any longer. Olivet wasn't as intrusive as she thought shrinks would be, her humor was a bit dry but she was okay. Amanda realized rather quickly though that she was sneaky, that you had to watch yourself cause she had a way of figuring things out by asking rather innocent questions but then reading between the lines as you answered them.

So Amanda knew to keep guarded. There were things she just couldn't let Olivet know even though she might like her a bit. Amanda had been stabbed in the back by people she liked, there were just things you couldn't tell others, that they wouldn't understand. Things that would make they understand just how screwed up you really was.

She could lie about a lot of things to herself but there was one thing she didn't hide from herself. She was screwed up. She was an SVU detective but still withheld it had been nothing wrong with her, at only 14, to sleep with a grown man. That went against everything they worked for in her squad and she just knew Olivia questioned her judgment whenever they had a case of under aged girls with older men. Even Amanda questioned herself, how could Olivia not? But she could still not see Danny as a perpetrator.

So that was one thing she kept from Olivet. Talking about Gordon and that dreadful night she'd been forced to spend alone with him was another thing she rather not talk about with Olivet. But Olivet knew that secret, at least she knew parts of it and it meant Olivia at some point had to have talked to Olivet. A notion that didn't sit well with Amanda, it made her feel conspired at. If Amanda hadn't collected that evidence, the scraping from underneath her fingernails and the semen Gordon had left on her and that had dried up and been useless anyway, then maybe not even Olivia would have known. She would've been able to keep that horrible experience buried in that dark pit inside of her.

In the pit where other indiscretions and matters that were just too hard to handle rested. Memories from her childhood that were worse than getting punched and humiliated by her mother. Things and actions she had to endure to get her sister off the hook or to get them food or shelter when their mom felt like just kicking them out of _her_ house. It was a lot of things in her life she wasn't proud of and as long as they stayed down in that dark pit she could at least breathe.

"Amanda, nice to see you," Olivet said as soon as she stepped inside. She'd been standing by the desk in the waiting room. Amanda shot her a smile as her throat felt closed up right now.

"Come right in, I had a cancellation before you," Olivet said and gestured her inside.

As usual Olivet offered her a glass of water but Amanda shook her off and instead took a seat in her usual spot. She kept her jacket on and she could tell Olivet threw her a glance as she walked over to her desk to fetch her pen and notepad. She wished she could relax a little, she just knew Olivet would see right through her, she would know something was wrong.

"So I missed you last week…" Olivet said as she came back over.

She sat down and folded her legs as she usually did before she put her pad down on her lap. Amanda had observed her plenty of times, she figured she had a right to figure out her quirks just like she'd probably picked up on Amanda's.

"Last time we did see each other though," Olivet said when Amanda didn't say anything, "you seemed a little distant and I can't help but get the same feeling today. Is something bothering you Amanda?"

Amanda shot the doctor a look, she didn't want to tell the doctor that it had all started over. That the nightmares were back in full swing, that she mistrusted everyone around her and that she didn't feel like either eating or doing any of her usual diversions. She would probably look as miserable as Fin, and she'd be disappointed. Amanda didn't feel like disappointing more people. She tried a shrug, hoping Olivet would move on but knew she probably wouldn't.

"Is it job related? I know that girl Hailey was on your mind a lot not long ago," Olivet said.

_Hailey_. Amanda sighed. _She'd completely forgotten about her. How selfish could you be? She hadn't checked in on her for weeks now. The last text had been just as Simon's started. Or whoever it was that kept texting her. She'd completely forgotten about Hailey the second things got tough. She really was a selfish bitch. Her mom was right. Had been right. Her mom…_

Olivet had kept watching Amanda's face as she seemed to drift off in to her own thoughts and she got a little startled as Amanda suddenly gasped rather loudly. The next second Amanda got up on her feet but then seemed unsure what exactly to do.

"What is it Amanda? What just happened?" Olivet asked, uncrossing her legs so she could lean forward a bit.

Amanda kept looking a little bewildered, like she was pulled different ways by conflicting feelings.

"Amanda?" Olivet had to say again.  
>"I… I need to… t-tell my Sergeant something," Amanda stuttered.<p>

"Okay," Olivet smiled softly, "could it hold off for 55 minutes you think? Or is it that urgent?"  
>"I… maybe, I mean it may be a <em>little<em> urgent," Amanda seemed really torn and distressed.  
>"<em>May<em> be? So maybe it could wait just 55 minutes?" Olivet suggested.

She knew the detective have urgent matters and cases she probably worked on but she also knew Amanda well by now and wondered if this was just a way to get to leave her practice early.

"I guess…" Amanda looked at her watch instead of completing the sentence. It was just passed ten, Olivia would be at doctor Tennants now, she probably wouldn't answer her phone and maybe it wasn't _that_ urgent after all. She just couldn't forget, she had to tell Liv what she'd just recalled. Amanda slowly sat down again, and Olivet tried to hide that she felt very pleased.

"Can you tell me what's going on Amanda?" Olivet asked.

She wasn't sure if something really was bothering Amanda or if it was just a case of not wanting to be here, or maybe a little of both since the first often had company by trying to be evasive in one way or another.

"What's going on Amanda?" Olivet asked knowing sometimes you just had to be persistent with Amanda.

Amanda swallowed hard and was able to look at the doctor.

"I'm getting messages," Amanda managed to say. It came out a little weaker than she'd liked it to, she didn't want to alarm the doctor. It wasn't such a big deal.  
>"Messages?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded.<br>"On my phone. Texts," Amanda said and felt the phone pressed up against her ribs where it laid in her jacket pocket and underneath her arm that she was hugging tight for some reason.

"Who is sending you texts Amanda?" Olivet tried to get a grip of what was going on.  
>"We don't know," Amanda answered.<br>"We? So your squad knows?" Olivet asked and felt a little relieved when Amanda nodded. Olivet wouldn't have been surprised if the answer had been no, Amanda just had such a hard time to ask for help.

"What type of texts?"

Amanda shrugged like it was no big deal but when she spoke Olivet got a whole other picture of what really was going on.

"Threats. Quotes," Amanda said quietly fidgeting a little on the sleeve of her jacket.  
>"That sounds scary," Olivet said, "What kind of quotes?"<p>

"You know… quotes from…," she spoke so quiet Olivet had a hard time hearing her.  
>"From where Amanda?" she had to ask.<br>"The bible," Amanda said and seemed almost startled by just how loud she said it.

"Like… he did?" Olivet asked. 'He' was Simon. Amanda had a hard time saying his name and Olivet had seen how sick it made her just hearing his name so they used 'he' or 'him' which made their sessions a bit hard to follow at times. Amanda nodded and put her head down again.

"For how long? For how long have you received the texts Amanda?"  
>"Like… a few weeks," Amanda whispered.<p>

Olivet didn't question it even though she understood Amanda had been to see her since the texts started and chosen to withhold it. Olivet got an understanding to why Amanda had been so withdrawn last and why her notes contained words like 'uncommunicative' and 'detached'.

"But it can't be him sending the texts right?" Olivet asked but Amanda just shrugged.  
>"Amanda," Olivet said, raising her voice a little as she needed Amanda to focus just a little bit better right now.<p>

"What?" Amanda frowned a little.  
>"It can't be him right?"<br>"We don't know. I told you," Amanda sounded a little annoyed.

"But you're investigating it I take, what do you know so far?"  
>"Not much," Amanda said and tried to show as little emotions as possible.<p>

She wasn't even sure how she felt about all of this._ Maybe it wasn't such a big deal? Maybe it was just a nut job having some fun on her expense? _

"How are you feeling about all of this Amanda?"  
>"How am I supposed to feel?" Amanda asked without looking at Olivet.<br>"I think you're allowed to feel a numerous of ways," Olivet said after giving it some thought, "I would imagine fear being a very possible reaction. I would also imagine something like that could evoke some very raw and unnerving emotions that you've been doing your very best to keep bottled-up."

Sometimes Amanda got both blown away as well as frightened just how much insight Olivet seemed to have in to her psyche. This was one of those times. It felt good to not have to say it out loud herself but a part of her also got scared that Olivet knew more than Amanda wanted her to. And by saying 'bottled-up' Olivet knew she hadn't dealt with her emotions properly.

Amanda nodded carefully.

"You recognize those emotions?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded again.  
>"What are you doing to deal with them?"<p>

"Do you talk to Fin about them?" Olivet asked when Amanda stayed quiet. She got a slight shrug back.  
>"Amanda you're not doing anything hurtful to yourself I hope?" Olivet said worrying Amanda had slipped back to some of her destructive outlets.<p>

They'd touched on the subject a little over a year ago. Olivet just had a hunch Amanda had a history of self-harming. Amanda was reluctant to talk about her childhood but Olivet could tell she had a need to talk about Kim and while talking about the deceased sister Olivet got snippets of a childhood that seemed nothing less than grim. Sergeant Benson had hinted there had been severe abuse in the Rollins household and that the still living mother was the culprit while her drunken dad stood mostly idle by and let it happen.

Treating Amanda was a slippery slope with many forbidden paths of things you could not mention and with a constant threat of Amanda closing down or literally running out. The first couple of months she'd probably run out of more sessions than she'd stayed in but Olivet was pleased that she kept turning up to the next session even though she was obviously embarrassed for her, what Amanda felt, immature behavior. Olivet knew that captain Cragen demanded therapy as well and it was no question Amanda had great respect for the aging man, she sang his praises often.

But even though it was a long time since Amanda ran out on a session she still had ways to flee. She could go absent-minded, sometimes completely shut her surroundings off and Olivet's strategy was to just wait her out until those eyelashes flickered and the veil was lifted from her eyes. It was during those shut-downs Olivet noticed Amanda scratching her wrist, rubbing her knuckles against bone or pinching herself through her long sleeves.

Sometimes she even drew blood and it gave Olivet a way in to touch on the subject as Amanda couldn't hide the fact she was bleeding.

Olivet learnt that Amanda from a young age had indulged herself in self-harming. She exercised excessively, used starving to at least feel something when the rest of her felt numb and that she stopped cutting herself as some of the girls in her softball team noticed it and the last thing she needed was to make herself weirder than she already was.

The only answer she could give to why she did those things was that she felt numb inside and at least the pain made her feel things. When Olivet suggested it might have something to do with her mom's cruel treatment or feeling abandoned by, and later grieving, her father Amanda immediately got defensive. She could take care of herself and it was nothing was two regular excuses she used to mitigate her mother's abuse.

Amanda didn't try to hide the fact though that she'd done despicable things to catch her sister's killer, that she just didn't care what happen to herself. She never dove that much further though but Olivet picked up drug use and sexual favors or escapades from the snippets Amanda gave her from her time on the rogue.

"Amanda," Olivet had to address her again to get her attention and when she had it she asked again; "How are you dealing with those feelings?"  
>"I'm not okay," Amanda answered a bit defensively.<br>"You're not?" Olivet questioned.  
>"I don't know how to feel, let alone what do to," Amanda said and let out a chuckle, "I'm completely useless. All I'm able to do is sit there and receive those texts. Redemption, retribution, salvation. It's happening all over again. I can't do anything but let it happen."<p>

"Let what happen?"  
>"Be a fucking victim," Amanda spat out. She'd closed her fists and she could feel her own nails dig in to her palm in a way that hurt but at the same time took away some of the anger she felt inside.<p>

Olivet just observed Amanda, waited to see if she would say anything more. Amanda just kept her eyes focused on a spot somewhere below the table between them and Olivet could see she was gnawing at her lip which could mean she had more to say but tried to stop herself from sharing whatever was on her mind. Olivet knew Amanda had a real problem seeing herself as a victim. She wasn't a victim of her mother's abuse cause she'd managed to walk out of that home on her own two feet and she wasn't a victim of the Mayhem choker merely because she'd survived.

That was the Amanda Rollins' logic and Olivet couldn't pretend she didn't find it fascinating. Here was a detective who met and cared for victims every day. Someone that showed great compassion, resilience and devotion to help these victims with everything she had and perhaps even more than that but she was darn stubborn to not call herself a victim.

"So what can we do for you to be able to handle what's going on?" Olivet asked and she caught Amanda's sigh. The sigh could be a combating response but Olivet had a feeling it had to do with the 'we' bit. Amanda had complained about Olivet using _we_ many times. _What do you mean we? I'm the one who has to deal with it, I'm the one that just have to white-knuckle it._ They'd had that conversation plenty of times.

"_I_ can't do anything until we catch whatever creep is doing this," Amanda moaned.  
>"But we can work on how you deal with the emotions Amanda. We can try and deal with them until you catch the <em>creep<em>," Olivet said calming.

Olivet caught Amanda's brief and faint smile. She knew Amanda liked when she used her words, she'd said once that it was amusing to see unsophisticated words coming out of a sophisticated mouth. Olivet had thanked her for the compliment and it had made Amanda blush slightly.

"How can you deal Amanda?"  
>"I can… <em>not<em> go off the deep end," Amanda sounded a bit speculative.

"Are you afraid you'll go off the deep end?" Olivet questioned.  
>"No," Amanda said sounding a bit offended but then her eyes shyly peeked up at the doctor, "…maybe?"<p>

Amanda swallowed hard and stirred a little on the couch. _Damn this couch was uncomfortable today_.

"That's what they are worried about," Amanda said quietly and avoided to look at the doctor.  
>"They?"<br>"Fin… Olivia… Nick," Amanda sighed heavily.  
>"Do you think they have reason to be worried?"<br>"No. I don't know okay," Amanda rearranged herself on the couch again, "But no, I'm not going to break down. I'm just going to let them help out, let them investigate and do my part, try and do my best with the other cases to help out with the case load."

"You'll work as a team," Olivet suggested.  
>"As an army," Amanda whispered but then cleared her throat to be able to speak up, "I'll be fine. I have to be fine."<p>

"You don't have to be fine all the time Amanda. It's okay to break down at times, to lean on others. It was makes us human."  
>"I don't want to be human," Amanda mumbled and Olivet had to smile.<br>"I know you don't like to think of yourself as human Amanda but you are and there's no way around it. Humans cry, we break down, we ask for help and sometimes have to accept help even when we don't ask for it. Sometimes it's easier for an outsider to see when something is troubling a… fellow human being."

"You think I'm troubled?" Amanda asked peeking up at Olivet from underneath her bangs again.  
>"Yeah, yeah I do Amanda," Olivet answered honestly and caught Amanda's frown as she shied away again, "but it's expected Amanda. And it's okay. What you went through… the fact you were able to go back to work, and so soon, that's remarkable and a proof of how strong you are Amanda. But even strong people gets troubled, even strong people need help at times and it's only really strong people who can accept that help. That knows better than to fight by themselves when they have that army backing them up."<p>

Olivet let her words sink in a little, had more to say though but Amanda interrupted her.

"I'm not that strong," she whispered so quiet Olivet just barely heard her.  
>"You have to convince me of that Amanda. Give me a reason why you're not strong," Olivet challenged.<p>

Amanda sat quiet for a while but Olivet gave her time.

"I couldn't keep my sister safe," she finally whispered.  
>"You did for close to thirty years Amanda. You kept her safe even when it wasn't your job, even when it wasn't your job to keep yourself safe you still made it your job to keep her safe. What happened to your sister was out of your hands Amanda. I'm so sorry you lost your sister Amanda but it wasn't your fault and however way you twist it it will never, <em>ever<em> be your fault."

Amanda sat completely still, tried to focus her eyes on that small stain underneath the table on Olivet's rug but her sister's present felt all too real. She could still hear her small, bare feet paddle against the cold floor when she tried to sneak up on her in the mornings. That girl could not sneak if her life depended on it. She could hear that slightly panicked laughter that escaped her throat when Amanda turned to scare her just as she was behind her back. That laughter that turned only heartfelt once Amanda started to tickle her. And she could feel those small hands, that soft skin that constantly broke your boundaries. That never knew when enough was enough or where the line between them was. Even though Amanda tried her best to teach her she just never learnt and it was the one lesson she actually was glad Kim never learnt. The hugs kept coming even when she did her best to try and pretend she didn't want, or need, them. Her face snuggled in to her neck even when she said those harsh words to try to get rid of her. No it hadn't been just Amanda being there for Kim. Kim had been there for her too but now…

"I really have to go tell my Sergeant that thing…" Amanda mumbled but felt unable to get up off the couch right now which gave Olivet a chance to ask her one more thing.  
>"Just tell me one thing Amanda," Olivet hurried to say, "tell me one thing you can do to process what's going on in a way that's not going to be hurtful to yourself."<p>

Amanda tried to think which wasn't easy when her head was filled with a time of bare feet, soft hands and cuddles, a time that was forever lost and made her feel like crying.

"I could…" she tried but had to start over, "I could maybe let Olivia… or Fin maybe, let them know I'm feeling a little… scared?"  
>"You could do that?" Olivet asked hopefully.<br>"Maybe."  
>"Okay, I'll take that," Olivet said, "You're going to do your best to really let Olivia or Fin, or both of them, know that, if they don't already know, that these texts are troubling you. That you're feeling a bit scared. That you might be feeling a little scared of whoever is sending the texts but also how you deal with feelings that are resurfacing. Right?"<p>

Amanda nodded a little carefully.

"I want you to come in next week already, okay? With everything going on I think it's a good idea that we don't wait two weeks to see each other. Is that okay with you?"

Again Amanda just nodded as she was afraid something else than words would fall out if she opened her mouth right now.

"I'll mail you my openings as usual and you'll choose which time that works for you?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded as she managed to get up off the couch.

"Amanda," Olivet called for her attention again before she could reach the door. Amanda bit her lip as she turned back around.  
>"If you need me you know you can always call me," she said seriously, "And know that I have faith in <em>you<em> Amanda. You're strong and you have your army to lean on, don't forget that."

Amanda nodded and then quickly ducked out of doctor Olivet's office.

* * *

><p><em>When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?<em> (**Psalm 56:3-4**)

* * *

><p>Aaron Tennant gave a clean and proper first impression. He didn't seem to hide the fact he was aging but the grey hair and mustache was neatly trimmed. The thick black rimmed glasses looked both stylish and efficient as his eyes got a bit of that fishbowl effect through them. He was dressed down casually but still managed to look proper. The moment they entered his office he got up out of his chair and came around his desk with an extended hand and a welcoming smile across his face.<p>

He thanked the maid for bringing his guests to him which made him seem a bit humble and with some charm behind that neat exterior. He shook their hands properly with just the right amount of pressure and held on just long enough to make it welcoming but not intrusive.

"Please, come on in. Can we get you something? Coffee, tea, water," Tennant offered.  
>"I wouldn't mind some tea," Liv said as she figured that would make their stay a little longer and she really wanted the time to study Tennant. Nick agreed to some tea as well and while Liv looked around the room a little she listened to Tennant ask his maid for three cups of that special brand someone named Leslie brought for him last week.<p>

The room was huge with a high ceiling. It was light with classy art hanging on the white walls. Two large windows took up most of one wall and underneath it stood a single arm chair and one of those typical lounge chairs that you would expect to find at a shrink's office. And the two chairs matched. The wall opposite the windows was covered with massive bookshelves that held mostly thick cloth backed books but also some more unusual items like a skull of some animal and a stuffed squirrel looking a little surprised with an acorn in its paw. Liv figured it might actually capture exactly how the squirrel had looked as it was faced with its own death. Tennant's desk was huge but definitely not cluttered. It only held a few frames, a pen holder, a desk cover and a thin manila file.

"Please have a seat," Tennant said once he'd sent the maid on her way.  
>"Nice office," Liv said not wanting to dive right in to why they were there, "Is that your children?"<p>

She gestured to one of the frames on his desk, it was facing sideways so guests or patients could see it as well and Liv had a suspicion it was meant to be seen.

"Thank you sergeant," Tennant said smiling, "yes, yes that's my children. Astoria and Ashton. The picture is a couple of years old now though, they are both well through their teens now. Do you have any children sergeant?"

Olivia shook her head.

"I have two as well," Nick jumped in.  
>"Teenagers?" Tennant quizzed.<br>"Son just turned fourteen," Nick said.  
>"Ah exciting times. Well any age really," Tennant smiled.<p>

"So you take clients in here? You don't feel awkward bringing them in to your own home?" Liv asked trying to not sound patronizing.  
>"To tell you the truth," Tennant said leaning in over his desk, "The clients I meet in here aren't that difficult. Its high end clients, high achievers, stress related symptoms, a few couples needing some work on their marriage. It's to be honest easy pickins from the clients I really love working with."<p>

"The psychopaths?" Liv suggested and Tennant sat back with a somewhat cagey smile over his face.  
>"Yes the psychopaths," he said.<p>

"Tell me doctor what's the different between a psychopath and a sociopath?" Nick asked.

It was a genuine question, he'd never really gotten a grip on the difference.

"Ah well it's a good question," Tennant sat back up again, seemed eager to fill the detective in, "The similarities between the two are vast for sure but it's the select differences that really distinguish the two. And one of the two might actually kill you."

At that point the maid came back in through the half opened door carrying a tray with three cups and Tennant got up to help her out. Liv shot Nick a glance, he too looked a bit alarmed about what Tennant had just told them while sounding rather amused.

"I think you'll really like this tea, I've heard no one complain so far," Tennant said as he went around Liv to put a cup down in front of her. The maid put down a cup for Nick and then placed sugar and milk next to the guests on the desk while Tennant took the last cup off the tray and went around the desk again.

"Thank you Sophie, will you please shut the door behind you," Tennant smiled at his maid.  
>"Of course doctor Tennant," the woman said and soon the door closed on the three of them.<p>

"So the difference…" Nick reminded the doctor as he seemed more intrigued with his tea at this point.  
>"Ah yes, well the key traits between them both are a disregard for laws and social mores, a disregard for the rights of others, a failure to feel remorse or guilt and a tendency to display violent behavior. But while the sociopaths tend to be nervous and easily agitated, the psychopaths usually have charming personalities and they learn to mimic emotions despite their inability to actually feel them. To unsuspecting people they often appear normal. Sociopaths have a hard time holding down a steady job and when they do commit crimes they tend to be haphazard, disorganized and spontaneous rather than planned. Psychopaths carefully plan out every detail in advance and often even have contingency plans in place. It wouldn't be wrong to call them cool, calm, and meticulous."<p>

"And the cause of psychopathy is different than the cause of sociopathy right? At least that's what your profession thinks right?" Liv asked.  
>"Impressive sergeant," Tennant smiled and then had a quick taste of his tea before he continued, "Yes I do believe psychopathy is the result of nature, genetics, while sociopathy is the result of nurture, the environment. I strongly believe we're talking about psychopathy being related to a physiological defect that results in the underdevelopment of the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotions. Sociopathy, on the other hand, is more likely the product of childhood trauma and physicalemotional abuse."

"But Simon Ferguson seems to have endured both physical and emotional abuse growing up, but you call him a psychopath right?" Nick had to ask.  
>"I would definitely label him a psychopath but you have to go case by case detective, it's still individuals we're dealing with and you have to look to the greater picture," Tennant said linking his hands underneath his chin.<p>

"But the court labeled him mentally ill, unfit to stand trial," Liv chipped in, "Psychopaths are fit to stand trial right?"  
>"Yes, yes they are. Psychopathic serial killers such as Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy were entirely aware of the illegality of murder while they were in the process of killing their victims. Their overwhelming desire and compulsion to kill caused them to ignore the criminal law with impunity. There are very few serial killers that suffers from any mental illness to such a debilitating extent that they are considered to be insane by the criminal justice system. To be classified as legally insane, an individual must be unable to comprehend that an action is against the law at the exact moment the action is undertaken. But I'm sure you already are aware of that," Tennant unhinged his hands to grab his tea cup again.<p>

"But why was Simon classified as legally insane then?" Liv was intrigued now.

Back then she had just been a bit relieved Amanda wouldn't have to go through a trail. She really didn't think much about anything else except Amanda being safe and that Simon would be locked up for a long, long time.

"I don't want to rack down on anyone but I would not have come to the same conclusion as the court did. I can understand the ruling though, Simon is manipulative and he insists, still to this day, that he acted only out of mercy, that it wasn't murder. But he did in fact murder more than his so-called angels and he can pretend to be unaware but it's my full belief he was aware while committing those five acts that it was in fact murder."

Tennant sat back a little in his chair and a smile spread across his face.

"I do enjoy discussing the matter of psychopaths as you can probably tell but I'm really curious to know what brings you here. What brings the NYPD to my humble abode, and to Broadmare from what doctor Rohrbaugh informed me. I of course understand it's about Simon and that you have a court order that forces me to cooperate, which isn't a problem at all, I'd do anything to help out but I'm just curious to know what's going on," Tennant said.

"A offence has come to our attention, a transgression that fits Simon's pattern a lot and we just want to make sure he's not involved in any way," Liv said watching her words a little.  
>"Does this offence or transgression involve your colleague Amanda?"<br>"Why do you ask that?" Liv countered immediately.  
>"Call it a hunch," Tennant smiled with a light shrug.<p>

"What do you know about Amanda?" Liv asked.  
>"Just what Simon's told me. He talks about Shay though, I mean he calls her Shay most often. He makes it seems like this Shay character is a bit different from your colleague Amanda but maybe that's just a part of being undercover. That you need to adapt your personality to the circumstances I mean," Tennant said having some more of his tea. Liv had put her cup down on the desk but Nick was still drinking his and followed Tennants lead as he took a gulp.<p>

"What does Simon say about Shay or Amanda?" Liv asked.  
>"There's this, somewhat strange, proudness in his voice when he talks about her. I think he has great respect for her."<p>

"Respect?" Nick had to question, "He tried to kill her, he almost succeeded."  
>"We're talking about a psychopath here detective, there's really no reasoning. His crimes were cold-blooded no question about it, he's sinister, no other word to describe it. The fact he seems to feel a bond to her makes him somewhat extraordinary though. I've actually seen glimpses of regrets in him when we discuss her. I believe he thinks she possesses some of that superhuman excellence that he himself holds and it actually makes him able to relate to her. And I don't mean relate like we are able to do right here and now but relate on some to Simon accessible level."<p>

"But he's a threat to her still right?" Liv asked.

Tennant took a few moments to think her question over.

"I don't know how to answer that one. I think _he_ would say no to that. He says she's meant to be alive but he often talks about what could've. By that I mean, well psychopaths crave control and he pictured her death so many times in his head and he still has that predatory instinct. If he got the chance I do think he would still take the opportunity to finish what he started."

"So he's incurable?" Liv asked.

A facetious smile spread across Tennant's face.

"If you asked my colleague Rohrbaugh he would say _of course not_," he smiled.

"But I'm asking you doctor Tennant," Liv challenged really wanting an answer.  
>"And I say adult psychopaths can be treated or managed but not cured. Simon doesn't fear punishment, he's not bothered by social stigmatization. Nothing like that works on him. He's indifferent to the expectations of society and rejects its condemnation of his criminal behavior. He's callous and unemotional and simply do not respond to punishment the way that normal people do. That however doesn't mean that I don't try to reform or rehabilitate Simon."<p>

"Would you say he's intelligent? I mean could he outsmart someone?" Nick asked curiously.  
>"Manipulative yes, not necessarily of higher intelligence though. There's this misconception that serial killers are of higher intelligence but we now know that it is more likely that obsession, meticulous planning and a cold-blooded, often psychopathic personality are what enable serial killers to operate over long periods of time without detection. Simon displays all of those characteristics."<p>

Tennant's eyes had narrowed slightly behind his glasses as he spoke and now he leaned forward again as he asked;

"Are you wondering if he could talk someone in to running his errands?"  
>"Yeah, that's what we're wondering," Liv admitted.<p>

"Well he could easily talk one of the other inmates in to doing something inexcusable. Some are easily incited. He'd caused some commotion during his stay at Broadmare already but to talk an orderly…"  
>"Or psychiatrist," Nick added.<p>

Liv silently wished Nick wouldn't have said that out loud just yet.

"You think _I_ would do something to her?" Tennant immediately asked.

It was quite clear he had not considered that they saw him as a suspect.

"Oh I assure you, I could never hurt another human being."  
>"We've heard you're writing a book doctor, maybe you needed material for it?" Liv suggested.<br>"Oh no I could never do that," Tennant seemed honestly taken aback, "For a book? I don't even believe in spanking let alone put a woman, or anyone through, those atrocious things Simon did. Just horrendous."

"Simon seems to think he'll be a part of your book, that you're going to proclaim his _prophesy_," Liv said.

Tennant shook his head.

"Yes he is one of my case studies but I would never use his name or in any way spread his _methods_."  
>"But you've told him about the book?" Nick asked.<br>"He'd read my first book, he knew about it already and he asked me if I was planning any more books. I might have mentioned that I was writing on another one. He'd never asked me to put him in the book though."

"He might have expected to be in it?" Liv suggested.  
>"Yes he might have expected that," Tennant admitted.<p>

"Your first book came in 2002, why have you waited this long to publish another one?" Nick asked.

For the first time Tennant seemed to hesitate.

"It's not like writing a novel detective, these kinds of books take time, research and dedication. My passion lies with meeting my patients, I'm sure you know all too well how good it feels to be able to help someone."

"But you can't help Simon. You just said he's incurable," Nick said.  
>"I can't cure him but I can still <em>help<em> him," Tennant said.  
>"You think he deserves help?" Nick felt a need to pressure the doctor, he'd gone back to calm way too quickly for someone who'd just found out he was a suspect in an investigation. Tennant pierced his eyes in to Nick for a few seconds, it made Nick feel uncomfortable.<p>

"Amanda was… _is_ a friend of yours?" Tennant asked, his eyes shifting over to Liv.  
>"Yes she is," Liv said without any hesitation.<br>"I'm… happy she has friends like you, I'm sure she hasn't had it easy. I can't even imagine the horror all those women had to endure."

"No it's hard to imagine that scrutinizing pain," Liv said, "So you can probably understand that we don't want some sort of copycat out there mimicking Simon's despicable ways."  
>"No of course not," Tennant said leaning back again, "I assure you that I don't run Simon's errands. I'm against corporal punishment, I'm against all sort of violence."<p>

Liv pierced her eyes in Tennant, tried to get a good read on him. He seemed nice but there was also something slick about him, something that felt like he tried too hard to seem genuine and friendly, that he kept up a front of being composed just to hide the fact he might not be as superior as he liked to be.

"Your book," Liv started, "can you show us something? Just so we get a clear picture of what exactly it is you're writing."  
>"I have a draft that I can show you, it's no more than half way done though," Tennant said.<p>

"What was it called again?" Nick asked.  
>"Confessions of a Psychopath," Tennant answered proudly, "I'm still working on the subtitle but something like <em>the science of those without conscience<em> perhaps."

"Is it hard for you to distant yourself from your patients?" Liv asked and could tell Tennant tried to hide the amused smiled that spread over his face.  
>"Are you worried they've rubbed off on me sergeant?" he said but then sat up with a serious look, "I'm sorry, this is no time to be jest. I promise I could never hurt anyone and my interest lies with how our brain works, from the most brilliant to the most disturbing, they all fascinate me. What can I do or say to make you not think of me as a suspect?"<p>

"Answering our questions is a start," Liv said and Tennant nodded.  
>"Has Simon said anything about how he'll proceed? When we saw him he seemed to think his <em>mission<em> would live on, that his message would… keep spreading," Nick asked.

"No, he's really not into, and don't get me wrong, but he doesn't want to share his success, or his accomplishes. He really sees himself as superior to everyone else and I have a hard time seeing him give credit to anyone else. He's very much a solo player, he just doesn't like other people. He doesn't socialize, he doesn't get the meaning of it. For a long time he wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me."

"How did you win him over?" Liv asked.  
>"Actually I think it was my book, my first one that is," Tennant said, "I kept talking even when he wouldn't and I mentioned that I'd written a book. On our next session he told me he'd found my book in the library and he found it intriguing. And that's how we got started."<br>"Your first book was The Psychopath next door?" Nick asked and Tennant nodded.

"Does he know you think of him as a psychopath?" Liv asked.  
>"Simon doesn't really care what I think of him. He only likes that I'm interested and that I listen to him."<p>

"You said earlier that psychopaths are callous and unemotional but I'd say we managed to make Simon very emotional during our visit," Liv said.  
>"So I've heard," Tennant smiled but wised up quickly, "Simon is definitely able to show emotions but they're not genuine and often stems from rage. When your worldview doesn't correlate with his he either shuts down or lash out. I've noticed a slight loss over his impulse control lately and I think it has to do with his current medication but that's just a guess."<p>

"Could it have to do with something else? Like him actually being able to reach out again, that he feels a hope of starting up his… crime spree?"  
>"I really have a hard time seeing how Simon would be able to reach out like that. He does like some of the orderlies a little better but they are all screened and been persistently told about boundaries and Simon's callousness. And Simon has this way of wanting to gloat with his achievements to me so I really find it close to impossible that he's behind this. Do you mind telling me a little more about this transgression that has occurred?"<p>

"We rather not," Liv said quickly, "Do you discuss Simon with anyone?"  
>"At Broadmare of course but never with an outsider. Well except you and this advocate earlier this year."<p>

Nick followed up, asked a little more about the advocate and what Tennant had thought of him and the fact he chose to talk to Simon.

"I've heard psychiatrist often go to their own psychiatrist, do you?" Liv asked when Nick had done his follow up.  
>"No, not my own for many years now. We go to family counseling though."<br>"Wife? Kids?" Liv asked.  
>"All four of us," Tennant let her know.<p>

"May I ask why? Is there a reason you need counseling?"  
>"Since it involves my children I will decline to answer but I promise Simon is not a topic we've discussed there. We went more frequently before, I'll give you the name of our therapist if you like, but these past years it's mostly to check in where all of us are at and we see her every other month."<p>

"We'd like that name before we leave," Liv informed him, "What about your wife? You don't talk to her about work?"  
>"Oh no," Tennant smiled, "my wife would not let me talk about work even if I wanted to. I have to talk her into just attending our yearly Christmas bash as she find it so boring to socialize with doctors and psychiatrist. She says she gets headaches or mental problems just being around them."<p>

"But not around you I hope?" Nick said and the doctor let out a light chuckle.  
>"I'm the exception," Tennant smiled.<p>

"What about notes or files?" Liv asked, "Could someone have read them or does someone ever listen in on your sessions?"  
>"Broadmare has a strict policy, no material can leave the premises. Rohrbaugh or another attending listen in at times, whenever I need a second opinion on something. It hasn't happen often with Simon but it has happened."<p>

"Has someone at Broadmare shown an extra interest in Simon?" Liv was fishing now, she needed something to come out of this meeting.  
>"I've told you already sergeant, I don't think you'll find your culprit at Broadmare," Tennant answered, "I really wish I could help you."<p>

"What about your publisher? Could there be notes that someone's seen there?"  
>"No. No, I'm very cautious. I use codenames on the rare occasions I do keep notes and even then I keep them locked in," Tennant turned his chair slightly sideways and gestured to a rather safe looking locker.<p>

Liv tried another few possible scenarios. Could someone get in to that locker without him knowing about it? Did his wife ever invite friends over that might go in to his office uninvited? Had anyone ever asked him questions about Simon or shown an extra interest in serial killers?

Tennant answered no to every single one of them and then Nick tried but it was mostly just things they'd already gone over and it led them nowhere. Liv felt stressed, she'd wanted to walk out of there with something to go on, with just a single lead to spin on so they could end this nightmare for Amanda.

"Have you ever recorded any of your sessions with Simon?" Liv asked a bit desperately. Tennant shot her a look that she couldn't read but she figured he might have picked up on her stress level and she tried to calm herself down by taking a silent but deep breath.

"Some are monitored. Rohrbaugh tapes some and we use them as study cases to improve ourselves," Tennant answered very collected.  
>"So someone does watch your sessions?" Nick asked.<br>"Just among us attendings, and over these past two years we'd only case studied Simon four times."

"What happens to the tapes?"  
>"Rohrbaugh will know," Tennant answered, "I'm pretty sure they are destroyed or kept in the archives. We just use them as an educational tool."<p>

"Well maybe someone's using them for something else. We have to stop this before it escalates," Liv said and made sure her voice was steady. Nick shot her a sideway glance. They'd never talked about it but of course that's what they were all worrying about, that it would escalate. That the texts would turn in to other forms of threats. Or perhaps that Amanda would start to deteriorate, going to that dark place again. She might even be there already but at least this time she had company, her squad would be by her side every step of the way.

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way," Tennant said and leaned back in his chair, "but have you looked at yourselves? I don't mean you two specifically, you seem very reliable, but what if it's someone that knows the case just as well as Simon? What if it's someone inside your own department?"

Liv just observed him. She had disliked him even before she got there, just his involvement with Simon made her dislike him and right now she disliked him even more. She knew he might be on to something, even Amanda had mentioned the possibility it being a cop but Liv didn't want to hear it. It would've been much easier if it just could've been Tennant, or even more gratifying, that imbecile Rohrbaugh.

"We're of course looking at this from all angles," Liv said and thought she did a pretty good job of playing it cool.

They rounded the interview up and Tennant was walking them out when they ran in to a gangling young man with black hair covering half his face.

"Ashton what are you doing home? And out of uniform?" Tennant asked a little surprised.

This was apparently his teenage son. Liv couldn't help but observe him a little closer as he with that teenage rather flippant but at the same time aggressive tone told his dad that he himself had signed the note that let him skip the field trip to the MET museum. The young man had a part of his head shaved which was evident with the way he had flipped his hair forward across his face. Liv was pretty sure he was wearing black eyeliner around those dark eyes that he kept mostly hidden from both them and his father. He had several earrings in both ears which didn't mean much but along with the studded collar, tight black jeans and the torn t-shirt gave him a look Liv felt was a little out of place for a son of high end parents. But then again maybe that was the point.

A carved cross on one of his upper arms caught Liv's attention though as he spun around to head back inside the apartment. Doctor Tennant turned to them with an apologetic smile across his face and Liv was about to mention the cross to him as they were interrupted by yet another person.

"Aaron?" the proper woman walking towards them said and Liv caught the son shy away from her touch as she tried to stroke his arm as he walked passed her.  
>"Anya, my dear, let me introduce you," Tennant said extending his arm towards her and caught her as she arrived closer.<br>"My wife Anya Tennant," Tennant said with proudness in his voice, "This is Sergeant Benson and detective Amaro from the New York police department."

The woman shook their hands, sporting a warm smile but Liv noted that her hand was cold.

"So very nice to meet you, we really appreciate the good work the NYPD is doing to keep our city a safe place to live in," Anya smiled.

She seemed like a woman who could hold herself in any surroundings. That warm smile probably had many fooled but Liv was of a suspect nature and wondered what the woman really thought of them behind that polished front.

"Anya helped with the NYPD fundraiser this year, and it looks like they'll ask you back for next year's gala as well right dear?" Tennant smiled.  
>"Yes we've already held the first in-official meeting, just throwing ideas in the air for next year's theme," Anya said flashing them another wide smile. Liv and Nick just nodded, unsure what to say to that.<p>

"Well I was just showing them out," Tennant said once the silence got a bit awkward.  
>"Let me just ask you," Liv said making them stay put for a while, "I couldn't help but notice that cross on your son's arm?"<br>"Yes, it is very notable," Tennant said still with a smile but he sounded a bit flustered, "He's been asking us to allow him to get a tattoo and I guess it was his way of punishing us for not agreeing."  
>"Seems more like a punishment to himself," Liv countered.<p>

Anya squirmed a little in her husband's arm.

"Is he religious?" Nick asked getting curious too.  
>"We belong to the Orthodox church but we're not practicing," Anya said, "our son certainly not."<p>

"Odd thing to carve on your skin if you're not a believer," Liv more stated than asked.  
>"He's surely not the first rebellious teen who's done something odd," Tennant said with a slight chuckle but he quiet down as he caught the glare his wife gave him.<p>

"So he's rebellious?" Liv couldn't help but bite, noticed Anya's discontent and wondered if it was the question or their son's behavior she disapproved of. Tennant managed to keep a straight face though.  
>"I might have exaggerated, he's a good kid. Does well in school and unlike some of his classmates he neither drinks nor smokes. As long as he wears his uniform to school and dress proper to social gatherings we let him decide what he wears the rest of the time. It's all about compromises at that age."<br>"If you say so, you are the expert after all," Liv tried a smile.

Nothing much more was said and Anya said goodbye inside while Tennant followed them out. He waited with them until the elevator came and then sent them off with a good bye as they stepped in to the elevator. Nick couldn't hold himself for long and the moment the elevator left the floor he turned slightly to Liv.

"What do you think?" he asked. Liv took a deep breath.  
>"We still have to check everyone off from that hospital list," she said but then sighed, "but maybe Tennant would know if it was someone working there. Neither Rohrbaugh or nurse Sernyak seems to think so either."<br>"What about the son?" Nick asked. Liv shot him a look. She disliked that they might suspect him just because the way he dressed or look but then there was the cross on the arm of course.

"He's sixteen…" Liv said a bit evasive.  
>"And his father doesn't think he either drinks or smokes," Nick said raising his eyebrow at her. Liv couldn't help but smile. Could it be the shrink didn't see what was going on in his own family? It wouldn't be the first time a professional helped others while his own family fell apart.<br>"Let's look at him a little more closely too," Liv said and Nick seemed pleased.

**When Liv and Nick** came to the station Fin, Amanda and Keith were all at their desks already. Fin looked the most eager to find out what they'd gotten on the doctor. Liv told them to step in to her office, she invited Keith as well. She let Nick brief the others about the meeting with Simon's doctor as she checked her messages. Another few from their hospital list had checked in and she made a little mark by their names.

When she looked back up she met Amanda's apprehensive eyes. Liv shot her a warm smile but Amanda immediately looked down and Liv's smile faded quickly as she got an alarming feeling. She got distracted by Nick though who needed her to jump in to the briefing. They summed up everything they had so far and while doing this Liv noticed Amanda squirming a bit. Liv wasn't sure though if it had something to do with them mentioning they had to look in to the NYPD as well or if it was something else bothering Amanda.

"So you want us to look in on the ones that worked on the Mayhem case?" Nick asked to make sure that's what Liv wanted.  
>"Yes," she answered.<br>"Even Eli Hetfield?," Nick asked.  
>"I mean <em>everyone<em> Nick, no one's excluded," Liv said sternly.

They would have to prepare themselves for tonight's sting as well and Liv had to step in to her commander role and give out instructions so they could be efficient. She put Nick and Keith on Amanda's case while Fin and Amanda got to work on the bar hoping rapist and the few leads that had surfaced over the weekend. Amanda was still looking a bit jumpy and Liv had to ask her, in front of the others unfortunately, if she was okay to work. Of course Amanda said she was fine and Liv didn't want to press her further and left it at that.

Liv explained that she would have to engage herself elsewhere for a while, some official business she couldn't avoid even if she wanted to. She quite enjoyed being in charge but she could do without the administrative stuff. She also had some problem with the political game that was going on behind the curtains but she'd started to realize it was just something she had to get used to and do her best to stay out of.

Everyone started to pull themselves out of Liv's office, even Amanda but then she turned back slightly. Fin, who kept hovering around her, noticed her lingering and stayed behind as well.

"Can I…" Amanda spoke so quietly Liv didn't pick up on it at first but she did notice two people lingering in her office.  
>"What's that?" she asked Amanda curiously.<br>"I know you said you had to leave but…" Amanda talked to Liv but her eyes flickered between Fin and the floor.  
>"But what Amanda? It's okay whatever it is I have time," Liv said and put whatever she had in her hands down to give Amanda her full attention.<p>

"You want me to leave?" Fin asked sensing her discomfort. She had to think about it for a second but then shook her head.  
>"Could you just…" she just had to nod slightly towards the door and he got it what she wanted and went over to shut it.<p>

"I dunno why… I think I might have missed something," Amanda confessed and Liv could tell just how uncomfortable she felt right now and wanted to ease it.  
>"It's okay Amanda, just have a seat," she said and Amanda took one of the visitor's chairs. Fin took the other one. He had no idea what was going on but she'd been quiet since they left doctor Olivet. He'd figured it had been a rough session and let her mostly be but now he started to realize something had really been bothering her.<p>

"I should've told you, I've been really sloppy, I dunno why… how…" Amanda felt really lousy. She felt stupid and absent-minded and like a really bad detective.  
>"Amanda just tell me, it's okay," Liv was really curious to hear whatever it was making Amanda so uncomfortable but she also felt no blame, Amanda was under a lot of stress right now and whatever it was they would sort out. Amanda shot Fin a quick look but then looked down her own lap, where her hands laid tucked inside her sleeves and she was doing her best to not fidget with her already raw cuticles.<p>

"My mom," Amanda said having to get it out before she chickened out, "When she came here a few weeks back, well she… it wasn't just a social call."

Amanda looked up and shot Liv a quick awkward smile. She couldn't take Liv's concerned eyes though and looked back down again.

"She'd… well I guess someone had contacted her, he said he was a journalist, or reporter maybe, something like that. He knew… about me and what happened. I'm not sure what my mom really knows but she mentioned Mayhem and… Simon."

Amanda had to clear her throat, she wasn't sure why she had such trouble saying or even hearing his name. It was like her body reacted, like it blacked out for a few seconds and now she had a hard time starting up again.

"Why did he contact your mom?" Liv asked not able to hide her slight impatient to find out more.  
>"He said he wanted to get in touch with me, that if she could get me to talk to him… he would… pay her."<p>

It wasn't easy to admit your mom would sell you out for money and both Liv and Fin caught just how tough it was for her.

"That's why she called you selfish and those names?" Liv asked with a soft voice and Amanda nodded trying to smile but she couldn't really sell it.  
>"You know how wrong she is right?" Liv said, "How immoral that makes her to even ask you to do that. And to hit you when you're righteous…"<br>"Never mind," Amanda interrupted her and moved uncomfortable in her seat, "Maybe it's connected though, I mean this guy… maybe h-he's behind the texts? When she came back with a no, maybe he tried another way I dunno. I just… maybe…"

Amanda sunk back in her seat with a heavy sigh.

"We should definitely look further in to it," Liv said, "Did your mom tell you anything more about this guy? His name? Who he worked for? How did she contact him, how she contacted him?"

Amanda was shaking her head even before she answered.

"He called, that's all I know. I don't think she told me anything more."  
>"Okay, is it okay if I call her? See if she still has his name or number?"<br>"No disrespect Serge," Amanda said carefully, lifting her eyes a little, "you tried to arrest her, I don't think she'd be so willing to talk to you."  
>"You're probably right," Liv chuckled slightly, not offended at all, "What about Nick? She seems to like him, do you think she'd talk to him?"<p>

Amanda shrugged, she just never knew with her mom.

"Maybe," she answered.  
>"It's okay if I ask him to give her a call?" Liv wanted to make sure.<br>"Sure, can I... not be present though?" Amanda asked.  
>"It's up to you Amanda," Liv said sympathetic, "Would you prefer to keep working on the bar hoping case?"<p>

Amanda nodded.

"Okay, you do that and I'll keep you posted," Liv said and got a nod from Fin. He felt a little cold inside. Just the thought of Amanda's own mother being involved in this made him feel sick to his stomach. She was on some level just as big of a monster as Simon. She broke down her own daughter, or tried to. If Fin ever saw her again he wasn't sure he could be held accountable for his actions, he wanted to literally give her a taste of her own medicine. He wanted to slap that bitch.

Liv followed them out so she could call Nick back in. He'd just sat down at his desk but was up and in her office in no time. Liv closed the door on them and filled Nick on what she'd just learnt.

"That bitch," Nick hissed and Liv couldn't do anything but agree on that statement.  
>"You feel comfortable trying to give her a ring? We really need a name or a number to this reporter."<br>"Sure, can I lie?"  
>"Anyway you can get it," Liv said and reached for the post-it where Amanda had scribbled down her mother's number. Liv handed it to Nick and let him have her chair. She got on a second line to be able to listen in as he dialed her number.<p>

Neither one of them knew exactly what Amanda's mother did for a living or if she would pick up at this time a day. After three rings though someone picked up and answered with a surly, southern drawling "who is this?"

"Emily? This is Nick Amaro, New York police department," he answered and tried to sound friendlier than he felt towards this cold woman. There was a silent void on the other line and for a moment he worried she'd hung up.

"Emily?" he had to ask.  
>"What do you want?" she asked with a tone that was hard to read. She didn't really sound happy to hear his voice but he'd almost suspected an even more hostile tone.<br>"Did something happen to her?" she asked when he immediately didn't answer her.

He felt a slight empathy for her, at least she'd shown some concern for her daughter.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry if I alarmed you, your daughter is fine. No need to worry about her," Nick said quickly.  
>"I didn't," she answered and made Nick immediately lose any sense of compassion for her.<p>

"I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time?" Nick tried with played courtesy, "Do you have a minute?"  
>"A minute yes," Emily answered.<br>"Okay so I'll get right to the point then," Nick said trying to paste a bigger smile on his face hoping it would reach through the line, "I could really need your help Emily. Your daughter told us that you received a call a while back, from a reporter that wanted information on Amanda and the case she was involved in two years ago. Do you remember that?"

"I might," Emily answered a bit vaguely.  
>"Well you see we have someone that we think is posting as a reporter, another few people has received similar phone calls and we're thinking we're dealing with an imposter," Nick said and shot Liv a nervous look but was encouraged by the nod she gave him.<p>

"There might even be a reward in it for you if you help us catch him," Nick lied and hoped he wasn't pushing it.  
>"Okay," Emily said though and sounded a bit more interested now.<p>

"What can you tell me about the caller? Like how many times did you talk to him, do you still have his number or the name he gave you?" Nick held his breath through the silent pause that followed.  
>"He sounded young, or at least younger," Emily finally said and Nick felt a bit relieved he'd gotten her talking.<br>"Like teenager young?" Nick tried thinking about Ashton Tennant.  
>"No, not that young but just younger, I can't explain why I picked that up."<p>

"Okay, go on," Nick said.  
>"I talked to him three times, twice before I came to New York and then once to let him know she didn't want to talk to him."<br>"Do you remember the exact dates?"  
>"No," Emily answered rapidly.<p>

"That's okay, we can check your phone logs if you don't mind," Nick said and could almost feel the disapproval through the silence on the line, "It would help with the reward as well, with your phone logs it would not be any doubt who helped us catch him."  
>"Okay," Emily said a bit hesitant but at least didn't sound too hostile.<p>

"Do you remember his name or where he said he worked?"  
>"That was a bit strange," Emily said, "I'm sure he gave me the name Gabriel when he first called but when he answered the phone the third and last time I talked to him I'm rather sure he answered Lucas. But then when I asked if it was Gabriel he said yes."<p>

"Do you remember where he said he worked?"  
>"No, I'm afraid not, all I heard was that he was a reporter from New York focusing on violent crimes and that he wanted to write a story about this Mayhem killer."<br>"Did you know who the Mayhem killer was?" Nick asked even though it was rather pointless information at this time. He just wanted to know just how much she knew about what her daughter had gone through.  
>"No, not really. I guess I recall a serial killer getting caught a while back but I can't say I'd heard he was called Mayhem or that… my daughter was involved in capturing him."<p>

"She was. She was very vital to bringing him down."  
>"But she was hurt in the process right?"<br>"Yeah, yes she was," Nick said and heard the grunt on the other line.  
>"One has to be really foolish to risk one's own life like that," Emily complained but Nick decided not to bite.<p>

"What did he ask of you Emily?" he asked instead, "When he first called I mean, what did he ask of you?"  
>"He wanted my help to get in touch with her," Emily answered.<br>"Do you know why he turned to you? Why he didn't ask her directly?"  
>"I guess I just figured he'd tried but been unsuccessful. I know how stubborn she can be."<p>

Nick let that dig slide as well.

"So he wanted you to talk to her? To tell her what?"  
>"Just that he wanted an interview, to talk about this Simon, his crimes and her involvement in catching him."<br>"And he offered you money?"  
>"He offered <em>us<em> money, she was promised money too," Emily said as though that would ease her greed.

"And when you called him to say she didn't want to participate, what did he say then?"  
>"He sounded disappointed, as was I, but then told me to just call him again if things changed."<br>"Did it sound like he gave up? Like he would not write the story?"  
>"I'm not a mind reader detective, no he didn't say anything about that."<p>

"No of course not, I'm sorry Emily," Nick said to stay on her good side, "Did you pick up anything else? From the phone call I mean, did you hear any sounds in the background, voices or something like that?"  
>"The first two times it was very quiet, it sounded as though he was sitting in some cubicle or something, very quiet. The last time though I heard music, not loud but that type that's usually played loud."<p>

"What do you mean Emily?"  
>"Well you know that heavy metal crap that kids play, the ones with the piercings, studs and God knows what. With the black hair, long even on boys. That type of music. But it was only in the background."<br>"Thank you Emily, that's very helpful. Can you think of anything else that might be helpful to me?"

For some reason he got a sense something evil was about to come out of her mouth but this time she seemed to be the one that bite down and she just answered with a short no.

"Well you've been really helpful Emily and if we manage to track this imposter down I'll make sure your involvement doesn't get forgotten. And if he gets in touch with you again Emily I would really appreciate you giving me a call, could you promise me that?"  
>"I guess I can," Emily said but made it sound strenuous in that way she managed to make everything sound exhausting.<br>"Thank you Emily, that means a lot. Take care of yourself now. Bye," Nick hung up the moment he heard her good bye on the other line. He couldn't help but shrug a little as he hung up, wanting to shake that uneasy feeling he always got when talking to Amanda's mom.

"Good job," Liv said, "I'll put in a request for her phone records, see if we can dig out that number."  
>"And Ashton Tennant?" Nick asked raising his eyebrow slightly.<br>"Yeah okay, start digging around," Liv gave the go-ahead.

"You know it's a bit interesting that he might've used the name Gabriel as an alias," Nick said, "He's an archangel who typically serves as a messenger of God in the Bible. In a passage in Genesis he's said to be part of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. I just find that a bit interesting."

Liv nodded as she agreed, that was rather interesting.

* * *

><p>"<em>For he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer<em>." (**Romans 13:4**)

* * *

><p>The day went on and that afternoon Liv came back from her official meetings. The meetings had felt rather pointless but she'd received Emily Rollins' phone records during them and been able to find the number they'd been looking for. After consulting with Nick she decided to try and call the number. It went directly to voice mail and Liv hung up. If the voice mail was still active the number might be as well and she sent Nick down to TARU with what they had.<p>

Meanwhile the investigation of Ashton Tennant and the rest of the Broadmare staff didn't get them anywhere. Keith and Nick were able to cross of another few names off the suspect list. They had four names highlighted on the list, two orderlies that just seemed a bit suspicious, a nurse's names was highlighted because of the fact her live-in boyfriend had prior criminal charges for blackmail and then there was a missing orderly that had worked on Simon's ward since he got there and that now had missed two shifts on Broadmare and was impossible to get in touch with.

This orderly's name was Vernon Ryan. He didn't have a criminal past and his co-workers view of him, up till now, was that he was a reliable person both on and outside of the job. Since he'd seemed to have disappeared though and not even his sister knew where he could be made him a person of high interest right now.

From what Nick had found on Ashton Tennant nothing seemed out of the ordinary. 16 years old, straight A student, that swam in his high school's team as well as was a long distance runner for their track and field team. He played both piano and guitar after school. According to his social media pages he seemed to have a lot of friends but only interacted frequently with very few of them. He rarely posted anything but when he did it was usually dark lyrics by some obscure band or a selfie of himself in some dark attire. His relationship status was set to 'widower'.

**As the sun slowly started** to set over New York they had to focus on tonight's sting operation. Angela had arrived and took Amanda aside to get dressed for tonight. Liv had informed her about what was going on with the texts, she felt it was important everyone around Amanda knew the truth as it could jeopardize their operation and everyone involved if the threats escalated. Angela had been unaware of Amanda's previous struggles, she'd transferred down from up-state last year and missed the gossip about the blonde Manhattan SVU detective.

Angela had no problem with participating tonight and told Liv that when she asked if she was still okay with everything. It actually made her want to be by Amanda's side even more. She'd felt a connection with Amanda last week, even though they'd just met neither one had a problem with acting like they'd known each other for years. Angela liked the thrill of being undercover but most of all she liked taking the perps down and now it felt as though they had the potential to catch not just one but two badies.

Amanda made sure to get a little cover behind a double bunk as she got in to her top for the evening. It was just one of the many hassles of having to cover up a badly scared back. She knew Liv had informed Angela about the texts and everything surrounding that and Amanda couldn't help but feel a bit more self-conscious. _Why did she always have to add so much drama? Why couldn't she just stay away from all that drama?_

Keith gave them a playful whistle as the two dolled up detectives entered the interview room but he quiet down quickly as he caught the glare Liv shot him. Just like on Thursday they sat down to eat something as they went through tonight's plan. They were trying another bar tonight, located just a block from Thursday's place. Keith would be behind the bar again but Nick would be replaced in the bar by one on their detectives on loan. The rest would be out on the street listening in and the van would be hooked in to the bar's security camera and have eyes on the place as well.

Tonight Keith was the one that approached Amanda.

"Same procedure?" he asked silently as he kept an eye on the people closest by. Even though he wasn't looking at her he caught her nod out of the corner of his eye.  
>"I got you," he said, shot her a quick smile and walked off as he needed to head over to the bar.<p>

**Forty-five minutes later** Amanda and Angela walked in to the assigned bar. They both spotted Keith behind the bar and one of the detectives sitting by the bar. Liv and Fin was back in the van again along with a technician. Nick was listening in as well but from one of two plain cars out on the street.

Just as last time Amanda and Angela started at the bar and Keith hurried over to serve them. They weren't approached by any suitors for a while and Amanda had time to down her drink as well as order a new one.

"Relax," Angela leaned in and whispered to Amanda, "We got this, we got _you_."

Amanda tried to shot her a smile but on the inside she felt very embarrassed. She should be able to keep better check on herself. She just felt so uncomfortable. The skirt just felt too short and she didn't like that her sleeves ended right by her knuckles and didn't go down further. There was a risk someone would catch her scars if the sleeves went up just an inch. And the top felt too tight as well. It clung to her torso like a second layer of skin and she didn't like the sense of being almost nude.

And she just couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. She knew she was. By her squad, by the detectives. But it wasn't their eyes she was feeling. She felt _his_ eyes on her. Every other set of eyes she met were for a second Simon's. Her heart stopped for that moment it took her to realize it wasn't. Brown eyes. Grey eyes. They didn't even have to be blue. For a second she saw _him_ and it rattled her to the core.

"Yeah I need to loosen up," she smiled and got off her chair. She took a big slug of her second drink and while doing that she swung her hip a little to the soft music playing in the background. She put her glass down and took a look over her shoulder. She spotted at least three guys watching her ass and it felt so much better having their eyes down there than meeting hers. She shot Angela a smile, got one back and then kept moving a little to the music as she engaged in some small talk with Angela.

**Two hours later** they'd worked their way further in to the bar and talked to at least two dozen men. Angela couldn't accuse Amanda of not being relaxed any longer. In fact she felt Amanda might have gotten a bit too comfortable and when she caught Amanda having a gulp of one of the guys drinks she got an uneasy feeling that things could be getting a little out of hand. Angela tried to play it cool though. She liked Amanda, and now with knowing her past it made her feel even more sympathetic towards her. And she would never snitch on a fellow detective or jump to conclusions so instead she took Amanda's flank for a while to be able to keep a better look at her. Angela knew everyone kept scoping all the men out in the bar and she made it her mission to keep all the focus on Amanda instead.

It didn't take long until she spotted a guy's hand going up Amanda's leg a little too high, disappearing in underneath her skirt without Amanda really seeming aware of it. Angela grabbed a hold of the guy's wrist and pierced her eyes in him when he seemed to want to object.

"Hey Manda, join me in the ladies room will 'ya," Angela smiled calling for Amanda's attention.

She didn't give Amanda a chance to answer but just grabbed her hand as well as one of the empty glasses on the table. They stopped on the way to exchange a few words with some guys they'd talked to earlier but Angela never let go of Amanda's hand and soon started to pull her with her again.

This bar had a single toilet and Angela pulled Amanda inside, locking the door behind them.

"So are you taking off?" Amanda suggested as this was the route Angela had gone a couple of days ago. Angela just washed out her glass though and filled it with cold water. She handed it over to Amanda.

"What?" Amanda asked. Angela didn't say anything though, didn't want anyone else to hear what she really wanted to tell her designated partner for the night. Instead she just gave her a face that told Amanda to shut up and just drink. And that's what Amanda did as she could tell Angela wasn't playing around. While Amanda used the toilet, for a change not bothered by not being alone, Angela filled up another glass that she handed to Amanda after she'd washed her hands.

"Okay?" Angela asked and Amanda nodded.  
>"I'm going to stick around for a while longer okay. I'll give you a sign when it's about time for me to head out," Angela said and again Amanda gave her a nod.<br>"We can do this," she said and grabbed Amanda's cheek quickly before they went back out.

The bar was a lot more crowded this Monday compared to last Thursday and they kept working their way through the entire place without letting on what they were up to. The toilet break seemed to have wised up Amanda a bit but Angela caught her drinking out of at least one other guy's glass. At one point it looked more like she was sniffing the drink but Angela couldn't be sure that was all that was going on. She started to get a feeling that maybe she shouldn't leave Amanda on her own tonight, something just told her Amanda needed someone by her side right now.

But just minutes later everything changed. Both Amanda and Angela got word from Liv that the bar hoping rapist had struck just a couple of blocks down from them. The victim had managed to escape and call for by-passer's attention. The perp had taken off on foot and Liv yelled out directions for Keith and the plain clothed detective to stay with Angela and Amanda while the cars took off after the rapist.

Angela and Amanda rushing out of there and Keith literally jumping over the bar caused some commotion inside and the buzz reached a higher level. The four detectives took off down the street all while listening to Liv shouting out directions to the cars. They had sightings of the perp that seemed to be injured in a way that slowed him down.

Amanda, who had a little trouble running in the heels she was wearing tonight, managed to trip slightly, losing one of her shoes in the process, and got caught well behind. Angela didn't even notice losing her running partner but got aware as she heard Nick telling them over the wire to not lose eyes on Amanda. Angela immediately stopped and felt her heart drop when she realized she couldn't spot Amanda.

When she turned she met Keith's just as worried eyes while the other detective's back got further and further away from them as he kept running down the street. Angela turned back and was about to launch back up the street as she caught something moving in the shadows by the building further up.

She couldn't help but smile with relief as she caught the sound of a certain southern blonde cursing and she hurried to her side with Keith not far behind her.

"Fucking shoe," Amanda complained with an embarrassed face as she realized both Angela and Keith had to hold up on the account of her heel breaking.  
>"Don't worry about it," Angela smiled touching Amanda's arm slightly as she felt a need to do so.<br>"Your ankle's okay?" Keith asked and Amanda nodded as she wiggled her foot around a little. They all looked up as a car came speeding down the street and came to a screeching halt by the curb.

"You okay?" came Nick's concerned voice as he leaned out of the driver's window.  
>"Just a busted heel," Keith let him know.<br>"C'mon, they got him, I'll drive you down there," Nick said and the three of them hurried over.

"You okay?" Nick said leaning back towards Amanda as she got in behind him. She nodded as they got drown in darkness as both Keith and Angela shut their doors on the opposite side of the car. Nick took off and they soon reached the scene where several emergency cars were flashing their lights. The perp had managed to cut himself in the leg as he struggled with his most recent victim. Even just the slight loss of blood had apparently made the perp nearly faint and they had been able to easily take him down. He was now being lifted in to the back of an ambulance cuffed to the stretcher.

Fin let out a sound of great relief as he spotted his partner and he couldn't keep from giving her a hug now that he knew she was safe. He gave her a wary look though as he let her go but Liv interrupted before he could say anything.

"You okay?" she asked and again Amanda just nodded.  
>"Be careful so you don't step in any glass," Liv said as she noticed Amanda's bare feet and the next second she'd turned around and loudly asked if anyone had a pair of extra shoes. Amanda felt embarrassed about the fuss but thanked the uniform that came over carrying a pair of sneakers. They were a little too big for her but she was still grateful and made sure to catch his name so she could return them in the morning.<p>

As she was getting them on Fin handed her a gum. She gave him a peculiar look but he insisted by just giving her a stern look and she realized he'd probably smelled the alcohol on her breath when he hugged her and just didn't want Liv or anyone of the others to detect it. She took the gum from him without saying anything and put it in her mouth. _Maybe she did have a little too much to drink tonight_.

Liv rounded them all up and thanked them all for a good effort. She would head over to the hospital with Nick and Keith and told the rest to head home. Angela gave Amanda a hug and a 'keep safe' before she took off with the ride that had been offered to her by one of the other detectives. Liv organized for a patrol car to take Fin and Amanda home and again Amanda felt embarrassed over all the fuss.

Before they took off Amanda had been able to check her phone and establish that there had been no texts tonight. She let Liv know and Liv seemed pleased but not just as relieved as Amanda felt. She was hoping maybe this was just a crackpot, that now that the heat from the police maybe had reached him he'd backed off and she wouldn't hear from him again. The bar hoping rapist was caught and the texts would maybe stop. She leaned back against the seat in the back of the patrol car and just enjoyed feeling a little at peace for a moment.

Fin sat by her side and they'd just taken off when he leaned in towards her so the uniforms wouldn't hear him.

"How much did you have to drink tonight?" he asked. She gave him a look like it was none of his business even if it was in a way.  
>"You know you shouldn't mix hard liquor with the medicine you're on," he said a bit reprimanding.<p>

He'd read the label on the medicine Olivet put her on and taken notice of that fact. Amanda had barely touched alcohol for these past two years though. At most she had a beer that she rarely finished. He figured it was a need of hers to stay levelheaded and fully aware of her surroundings. That she now, during a operation as well, would drink made him a bit stumped.

"I'm not on my meds," she informed him.  
>"What? Since when?" he said, his voice suddenly louder and he gave the two uniforms in the front a look in case they'd listen in but they seemed busy discussing something among themselves.<br>"Since like last week or so," Amanda said like it was nothing important.

"Why?" he asked still trying to get a grip on what was going on.  
>"I just…" she shrugged a little not really sure how to explain it, "…wanted to, I dunno be completely clear just in case…"<p>

"And then you go and get drunk instead?"  
>"I'm not drunk Fin," she said and rolled her eyes at him. She could feel him pierce his eyes in to her in the dark car but not even that could annoy her right now. <em>Things would be fine<em>.

"Just in case of what?" he asked once his face had soften slightly and he'd gotten a grip on his sudden flare of anger.  
>"I just want to feel like myself again okay?" she said trying to shrug it off a little, she didn't want to make it a big deal.<p>

"I get that but you really think this is the right time, I mean with everything going on?"  
>"It will never be the right time Fin," she said and tried to find his eyes in the back of the dark car, "I've white-knuckled most things in my life, it's time to white-knuckle this as well."<p>

He stayed leaned in on her for a while but then sat back against his own seat. He got her reasoning but he didn't like that she got drunk on the job, he couldn't see anything good coming out of that.

They had reached their street and Fin noticed a bit of a crowd outside what looked as their gate.

"What the…" he mumbled as they came closer.  
>"Stay in the car," he said resolutely to Amanda as they pulled up right outside and he hurried to jump outside.<p>

He hurried up on the curb where he saw some of his neighbors gathered. Some of them turned to the police car while some kept pointing to the wall. Fin saw that the glass door was completely shattered and large sprayed letters were covering the wall around the door. His blood somehow both froze and boiled as he started to make out what the straggly scribbled spelled out.

"Abomination," he whispered as he read it, "Eternal fire within. Whore. Dem… demimondaine?"

Fin noticed that one of the uniforms that had driven them home stepped up on the curb next to him.

"W-we need to call this in," he managed to tell him and the officer reached for the intercom on his chest.

He turned around to the car and of course she'd stepped out of the car even though he told her not to. He could only watch her as her eyes went over the words. He wasn't sure what to do, he didn't know how to shield her from this and it was one of the most horrid feelings he'd ever felt. Seeing the pain and terror displayed all over her face was heartbreaking. Her eyes finally caught his, after she'd read the message on the wall several times, and he could tell she was as distraught as he felt. He lost her eyes as she started looking around. Her eyes darted back and forth, up at the rooftops, past windows with gawking faces. _Was he there? Was he watching?_ She felt so very exposed.

He could read every gut-wrenching emotion on her face and he felt them too. It had escalated. He'd breached their gate, maybe been inside their apartment as well. He didn't know where to bring her? Where she'd be safe? The look on her face right now scared him. _Would she ever feel safe again?_


	6. Chapter 6: Guarded

Finally a new chapter, sorry for the delay – again. And now this new SVU promo that has me crumbling. It might be a bit conflicting since I write things like that happening to Amanda but to actually see/know it happening makes me so upset. I might have to write my way out of the slump I'm in right now.  
>But I promise to do my best to not lose focus on this story. This story will have three main villains (I am introducing Tucker later on so I guess four is more accurate tho) <em>not<em> counting Simon. This mystery stalker is #1 and later in this chapter you'll know who's #2. The third one, the one who I call Soldier, is coming up later on.  
>I'm thinking of this story in three waves and right now wave one and wave two are colliding, just work with me ;), and I hope you enjoy the new chapter!<br>The lyric used down below is dedicated to **HeartSkull**. Thanks for being an awesome reviewer & just the perfect person to vent with as that promo dropped.

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><p><strong>Chapter 6: Guarded<strong>

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><p><em>Take me to church. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife. Offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life.<br>__In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene. Only then I am Human. Only then I am Clean. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen_. ~ Take me to church by Hozier

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><p>An hour after Fin and Amanda had arrived outside the house Liv's car came to a screeching halt across the street. She cared very little about her parking, hurried out to cross the road and ducked under the crime scene tape while flashing her badge at a uniform. When she was close enough to the wall she stopped and read the words sprayed on it. She frowned and tightened her fists that were tucked deep down her coat pockets.<p>

"Sergeant," an officer greeted her as she walked over to the trashed gate. Liv gave him a nod but couldn't produce a friendly smile.

"Detective Tutuola? Rollins?" she asked and he let her know they were upstairs. Liv carefully made her way over the broken glass, shot a look at the brick by the wall that was marked with a evidence marker and made her way down towards the elevator. She passed two detectives talking to what she figured was neighbors. One of the detectives looked up and she gave him a nod. She had the chance to sigh several times before the elevator finally arrived and she rode up to Fin's floor.

Fin had texted her about half an hour ago and let her know _he'd_ been to their house. That's all it said and when she couldn't get a hold of him she'd felt a bit of a panic. Through central she learnt there was a report of vandalizing at Fin's house but no one was injured, especially not a police. It made Liv calm down a little but she still felt a need to see this vandalizing with her own eyes and to make sure her detectives were okay. She left Nick in charge at the hospital, they'd just been given access to the bar hoping rapist but Liv just had to trust her detective to handle that initial interrogation.

Nick had of course realized something was up and Liv had given him the little she knew. He wanted to go with her but she managed to get him to stay put by telling him she really needed him to handle this for her. On the drive over she'd finally gotten a response to the text she'd sent Fin a little earlier. It just read 'I'm not sure she's safe here. What can we do?'. Since Liv was nearby she chose to not respond through text but just get to them as soon as possible.

There was a uniform stationed outside their door and she got her badge up to get passed easier. She thanked him when he held the door open for her. Liv stepped inside and immediately spotted Amanda over at the couch. She was alone, a blanket draped her shoulders and she was on the edge of the seat with a vacant look staring straight ahead, elbows resting on her knees with her hands by her mouth. She looked to be fidgeting with her lips or maybe biting her nails.

Liv heard voices to her right and turned to see Fin talking to two plain clothed detectives. One of the detectives spotted her first and then Fin looked up, drawing a sigh of relief when he saw her. They met half way and both reached out and ended up hugging each other's arms.

"I saw downstairs," she said with a low voice, "has he been in here?"

Fin shrugged a little.

"I don't think so but we've called CSU, let them do a sweep to make sure the place is clean," he let her know.  
>"Did anyone see anything?" she asked after she'd shot Amanda another look over at the couch.<br>"One neighbor saw him take off but she didn't get a good look at him," Fin let her know.  
>"Cameras?"<br>"There's one across the street at the park's entrance, we've asked for the film but the trees might be in the way."  
>"The brick might have prints, maybe he's left the spray behind, do you have officers searching?" Liv asked and Fin nodded. He looked to the detectives.<p>

"We haven't found anything but the brick left behind but we have two units searching the way he took off," one of the detectives informed her, "CSU will take care of the brick and any analyze they can do on the spray used. We'll let them check this place out as well but we don't think he was ever inside."  
>"We'll make sure of that though," Liv said and there was no room for argument. The detective hadn't planned on arguing either and just gave her a nod. Liv shot Amanda another look.<p>

"How is she doing?" Liv asked and heard the sigh coming from Fin before she was able to look at him. He just shrugged. Liv gestured with her head for them to get over there.  
>"We'll go down and meet up with CSU," the detective said behind them and Liv made an appreciating gestured towards him as she kept moving towards Amanda.<p>

Amanda had been sitting completely still the whole time but when she saw them coming she moved a little further up on the couch as she shot Liv a very uncomfortable smile that turned to look more like a hesitant grin. Liv placed a soft hand on her leg as she sat down next to her. Amanda wished she could've sat down somewhere else.

"How are you coping?" Liv asked rubbing her leg gently. Amanda tried to get back to that smile again.  
>"I'm fine," she lied.<p>

_Great. Olivet had given her one task. One silly task to just let them in on how scared she really was. She couldn't even accomplish that. Cause she had been scared. And that was even before a brick had been tossed through her gate. Before harsh and vulgar words had been sprayed on her wall, words aimed at her. This wasn't just a text anymore, something technical, something she could erase with a button. This wasn't someone hiding behind a screen. This was made by someone real. Someone of flesh and bone that knew where she lived, that had come to her home. And this real person found her to be an abomination. A whore. This person maybe wanted to do those exact things to her that Simon had done. He wanted to do nasty things to her and that wasn't fine. That was awful. That was scary. _

"Amanda?" Liv called her back to present. Both Liv and Fin had seen her drift off somewhere in her thoughts and given each other a concerned glance. Liv saw her blink a few times as she managed to free herself from her dark thoughts. It sounded like she tried to say something sounding like _yeah_ but it came out as a hoarse croak and Liv reached for the glass of water that stood on the table in front of Amanda. She looked grateful as she took it from Liv but then she lost the grip around the glass and some spilled over as Liv helped her at least keep it upright.

"It's just water," Liv said brushing some of it off Amanda's blanket with one hand as she kept the other one underneath the glass so Amanda could get a second chance to get a better grip around it. Amanda felt stupid, flustered, but managed to get the glass up to her lips by using both her hands. She had a little but then went back and emptied most of the glass. Liv helped her put it back down on the table. Amanda knew Liv just meant well but she hated being mollycoddled, especially when she already felt helpless.

"CSU are on their way," Liv informed her and Amanda gave her a nod.  
>"They're going to check this place out as well, make sure he hasn't been upstairs too," Liv said and caught Amanda's face crumbling before she could hide it by looking down, making her hair fall down like a curtain between them.<p>

Liv shot Fin another quick glance, he looked worried. Liv knew Amanda didn't like to be handled with care but she couldn't help herself and reached out her hand to sweep her hair back over her shoulder. She went back one more time and lined her hair up as best she could behind her ear.

"Listen," Liv said while she stroked away her hair, "Do you want to come back to my place? If you feel unsafe here, or just if you want to shower and crash, the techs might be busy here for a while. You're more than welcomed to spend the night at my place. You too Fin, we'll make room."

Liv shot him a soft smile. Fin felt grateful but looked back over at Amanda suspecting she would decline the offer. And he would be right.

"No, I'm okay, it's okay. I don't think he was ever in here. Not this time…" her words died out.

_This time_, all three of them thought about what she'd just said and all of them felt uneasy.

"Okay," Liv said and let her hand rest on Amanda's shoulder as she spoke again, "Well we'll post someone outside for the night and my home is open for you if you change your mind. And I think we should really consider posting someone to sit on you 24/7 for the time being."

Fin nodded agreeing but Amanda looked unhappy.

"Just 'till we catch him," Liv hurried to add, squeezing Amanda's shoulder gently. Amanda finally glanced up at her with glossy blue eyes that were far from the strong, unwavering eyes Liv was used to seeing in the squad room.  
>"We <em>will<em> catch him Amanda," Liv said seeing the fear in the blonde's eyes.  
>"We'll nail his ass," Fin said with emphasis on every word and got a quick glance from Amanda before she looked back on her hands.<p>

She noticed one of her cuticles had started bleeding and she tried to wipe the small amount of blood off. Fin and Liv shot each other a look as neither knew exactly what else to say.

"Can I take a shower even though CSU's coming?" Amanda asked without looking up.  
>"Yeah I'm sure…," Fin said a bit hesitant though, "they'll probably just check the door and hallway. Most work will be downstairs."<br>"Okay," Amanda said quietly, "I'm going to take a shower then."

She remained sitting though, seeming to observe her own hands very closely. Liv and Fin observed her intensely. She finally stirred slightly.

"Will you make sure no one comes in?" she said as she glanced up at Fin. He knew she didn't like to lock the door and of course he nodded.  
>"Thanks," she mumbled as she rose from the couch.<p>

The blanket slid off her and Liv made sure it didn't slide of the couch. Amanda was still in her decoy outfit and when she passed Liv in the short skirt Liv spotted the fine line on the back of her thigh. A scar caused by one of Simon's whip lashes gone astray. Liv had a brief but vivid flashback of how Amanda had looked as she was brought out of that bunker. _They'd taken her up on a gurney, the medics placing her on her stomach so the pain wouldn't finish her off. They hadn't been able to confirm that she would make it though. Liv had walked along the gurney, holding a blanket with Fin that they held over their injured partner to try and shield her from all the looks as they brought her out. That had been such a stressful time and now it all came rushing back again_. Liv managed to snap herself out of her thoughts.

"I'll stay around for a while," Liv said to Amanda's back but she wasn't sure if she heard her or not, she made no acknowledgement of what Liv said and disappeared around the corner. Liv took a deep breath as she looked back over at Fin.

"We need to catch him," Fin said.  
>"And we will" Liv answered and tried to sound more secure than she felt.<br>"We need to catch him _now_," Fin said firmly, "We need to take countermeasures or… something. Just something Liv. She can't… _we_ can't just sit by and let it happen to her again. She…_ I_ can't take this."

Liv looked at him. She tried to come up with something they could do but her mind seemed completely blank. She was tired. Tired from everything that had gone down tonight and then it was this Simon copycat. It was getting to her and she had a hard time juggling everything while trying to keep her own squad above the surface.

"Okay tomorrow we focus on this," Liv said doing her best to toughen herself, "We'll have to talk to the ones left on the staff list from Broadmare and we'll re-interview and look even closer on the ones we've already talked to and found suspect. We'll talk to the Tennant son, now we can ask where he was tonight. Nick and Keith are looking closer on our own department and we have to follow up on this mess with her mom and the reporter."

Both Liv and Fin sat silent for a while. Fin looked over to the door where a uniform walked in and approached the two detectives he'd talked to earlier. They'd tried to talk to Amanda as well but she'd been completely silent and Fin had sat her down on the couch instead, given her some time to collect herself as she looked as she needed it. One of the detectives had brought over a glass of water for her while Fin covered her with a blanket. She'd looked so very frail and detached, he didn't like to see her like that and he hated that it was nothing he could do to help her.

Liv kept looking at Fin, could see how worried he was and how much this was wearing him down.

"What do you think about letting her leave a message for this Gabriel or Lucas person?" Liv asked him once his eyes came back to her.  
>"That's this reporter that contacted her mom?" Fin asked and Liv nodded.<br>"So she'd say what? That she wants to talk to him?" Fin suggested and Liv shrugged slightly.

"Do you think she'll agree to set up a meeting with him?" Liv asked.  
>"You know she'll do anything we ask of her," Fin answered giving Liv a look that she should know that already.<br>"But _should_ we ask that of her?" Liv asked and Fin had to think about it.  
>"We have to rule him out," he finally said, "it's a good way to do that. If he really is a reporter we can find out who leaked and at least nail that rotten cop."<p>

"Or hospital staff, the people who treated her knows her identity too. They could've made the link to Mayhem as that was hot stuff on the news during that time. Damn, there are just so many suspects," Liv sighed and closed her fist around the blanket Amanda had left behind.

"But it escalated today. Tonight," Fin said, "It must've meant we're getting too close or that we aggravated him somehow. Right?"  
>"Or it was just that time Fin. He's been doing the text threats for more than three weeks now, maybe it was just time. We know stalkers escalate, they rarely just stop."<p>

"So now you're thinking stalker? Simon's not behind it?" Fin asked.  
>"I don't know. Just… sitting across from him Fin…," Liv shook her head a little, "The things he said, what Tennant and Rohrbaugh told us about how he talks about her. I wouldn't call it respect as Tennant did but there's some form of admiration there. Twisted admiration and I have no doubt what so ever that he could… would hurt her if he got the chance himself. He would… put his hands on her in a second if he got that opportunity but for him to let… to give that privilege to someone else..."<p>

"He had her raped Liv," Fin cut her off, "he had someone else rape her. That was his doing."  
>"Yeah… yeah I know," she said and could tell on Fin's face that this was no time to argue with him, "That was his method then but now tables have turned, things changed."<br>"So he needs to change his methods," Fin cut in again.

"I hear you Fin but it's just my gut feeling. Trust me…"  
>"No offense Liv, I <em>do<em> trust you but when it's her safety on the line…" his voice betrayed him and he choked up.  
>"I get it Fin, don't worry about it," Liv reassured him. She was just about to say something else when one of the plain clothed detectives walked up to them.<p>

"I don't mean to interrupt…" he started and Liv shot him a sympathetic smile as she could tell Fin couldn't face anyone just yet. Fin let his fingers run over his eyes and then pinched the bridge of his nose for a few seconds.  
>"CSU are done downstairs and want to come up…"<br>"Sure, send them up here," Liv said as Fin was still hiding his face in his hand.

The detective shot her a faint smile before he walked away giving his partner, who was on the phone with someone, the go-ahead. Fin finally bared his face once they were alone again, it looked as though he had collected himself.

"You're ready to help them out? Make ourselves useful," Liv said knowing it would be a good remedy to actually do something beneficial.

**An hour later** though the CSU team left with not much to go on. They had the brick and would try and lift prints from it. It looked as though the brick had been brought there so they were a little hopeful it would give them something. The door to the apartment had not been tampered with, nor had any of the windows. They lifted numerous prints off the door and they would process them all just in case.

Amanda had spent that entire time in the bathroom. It had made Fin a bit nervous but he'd been down to check on her at one point and at least been able to exchange some words with her through the door. When he'd went back a little later to let her know CSU had left as well as all other law enforcement she finally came out dressed in some of his oversized clothes. Liv had made them some tea and Amanda didn't struggle when Liv suggested that they sit down at the kitchen counter to have some before they called it a night.

"I don't want to burden you with too much tonight Amanda," Liv said when they'd sat in silence for a while sipping their tea, "but we were thinking maybe you could try leaving a message tomorrow on this reporter or journalist's voicemail. See if he'll call you back."  
>"Set up a meeting with him?" Amanda asked quietly. Liv couldn't tell if she was scared or intrigued but she nodded.<br>"Actually meet him?" Amanda kept quizzing.  
>"If you feel like it or we can put someone looking like you in your place. It may not be him but then at least we'll put the stop to one weasel," Liv said.<br>"I think it's a good idea," Fin weight in and caught Amanda's attention, "We'll lure him out and put a stop to this. No more sitting idle and let him… play this game. We'll put a stop to him on our terms."

Liv worried he was pushing her to make a decision she wasn't ready for but she couldn't blame him. They all wanted what was best for her, trouble was that when you got desperate to find a way through an crisis you sometimes made the wrong decision. Amanda hadn't asked for this. She'd made it through hell growing up, then through another one that she was partly to blame for but she'd made it through it again. Question was if she could make it through a third time?

"Take the night to think about it Amanda," Liv said before she could make up her mind, "You have a lot on your mind right now, think about it until tomorrow and if you don't feel comfortable doing it we'll find some other way."

"Sounds okay?" Liv asked when Amanda kept staring down her cup where her tea was cooling off fast.  
>"Aha," she mumbled with her eyes fixed on the dusky fluid. Liv exchanged a look with Fin.<p>

"I'm going to take off," Liv said next as she figured Amanda needed sleep, "My offer still stands so call if you want to come over. You'll have someone stationed outside throughout the night though so there's no need to feel unsafe."

Amanda didn't seem to register what Liv said and she didn't move at all when Liv got down off her chair. When Liv put her hand on her back though she flinched noticeable. Liv gave her a disarming smile to make her feel less embarrassed and it seemed to work as Amanda gave her a faint smile back.

"You can come over to my place at any time through the night but you'll have a guard posted outside the door and a car out on the street," Liv repeated to make sure Amanda knew this.  
>"We'll be fine," Amanda whispered and shot Fin a glance. He nodded at her and then gestured a bye at Liv.<br>"Thank you boss," he shouted after her and smiled at the wave Liv made over her shoulder without looking back.

"Ready to end this day?" Fin asked Amanda and she nodded.  
>"Gladly," she mumbled as she grabbed Fin's cup and brought it along with her own over to the sink.<p>

She made sure she had a good grip around both of them. He went to shut off some of the lamps, of course leaving on enough to still keep the place lit up. He waited for Amanda to come join him to walk down the hallway together but she moved the opposite way and he listened to her open the door slightly.

The officer outside was sitting on a chair, having nothing but his focus on overseeing the corridor and he looked up at her as she glanced out the door.

"We're gonna turn in," she said excusing herself, "can I get you something before…?"  
>"No I'm good thanks, got my water," he said with a kind smile, "get a good night's sleep detective."<br>"Thanks," Amanda mumbled and closed the door again.

Fin heard her turn the lock and then attach the security chain. He hoped that the locks along with the guard outside gave her some sense of security but when she came around the corner she looked just as frail and scared as when they'd driven up to the building a few hours ago. She was hugging herself and had a deep crease between her eyes. She stopped just around the corner and looked at him.

"C'mon," he whispered and gestured for her to keep moving towards him. She slowly pulled herself towards him and let him wrap his arms around her but she also kept her arms wrapped around herself.

"Let's get some sleep," he said after he'd held her for a while and after he'd placed a kiss on her hair. She let him guide her down the corridor and he passed her bedroom and brought her in to his own. There was just no way he would not have her sleep next to him tonight. Amanda got up on his bed fully clothed and ducked down under the cover. Fin got out of his jeans but left the rest on and got in under the same cover. She was turned towards him but he couldn't see her face as she was buried deep underneath her own hair and his cover.

"Can I hold you?" he whispered when just looking at her didn't satisfy his need. It took a second but then she started scooting closer to him. He got his arm in underneath her, placed the other one over her and when she found a comfortable spot against his chest he let his arms wrap around her. He took a deep inhale of her scent with his nose buried in her blonde strands. He'd felt her fists grab on to his tee as she came in to his embrace and now he used them as telltale when she drifted off to sleep. Two times he felt her tense up, her fists closing back around the fabric but then finally sleep caught her and he allowed himself to follow her there.

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><p>"<em>He will be your sure foundation, providing a rich store of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the Lord will be your treasure."<em> (**Isaiah 33:6**)

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><p><strong>Tuesday started slowly.<strong> The entire squad was worn down. The operation and taking down the bar hopping rapist had taken its toll along with the other thing going on. Nick and Keith had been at the hospital until late and then brought the rapist to lock-up once he was patched up. Liv got home even later than they did and then she'd been unable to clear her head and spent at least an hour tossing and turning in bed worrying Fin and Amanda wouldn't be safe.

Fin and Amanda was safe for the time being but Amanda wasn't safe in her dreams. A face-less man kept chasing her, managing to sneak up on her in every safe place she tried to find. Fin had soothed her twice as the nightmares started to make her squirm and whimper in his arms. The third time he didn't wake up in time, grouching as her nails dug in to his chest but then managed to grab her other wrist before that fist in the air crashed down on him.

They were both beat in the morning and it took them a while to get ready. Amanda made enough coffee to serve the officers as well and the officer outside their door accepted it with a smile once they stepped out and Amanda handed him the disposable cup. Fin put the chair right inside the door and then the three of them made their way down. The officer informed them everything had been calm during the night. The gate downstairs was covered with thick plastic and there was still some crime scene tape flapping around outside on the curb.

The officer in the patrol car stepped out and said good morning. He also flashed Amanda a smile once he was handed his coffee. The patrol car drove them in to the station and Fin and Amanda left them with sincere thank you's as they arrived at precinct 16. Nick was at his desk already and got up as he was eager to know how they were holding up. Since Fin asked, Nick had to give them the disappointing news that CSU hadn't found any prints on the brick and that the spray paint used was a very regular kind that could be found all over the city.

Liv came out of her office and greeted them. She tried to not over do her concern as she checked in if they'd caught any sleep. Fin did most of the talking and Liv could feel Amanda squirm a little under the hand she'd placed on the back of her arm and Liv removed it quickly. She could tell Amanda was uncomfortable being in the middle of all this fuss and she was the one that changed the conversation to the bar hopping rapist.

Nick gave them the low-down. His name was Nicholas Cooper, age 31. Just like many other serial rapists he seemed like an average Joe on paper. He held a steady job, came from an advantaged home and had a fiancée of two years. She bared striking resemblance to Cooper's victims. Nick and Keith had only had a chance to question him briefly last night and the only thing he'd said was that '_it was so easy, they were so easy_' and that '_they'd begged for it_'. He'd said it with a very non-threating voice, almost sounded a bit melancholic.

Since Keith wasn't in yet and Liv wanted to close the case as soon as possible so they could focus on Amanda's case she asked Fin if he could take the interrogation with Nick. Fin seemed reluctant to leave Amanda's side but Liv reassured him she would keep Amanda in the squad room today. Amanda did her best to hide the fact she hated to be talked about, treated like some museum artifact that needed protection. She knew they were all concerned and she appreciated them caring but she could really do without all this fuss.

Once Nick and Fin went to prep for the interrogation Liv asked Amanda in to her office. She asked Amanda to have a seat and Liv sat down behind her desk.

"Have you had time to give any thought to this idea of calling the reporter that contacted your mom?" Liv asked and got right to the point. Amanda gave a cryptic response with her head that Liv had a heart time reading. Amanda started fidgeting inside her sleeves almost immediately.

"You think you could do it?" Liv asked.  
>"I'd call and… tell him I want to do the i-interview?" she asked.<br>"Sounds like a plan," Liv said.  
>"And that I'll meet him somewhere?"<br>"Sure, you don't have to do it though, we could place someone posing as you," Liv suggested.  
>"That might scare him off though, probably better if I do it," Amanda said, mumbling slightly.<br>"Only if you feel up to it," Liv said, "How about the coffee stand at the corner of Freemont park? It's public but not too public, we could have eyes on you, catch him the second he approaches you."

Liv also thought about that park having lots of trees and it would make them not have to worry about any sniper shot from above, she chose to keep that concern hidden from Amanda though.

"Okay, you want me to call him now?"  
>"No time like the present," Liv said.<br>"Okay?" Liv asked when Amanda sat up a little and looked as though she was up for it. Amanda nodded and Liv gave her a paper and pointed to where the number was scribbled down.

"I'll probably have to leave a message right?" Amanda asked looking a little nervous as she unlocked her phone.  
>"Probably yes. I've tried twice and it has gotten straight to voicemail both times."<p>

Amanda nodded, her eyes glued on her phone and Liv watched her swallow hard a few times.

"Just take your time," Liv said as she could tell Amanda's hands were unsteady. Liv spotted Winters coming in but held up her hand to keep him outside the door when it looked as though he was about to enter. He gave her a nod and retracted to his desk.

"So I'll act like I want to do the interview? Suggest to meet him in Freemont park?" Amanda's eyes darted up and down from the phone to Liv and then back again.  
>"Perhaps just tell him to call you back? That you want to do the interview and ask him to call you back for a time and place," Liv suggested.<br>"Okay," Amanda breathed. She'd punched in the numbers and her finger hovered over the green phone.  
>"I'll be right here," Liv said and caught her blues right before she pushed the button and put the phone to her ear. Amanda took a deep breath as she listen to the digital voice telling her to leave a message.<p>

"Hi, my name is Amanda Rollins," she said and felt a little calmer once she realized her voice sounded steady, "I was calling for Gabriel. I believe you were in contact with my mother Emily about a story you're writing covering the Mayhem killings. There was some money involved and, well, they could come in handy right now so why don't you call me back? Okay, bye."

Amanda took a deep breath the moment she was sure the phone was off.

"That was great Amanda," Liv commended her.  
>"A-and if he calls back?" Amanda asked sounding nervous.<br>"You just set up a date in the park, make sure to give us some time to set things up though. Under no circumstances you agree to meet him on his terms, just blame work or the oath if you run in to some trouble. Make it sound like you're maybe not allowed to talk about the case."

"But won't he see through this? I mean if it's the same guy… he attacked my home last night and today I call him up? That's not suspicious?" Amanda questioned.  
>"His desire to have a one-on-one with you might overshadow or prevail any risk assessment. He might not be able to contain himself."<p>

Amanda nodded as her eyes drifted off somewhere in space before she managed to tear her eyes back down to her lap.

"You okay to work?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded again but without looking up at her.  
>"I'd like you to take a closer look at these people," Liv said and handed her a manila file. It held everything they'd been able to dug out on the four suspicious workers from Broadmare and Liv asked her to take a closer look at them and see if she recognized anyone of them from somewhere.<p>

Nick and Fin got delayed with the bar hopping rapist Cooper as he shut down after a while and asked for a lawyer. Both of them were eager to work Amanda's case but Liv told them they had to close this case first. They had enough open cases right now so just closing one would feel a whole lot better.

And if that wasn't enough Liv would have to sit down with two distraught parents of a missing 16 year old Oklahoma girl later today. She wasn't really sure why it had been assigned to Manhattan SVU and usually she would've been read up on the case by now but other things just kept demanding her attention as well as Liv prioritizing the safety of one of her own detectives.

She headed out with Keith to catch the rest of the Broadmare's staff and she gave Amanda firm instructions to stay inside the station and call her immediately if Gabriel called back. While Liv was out she got information that a package had arrived from Broadmare and she got in contact with Nick to have him sign for it and then let him know he could check it out if he had time before Cooper's lawyer showed up.

The package contained notes and the tape from the mental health advocate that spoke to Simon in May earlier that year. It also contained three taped sessions between Simon and Tennant. Nick was eager to watch the tapes but of course Cooper's lawyer came in right then and Nick had to prioritize that as Liv had given strict orders before she left.

The day pulled at everyone but Amanda who was stuck at her desk. No one was free at lunch and since she'd been told to stay inside she ended up eating nothing but a stale donut for lunch that she found in the break room. Any other time she might've defied orders and gone outside anyway but right now she frankly felt afraid to do so. She wasn't completely useless though since she actually got time to run searches on three open cases. She found a few leads in two of the cases and she already felt good about being able to present them to Liv later on.

Her phone rang twice, each time she froze and had to build up courage to answer, but both times it ended up being work related. It took her a few minutes once she was able to hang up to collect herself. She felt really silly for working herself up so much for nothing.

Nick and Fin finally rounded up the interrogation with Cooper and Fin came out grunting that he was hungry as hell. They were going to head out for a quick bite and Fin asked her if she wanted to come along. She lied and said someone had bought her lunch earlier and that she would just hung out at her desk until Sergeant came back. Fin was too hungry to stick around and coax her to at least keep them company.

Liv was still not back when the parents of the missing girl walked in. Amanda got them situated in the interview room next to Liv's office and brought them some coffee while they waited. Amanda sent Liv a text letting her know the parents had arrived and to just let them know if anyone else should take the interview. Liv texted right back that she was just a couple of minutes away and would handle it herself.

As Liv came rushing in, taking off her jacket in the process, she still had time to give out a few orders. She told Keith to brief the rest on what their excursion had brought and told Fin she needed him to head over to the courthouse with a few files for DA Barba. Fin grunted but Liv chose to ignore that and just kept walking in to her office where she hung her jacket. She managed to tell Nick to look at the Broadmare package if he had the time before she headed in to the interview room.

The four detectives were left just staring after her back for a few moments but then Keith took the opportunity to be in the center for a while. They'd talked to everyone that came in contact with Simon on Broadmare and they still _only_ had four suspects. Amanda let the others know she didn't recognize anyone of those four suspects. Fin reluctantly headed over to the courthouse while Keith took Amanda's help to round up the suspects within the force. Nick took the Broadmare package and his laptop to one of the rooms in the back, Liv had made it rather clear she didn't want Amanda to be exposed to any recordings containing Simon and Nick got why.

Meanwhile Liv was talking to mr and mrs Clarkson, Jonas and Pat. Their 16 year old daughter Phoebe had run away with a friend and while the friend came back just a few days later Phoebe was still missing and hadn't picked up her phone for five days now. The Clarksons were distraught. Phoebe had left her home in Oklahoma over a month ago but since she was wise beyond her years, looked it as well judging by a recent photo, and had picked up her phone whenever her parents called they hadn't been as distressed as they were now.

Phoebe wanted to be an actress and she'd been angry at her parents for not letting her go to a summer theater course in NY during the summer. When she'd heard of an audition that fitted her age and ?hår, ögonfärg? she'd hopped a bus with her best friend Tasmin. According to Tasmin Phoebe had been talking to some boy online and they'd stayed at his place once they arrived in the big city. Tasmin and this boy had apparently hit it off which had caused a rift between the close friends and Phoebe had went to stay with another boy that they'd met through boy number one.

From what Tasmin had told the Clarksons Phoebe hadn't even made it in to the audition room as they had thought she looked too old for the part. Phoebe had picked up a few flyers for other parts and theater plays though, this she'd also told her parents when they finally got a hold of her. She wanted to try this acting out for real and she said she'd found someone that would take her in during her stay in NY.

The Clarkson had trust in their daughter and, even though the disapproved of her choice, given her permission to stay put for a while as long as she checked in at least every other day and didn't stay out later than eleven pm. Mrs Clarkson, Pat, had tried to work things out with school, they really felt education was important but their daughter had a strong will. Pat had been the one keeping up contact with their daughter as Jonas had a hard time keeping his cool while talking to their unruly daughter.

The last contact Pat had with Phoebe was Wednesday afternoon. When she hadn't picked up or gotten back in touch by Friday Pat got worried and had started calling around to the names and numbers her daughter had supplied her with. It turned out she wasn't staying with this friend she had named, she had left his place more than two weeks earlier and he didn't know where she stayed at.

On Saturday Pat managed to get a hold of a girl named Jayne that had seen Phoebe earlier that week. According to Jayne Phoebe wasn't really pursuing her dream of becoming an actress any longer but working at a coffee shop during the day and taking dancing jobs at night. When Pat had pressured Jayne she had suggested that 'dancing jobs' probably meant stripping. The Clarkson had immediately contacted the NYPD and since she was last spotted in Manhattan it landed on Liv's squad.

Liv took all the information she needed, all the names and numbers the Clarksons had and then told them to try to relax and that she would get back to them as soon as her squad found anything. She offered the Clarksons a ride to their hotel with a patrol car but Jonas told Liv to put everyone they had on finding his daughter instead.

Liv knew this would have to get priority too and since Gabriel hadn't called back and they were more or less stuck with any other suspects for the harassment against Amanda Liv decided to follow some traces to Phoebe. She told Fin and Keith to go talk to this Janey, try to find out who else Phoebe hang around and most importantly where she was staying. Liv would take Amanda to go see this young man named Angus who was the one Phoebe and Tasmin had first stayed at, and the one that made a rift between the two friends.

Before they headed out Liv wanted to check in with Nick and told Amanda to just hang around for a few. Nick put the video on hold once Liv stepped in.

"How's it going?" Liv asked and stepped around so she could see the screen. She saw a split screen of Simon and who she figured was the advocate. His name was George Wallis. He had no prior charges, they'd found nothing suspicious surrounding him and since he'd been in another state last night he was probably not the culprit but they still had to make sure nothing fishy had gone down during the interview.

"Simon's…" Nick took a deep breath shaking his head, "…just being an ass. He's trying to...astound Wallis but he seems rather sharp I have to say."  
>"No non-verbal communication?" Liv asked and Nick shook his head.<br>"Nothing being exchanged?" Liv asked.  
>"Wallis handed him a pamphlet but nothing else than that so far. I have about…" Nick took a look at the screen, "twenty minutes left of the tape."<br>"Okay," Liv said nodding, "we're heading out to try and find leads to this missing Oklahoma girl, you okay to stay put? Look at the other tapes?"  
>"Yeah I rather work this if it's okay with you?" Nick said.<br>"It's more than okay," Liv said, "Give me a call if you find anything."  
>"I will. Good luck finding the girl," Nick said as she headed back out the door.<p>

**Amanda had been quiet** since they left the station. Liv was driving, trying to focus on the traffic but her eyes glanced over Amanda's way ever so often. The blonde was looking out the window. Liv could only see one of her hands and Liv noticed how she was scratching her leg a little repetitious.

"Did you have lunch?" Liv asked mostly to just say something but she was also curious how Amanda had solved that since she'd heard Fin and Nick had worked through lunch. Amanda nodded. She'd stopped her repetitive motion and instead stroke her palm against her leg like she wiped if from sweat.

"What did you have?" Liv quizzed to try and get her talking. They'd stopped at a red light and Liv caught Amanda giving her a look with slightly raised eyebrows.  
>"I <em>had<em> lunch sergeant," Amanda said with a faint smile across her face.

"Okay, I was just making small talk," Liv tried to excuse herself, smiling as well. The traffic started rolling and Liv averted her eyes forward again.  
>"You can call me Liv you know," Liv tried, "or Olivia, whatever suits you. Even Benson works but Sergeant just seems so formal."<p>

Liv noticed her watching her again and shot her a smile. Amanda didn't say anything and turned back facing the other way.

**Liv and Amanda learnt** from Angus that he'd chatted with Phoebe for a couple of weeks and he'd offered to let her and a friend stay at his place if they decided to come to New York. There had been some kind of attraction between Angus and Phoebe but when they actually met in person Angus felt more drawn to Phoebe's friend which hadn't sat well with the girl.

At a party she'd met one of his friends, Max, and she'd moved in with him and his roommates. From what Angus knew there hadn't been a hook-up though, just a case of Phoebe needing a place to stay. Jayne, who Fin and Keith were talking to, was a former girlfriend of this Max and she'd met Phoebe at Max's. From Jayne they learnt Phoebe had moved in with another friend of the bunch as Max just couldn't house her any longer.

So Phoebe went to stay with these people called Moritz, Guillermo and Analeigh. While Fin and Keith questioned Moritz and Guillermo at the apartment, Liv and Amanda caught Analeigh at her work which just happened to be the coffee shop Phoebe had been working before she got another 'gig'. From Analeigh they learnt Phoebe had told everyone she was 18 and no one had really questioned it. She knew of Phoebe's ambition to be an actress but Analeigh said sarcastically that it had been the case with like 90 percent of her friends but they were all now working crummy jobs just to make ends meet.

As far as Analeigh knew though Phoebe had kept trying to make it but she wasn't really sure what auditions she'd been to lately. A week or so ago Phoebe had started mentioning these people called Jason and Marion, Moritz and Guillermo mentioned them too, but no one had ever met them and didn't know their last names. But Marion had told Phoebe she had potential and would try and hook her up with a theater company she knew. It was all Phoebe had talked about lately. But none of her roommates could recall the name of this theater company or if Phoebe had ever mentioned them or actually meeting them. Phoebe had slept at the apartment Tuesday night, Analeigh had shared a cup of coffee with her the morning after but after that no one had seen her.

Fin and Keith had a look at her things. She slept on a mattress in the living room and her corner consisted mostly of clothes stacked in small piles along the wall. They did find her phone there and collected it as evidence. Both Moritz and Guillermo made it clear that they never hooked up with Phoebe, that they were strictly friends and as far as the roommates knew she hadn't really been intimate with anyone special. She'd kissed a bloke or two during a few of the parties they held in the apartment but they'd never really seen her hook-up with anyone. She gave the impression of being a bit shy around boys in that way.

The four detectives drove back to the station with Phoebe's phone and the names Jason and Marion which didn't give them much leads to the girl's whereabouts.

**Meanwhile Nick had** finished with the tape of Simon with the advocate and come to the conclusion the advocate was probably not their guy. Nick went on to look at the tapes of Tennant and Simon. Again Nick cringed just hearing Simon's voice and it got even creepier when he talked about Amanda. Or Shay, the doctor hadn't been wrong about Simon mostly calling her Shay.

He was rather focused on Simon, he had this creepy way of gaining your attention, but then Nick noticed that Tennant had put his phone down on the table at the beginning of the session and reached out to fetch it once the hour long session was over with. Nick rewind and found that Tennant had put it down at the very beginning of the session.

It was something about the way he placed the phone, it felt familiar to Nick as he at times put a recorder down between him and a suspect or witness. He looked at the second tape and found Tennant putting his phone down on the table between them again. The tape was rather grainy and Nick didn't think TARU could get a clear image of the phone but he kept watching the phone and just had a gut feeling something was fishy here.

He looked through all three taped sessions, listened to every creepy thing Simon said and he registered the phone on the table every single session. It was definitely something he wanted to ask Tennant about.

**Liv called Phoebe's parents** when they got back to the station and gave them what little they had. She had Fin, Amanda and Keith look up the few names and places they had to try and find a connection. Nick had finished his task while they were out and Liv asked him in to her office to get a briefing. Nick mentioned the phone on the table and they decided to pay Tennant a visit tomorrow. But for now Liv wanted everyone to head home and get a decent night's sleep.

She checked in with Amanda and Fin if they still felt comfortable sleeping at their place and once Amanda had assured her twice she wanted to go back to Fin's Liv finally let them head home. She told them to call if Gabriel made contact. They had a car following them as they rode home. Both Amanda and Fin spotted them, it wasn't hard to spot a patrol car, but Amanda seemed to be the one most bugged about having a tail. She kept frowning as her eyes went from mirror to mirror.

Fin didn't ask about it but then insisted she came with him as they picked up Thai food at their local restaurant. Fin hollered at the patrol car, asked them if they wanted something. The uniform closest to them shook his head though after he'd checked with his partner.

"Like fucking babysitters," Amanda mumbled as they went inside.  
>"Them or us?" Fin tried to joke but shut it as he could tell she wasn't amused. She had a hard time choosing what she was in the mood for but finally settled on one of the chicken courses. He let her pay for it all since she wasn't in the best mood and him playing courteous probably wouldn't sit well right now.<p>

As they drove by their building he was relieved to see that they'd been there during the day and fixed the door. They'd also made an attempt to get the spray off but you could still see the faint letters and if you already knew what it read you couldn't miss it. The patrol car signaled with the lights that they were parking outside and Fin signaled back as he took a right turn down in to the garage.

He parked in his designated slot and Amanda got out carrying the bag with their food. She had a few steps on him but didn't want to stray too far ahead because of obvious reasons but it also pissed her off since she really felt like some privacy right now.

"Hold on," Fin suddenly said as Amanda was contemplating how miserable life was.  
>"What?" Amanda asked as she looked back at him and caught him looking around with that crease between his eyes that he always got when he was trying to think really hard.<p>

"It's really dark over there," he said and gestured towards the elevator while his head was turned the other way, eyes wandering over the rows of cars. Amanda shot a look further up ahead, it really was dark. It looked as though not only one but several light bulbs were out.

"C'mon," he said and grabbed for her arm. She didn't care that he dragged her with him a bit and then, as his hand went further down her arm, she willingly gave up her free hand and clutched his as they made their way back towards the garage entrance. They heard a sound behind them, just a faint one that sounded like gravel against a surface but it was enough to get both turning their eyes backwards a little nervously.

"Let's go," Fin whispered even though they were already going. He hit his car key and then waited impatiently for the garage door to open back up. He pulled her with a firm grip as he bent down to get out faster and she was right behind him. It was something relieving about getting out on the curb and out from that garage that tonight felt very dark and eerie. As soon as they were on the curb she pulled her hand out of his grip and he didn't fight her for it but just made sure she was by his side as they made their way back around the building.

The officers spotted them coming and jumped out to see what was up. Fin told them about the dark elevator and asked them to check it out. He gave them the garage opener and told them to bring it upstairs once they were done. He told them to watch their backs before he took Amanda inside. They were both a bit tense and he could tell she got a little apprehensive as they got up on the right floor and closing in on the door. Nothing was disturbed though, nothing looked out of order and he managed to open the door without trouble.

He suggested they just went ahead and ate but it got quite obvious Amanda was too tense to do much of anything. It looked as though she caught sounds that weren't real and she jumped once when he touched her arm gently. He still tried to go on with the dinner plans but as he dug in she mostly shuffled her food around. Then she managed to drop her fork and got sweet and sour sauce splattered over her top. Fin told her to not worry about it but she said she wanted to change and walked down to her room.

It took forever and just as he was about to go look for her there was a firm knock on the door. He caught her peeking out of her room as he went towards the door. He gestured for her to just stay back as he continued towards the door.

"Yeah?" he asked loudly through the door.  
>"It's officer Owen and Hader," came from outside the door.<p>

Fin still checked the peephole before he unlocked the door. Owen handed him the garage opener and let him know it looked as someone may have tampered with the lamps by the elevator but they'd searched the garage as best they could and found nothing. He also said they'd taken the staircase up just to make sure no one was hiding out. Fin thanked them gratefully and asked if he could get them anything before they headed downstairs. Owen told him they were only on for another hour and then they would get relieved by another unit. Fin thanked them again and sent them off with a good night.

"Nothing?" Amanda's weak voice startled him a little but he found himself quickly and shook his head towards her.  
>"Lights out but that's happened before," Fin said and tried to downplay it but the fact was he was worried this creep was closing in on her.<p>

"C'mon let's take our plates to the TV and make a second attempt at it," Fin said and brought her with him to the kitchen. He helped her carry her drink and then they paddled over to the couch with everything. They sat down just in time for a new episode of Live free or die and Fin managed to get her in a better mood by putting her mind the lovely goofballs the show featured. Fin laughed out loud as Amanda close to choked on a piece of chicken as their favorite character Colbert blurted out another one of his lessons learned after living in and off the nature for many years. The fact he was filtering tiny fish fries through his teeth with his fur hat slightly off center while doing this made it all so much more hilarious.

Her phone had been quiet all night long but after dinner, as they were just lounging on the couch close to each other her phone buzzed on the table. She jumped at first before she realized it was a text and not a phone call but then even the text made her nervous and she reluctantly reached for her phone. She took a deep breath as she opened up the text and then read it quietly.

She handed the phone over to him with a face that didn't tell him much.

"What?" Fin asked but she just scooted back towards one of the corners of the couch, which meant away from him, as she kept her eyes on the television screen. Fin tore his concerned eyes off her and looked at the text.

"_For He had commanded the unclean spirit to come out of the man. For it had seized him many times; and he was bound with chains and shackles and kept under guard, and yet he would break his bonds and be driven by the demon into the desert_._" (__**Luke 8:29**__)_

"What the hell does that mean?" Fin groaned once he'd read the text. He looked to Amanda but she kept staring at the TV. Fin looked at the phone again.  
>"I think it means he knows police are sitting on me," Amanda suddenly spoke, her eyes still on the TV. Fin looked up at her but she denied him a good look of her eyes. Suddenly though she got up out of the couch and quickly made her way out of there. He wanted to call her back but stopped himself, he knew it wouldn't accomplish anything. He sighed loudly, turned his eyes towards the TV but he'd lost all interest of whatever they'd been watching before the stupid text.<p>

The phone still in his hand buzzed again and he angrily unlocked it.

"_No man can protect you Amanda. Only God can keep you safe. Oblige him and you might be spared."  
><em>"Fucking asshole," Fin mumbled after he'd read the second text.

He fought an urge to answer the texts, they came from an actual number and he could only hope it got traced somehow. He turned his head and looked towards where he'd last seen her. _Fucking nightmare_. He left the phone on the table, if this Gabriel called back he would just have to leave a message, and got up to go check on her.

He didn't see her on her bed and moved further down the hall. He found her on his bed, back towards the door. He touched the door, pushed at it a little hoping she would know he was coming so he wouldn't startle her. He got his knee up on the bed, very non-limber got further up and laid down parallel with her, giving her some space.

"I know it's asking much," he said after a while, "but you can't let him get to you."  
>"Who?" she asked without moving.<br>"What's that?" he asked.

She stirred a little and then rolled over to face him but keeping her distance to him. Her eyes looked a little glossy but the rest of her face looked remarkably collected. He watched her stroke back her own hair and move a little on the pillow next to him to find a comfortable spot.

"Whom shouldn't I let get to me? We don't even know who he is?" she finally asked. She sounded detached to him, he'd learnt to dislike that voice of hers. He didn't want her to feel hurt either but the emotionless voice was a bit scary to him. He'd heard it many times as she posed as Shay. He liked some sides of Shay, like how comfortable she was in her own skin, but he'd take Amanda any day of the week over her.

"This creep, you can't let him get to you," Fin said calmly.  
>"He came here. He's real now, how can I not let him get to me?" she asked just as calmly.<br>"By trusting that we'll catch him, and that we can keep you safe until we do."

She observed him thoroughly, like she had to think about if she could trust him or not. Meanwhile he just watched her. He loved how she tucked her hand in underneath her chin whenever they lied like this.

"What about Simon?" she asked after a while. He was surprised she was able to say his name so calmly, she usually avoid it with everything she had and when she was forced to say his name out loud there was usually a tremor on her voice.

"What about him?" he asked, wanting to make him an insignificant figure.  
>"If he's behind this he could keep it up, again and again and…"<br>"No," he said cutting her off, "If he's behind this he'll never get a second chance."  
>"You can't promise me that," she whispered.<br>"I can," he said quietly, "He'll never get to you ever again I promise you that."

It looked as though she thought of something and that she was about to say something but she stayed quiet.

"What?" he asked but she just shook her head as much as she could without moving off the pillow.

They just lied there for a while, he kept watching her but her eyes shied away from his every now and then. It wasn't like he was all that good with confrontation and intimacy but with her it felt different, for the first time he felt as though he wanted all of that he'd only heard others talk about. All that had always felt foreign to him, even though he married someone. The closeness and the craving for another human being. And the craving wasn't just physical, he craved her brilliant mind, her dry sense of humor and just the way one look from her could make any cloudy day seem bright.

"You know you can tell me anything," he whispered after they'd lied there for several minutes.

She looked at him with a bit of indecisiveness in her eyes. He nodded slightly to reassure that what he said was the truth.

"Can I?" she still questioned though.  
>"Yes," he said and reached out to cup her cheek.<p>

She didn't shy away from his touch and he felt her lips brush slightly against the edge of his hand as she closed her eyes and leaned up against his hand.

"I'm scared," she whispered right before she opened her eyes again. The look in her eyes resemblanced defeat.  
>"I wish you didn't have to feel that way," he said letting his hand move back over her hair, "that I could make it stop."<br>"Me too," she whispered and tried a smile that quickly vanished though.

He kept his hand on her as they continued their game of him trying to catch a glance of her eyes. _Damn you're beautiful_. He wished there was something he could do to make her feel better, to make her not feel scared. He stroke the side of her face, fondled her ear a little and he saw her close her eyes with a content look over her face. When she opened her eyes again she looked a little calmer and it made him close in on her. He leaned his forehead against hers and drew comfort from having her so close. His hand was at the back of her neck, going up and down from the soft baby hair at her hairline down to right inside her top where her skin was warmer.

"I wanna make you feel good," he whispered as he shifted his head slightly, letting his lips brush up against hers. He caught her blue eyes as he tasted her upper lip. He could tell she was a little timid and he knew he would have to proceed with caution. He worked her lips for a while, let his hand slide down her back.

"You'll feel better," he mumbled as though he tried to convince one or both of them and he increased pressure on her mouth. All he could think of now was how much he wanted her and how good they both had felt coming down of that rush that only orgasms could give you.

"You'll feel better," he repeated barely audible as he was inside her mouth now. His hands was down by her waist and he found a thin line of skin between her pants and her top that he let his fingers go over a few times before he continued down just below the jeans. _God her skin was so soft_. He felt her hand come up on his chest and it made him work her mouth harder. His hand came around her body and he started on her belt. He'd just gotten the buckle opened when he felt her hand put pressure on his chest. She mumbled something against his mouth and withdrew from him. He followed her, not wanting to separate from her and he grabbed a hold of her jeans. It wasn't until she shoved him hard with both hands that he sobered up.

"This is not…" she rambles as she got up off the bed, her hands going up the sides of her distraught face and in to her hair, "…not what I need… t-to feel good."

He wanted to say he was sorry but he couldn't get it out and all he could do was watch her scramble around the bed to get out of there.

"I need you to catch him, _that's_ what I need," he heard as she left the room. He fell back down on the bed, one hand landing flat on his face. _What the hell was he thinking? Of course that wasn't what she needed right now. _

He lied there for a while just feeling awful. Just a few years ago he might've just stayed there, pulled the cover over his head and forgot all about it. But he was different now, _she'd_ made him different and he had to make sure she was okay even though the possibility was she wanted nothing to do with him right now. He literally dragged his sorry ass up out of bed and slowly made his way down the corridor. He found her on her bed, again with her back towards the door. She was curled up and he just watched her for a while leaning against the doorframe.

"Amanda?" he finally said carefully. He could tell she flinched slightly.  
>"I'm fine Fin," she mumbled without turning over, "I just need sleep."<p>

He was quiet for a while.

"I'm sorry Amanda," he said next.  
>"Don't worry about it," she answered sounding sincere, "Sorry I shoved you."<p>

"You were right to," he said.  
>"No… but I'm really tired okay?"<p>

"Okay. We're cool?"  
>"We're cool," she echoed.<p>

He kept watching her. He wanted desperately to make sure she really was okay and that they were cool but something made the distance between them feel immense and he honestly was a little afraid to approach her as he feared rejection again.

"Could you close the door," she suddenly asked.  
>"You sure?" he asked. For two years now that door had never been completely shut.<br>"Yeah, please close it."

"Okay, I'll do that then," he said not feeling like it at all, "Night Manda."  
>"Night Fin," she mumbled as he slowly closed the door just in case she would change her mind.<p>

But she didn't and his palm rested against the closed door for a while. He didn't like that barrier between them. For two years they had barely left each other's sides. At work at times of course when duty called for it and he did go out with his friends from time to time. She had a standing invitation though but sometimes she preferred to stay in and he was able to enjoy some time apart. He'd occasionally hooked up during those nights out without her by his side. He would never hit on anyone when she was around but when she wasn't… he felt bad but he had urges that he just didn't want to push on her. But tonight he felt as he'd done that and that only added to the slight guilt he already felt about hooking up with others. They'd never been exclusive but he could easily picture himself going that distance with her. She was worth it. He just wanted her so much and now this door between them felt like an ominous sign at a time when they surely didn't need any more obstacles.

"I love you Manda," he whispered to the door.

* * *

><p><em>It was once said that love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to.<em> ~ Unknown

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday came and<strong> went too fast. They kept interviewing friends of Phoebe and it looked more and more like Phoebe's attempts to make it in show business made her accept offers that would not take her down that route but a very different and shady business. This Marion person had apparently set her up with some photo jobs that left her shed some clothes and then there was that dancing job that Phoebe had come home crying from but really hadn't want to talk about.

Amanda's phone had been quiet, exempt from any threats so far and she'd been out with Fin almost the entire day talking to Phoebe's friends. Fin thought he could feel a bit of tension between them but the next moment everything felt like usual so he wasn't sure. They met up with Nick and Keith to have lunch and then briefed Liv once they were back in the office.

Nick and Keith went out to interview another pair of friends of Phoebes while Fin and Amanda stayed in to work on some other cases that mostly needed paper work done before upcoming trials. Liv had been stuck in her office most of the day, trying to get in touch with doctor Tennant while taking care of administrative duties but also working a few leads that came out of today's interviews. While taking care of the latter she'd requested some files from Vice and one in particularly had caught her attention.

As their shift was coming to a close Nick and Keith walked back in. Liv spotted Amanda walk away with her cup to the coffee area and she hurried out.

"Can I see you two for a minute," she said quietly and directed it at Nick and Fin. She just didn't have time to be concerned if Keith felt left out or not, she just had to get them to the side before Amanda came back.  
>"What's up?" Fin asked but Liv just gestured them with her down the hallway to one of the interrogation rooms.<br>"Close the door please," Liv asked and Fin gave her a puzzled look as Nick did as she asked.  
>"Liv?" Fin asked when she took a deep breathe instead of talking even after Nick had stepped up next to him.<br>"I've been digging around on those leads we got on Phoebe," Liv said and handed Fin a file that she'd been carrying.

Fin flipped it open and held it so Nick could get a good look on it as well. They saw a document from Vice about a club named Chou-Chou and that Nick remembered one of Phoebe's friends mentioning.

"Why the secrecy?" Fin asked as he couldn't find anything special about the report Vice had drawn up. It was a basic strip club but it had been cleared from any wrongdoings or criminal transgressions.  
>"The owner," Liv said and cocked her head at the file in his hand.<br>"Anton Golov," Nick said out loud, "Why does that name sound familiar?"

Liv looked a little pale now.

"Anton Golov," she said, "son of Grigory Golov also known as…"  
>"Gordon Goodwin," Fin whispered and Nick looked at him as though he couldn't believe him.<p>

"You're kidding me," Nick said. He was the one that gained his speech back first and he took the file from Fin to just get a better look at it or something.  
>"Afraid not," Liv said with her eyes stuck on Fin. She wasn't sure how he would react to this news and she still wasn't sure.<p>

"Fin…" she said to catch his eyes, "You okay?" she asked once she had them.

He nodded but then wiped his face with both hands before he was able to gather himself enough to talk.

"They really aren't kiddin', when shit flies... fucking shitstorm," he mumbled.

"Could he be behind the texts?" Nick asked. Liv shrugged but looked doubtful.  
>"From what I understand… <em>those<em> people never made her for a cop right?" Liv said and looked to Fin. He was not able to answer them.

"She was missing at the same time as it was blasted all over the news that a NYPD detective was kidnapped, someone could've made the connection," Nick said though, "He might have made the connection and blamed her for his father's death."

"But what about the religious aspect?" Liv asked.  
>"Gordon was religious right? I think I read that in Amanda's notes and the back tattoo," Nick made a gesture over his own shoulder, "There's a strong possibility his son is also religious and if he picked up something about the Mayhem choker, I mean that could make him want to punish her in a way she's already been tortured. Gordon was a vicious man. He was in the business and now his son is too. Want to bet he has an evil streak too?"<p>

Liv took a deep breathe.

"Have you checked him out? Priors?" Nick asked.  
>"Just minors, an assault on another man that was tossed out in court, he's been heard in two drug busts but never charged. Vice didn't have much on him but he's surrounding himself with some shady people," Liv informed them.<p>

"Wasn't he in juvie on a rape charge though?" Fin said remembering what he'd read about him two years ago.  
>"We should talk to him," Nick said and continued when Liv looked skeptical, "if Phoebe took a dancing job there… she's underaged Liv, it's a way in."<p>

"Okay you go talk to him but I don't want Amanda finding out," Liv said and caught the look Fin gave her.  
>"If he's not linked to the threats and not to Phoebe disappearing either then it's unnecessary to remind her of Gordon too, isn't it enough with Simon popping back up?" Liv tried to explain her thinking.<p>

"The truth is always best," Fin said though not wanting to hold anything back from Amanda.  
>"Not if withholding that spares her avoidable grief," Liv still reasoned.<p>

Fin was about to say something else when there was a close to frantic knock on the door and all eyes turned to the door as it opened. Amanda stood there, a bewildered look all over her face. Nick hurried to close the file and even put it behind his back.

"What?" she asked with a strained voice as she caught all three's somewhat startled looks. As though she'd caught them doing something they shouldn't be doing.  
>"You tell us?" Liv countered as she was the first one to gather herself. Amanda managed to look both anxious and cheerful as she held up her phone.<br>"He called," she said still a little out of breathe, "Gabriel called. I set up a meeting with him at noon tomorrow. I'm going to meet Gabriel."


End file.
